Spiderman 3 – the dark side of the suit

Peter narrates – 'hey kids! It’s me! Your favourite 35 year old actor who still gets away with playing a 20 year old! I have EVERYTHING, I am so great, so cool, I can spin webs, turn into a CGI blob and date grungy Kirsten Dunst. And I expect everything to stay the same for the remainder of this film'.

Peter attends a god awful play starring Kirsten – Kirsten sings so badly the audience don’t know how to react to it.

Smarmy Harry puts on his scowling face and eyes Peter up from a distance

Peter explains to Harry that he didn’t kill his stupid father but Harry insists he did – cos peter’s such a bad ass.

The aunt makes an appearance reminding the audience she hasn’t died but makes them wish that she had

Pre sandman before he has his sand machine operation slicks onto the screen, baring his lower teeth for all to see. He sneaks into his house with his TERMINALLY ill daughter so we feel sorry for him and can place him under the ‘villain with a heart of gold’ category.

Sandman makes a sandwich and is interrupted by his bitch of a wife. Wife tells him and the audience that he is ‘a 44 year old convicted felon with a tendency to expose his lower teeth yet really has a heart of gold’. Sandman gives some speech about how he loves his daughter and only robs money to give to her. Before his wife has a chance to ask about why he doesn’t just get a job and not bother undergoing the process of turning into sand he vanishes.

Peter meanwhile is still walking around town like he owns it. This is annoying.

MJ is depressed because she isn’t as cool as Spiderman, everyone understandably hates her play and her boyfriend is a quintessential nerd.

CGI Harry attacks CGI Peter. They fight for sometime, though it is incredibly difficult to make out. Harry is knocked unconscious.

Harry awakes, with amnesia! Happy Harry makes an appearance where he is always smiling and acts like Forest Gump. Harry now loves peter and Kirsten and claims he would die for them. The filmmakers take a note of this claim.

Black stuff shoots from space and hitches a ride on peter’s bike. We don’t see it again for another hour.

Sandman is this hour’s baddie – and falls into a big pit of sand. We cut to glamorous Hollywood scientists (old men with glasses, blonde tanned young women) doing a ‘sand experiment’. At night. With no lights. Despite being warned by scientist #2 that the mass index gram gigabyte (generic Hollywood science talk) has changed since sandman fell in – scientist #1 doesn’t even bother checking and assumes it’s a bird and will fly away. Most likely Noah from the notebook did in fact turn into a bird and figured sand suicide was a better option than sticking with his whiny girlfriend. Sandman turns into sandman by use of special effects.

Crazy looking Gwen Stacey appears in a tall building next to a malfunctioning crane. Me thinks she may fall? Me thinks she will be caught by the neighbourhood’s friendly Spiderman?

Gwen surprisingly falls out of the building/waves her arms frantically in front of a green screen. Spiderman catches her. Gwen’s dad and her boyfriend watch in horror or more accurately, in a state of boredom. When Gwen is saved, neither particularly gives a shit.

The editor tries to be funny. He isn’t. The joke has passed.

Stan Lee shoves his face on camera like he does in every single marvel film.

Harry continues acting out in a soap opera plot line.

Sandman flies around a bit in a ball of sand which allows him to rob easily. Spiderman gives sandman some of his new found sass and confidence; sandman has had enough of Peter’s arrogance and punches the shit out of him.

The police make some link with him and Peter to make the story emotional – apparently he killed peter’s uncle. We are then treated to some obvious reshoots of what ‘really’ happened in the first film.

Peter tries to propose to Kirsten. Kirsten, mistakenly thinking that the Spiderman 3 was going to revolve around her, is not happy and won’t even listen to peter. The violinist though plays anyway pretending that she did in fact say yes.

Harry eats candyfloss and paints. Seriously. But then! Willem Defoe reminds everyone why he was hastily killed off in the first film by acting awfully and demands Harry returns to smarmy Harry, because the film isn’t crowded enough with storylines and baddies.

Harry makes Kirsten break up with Peter. She doesn’t need much convincing as Peter is really getting on her nerves. Peter wrinkles up his face to make it look like he is crying.

Harry tells peter that his slice of pie is ‘so good’. Peter disagrees and Harry goes ape shit and the two engage in some dance routine/fight. Harry acts creepy and claims Kirsten’s kiss was like tasting strawberries and how he’s gonna kick peter’s ass – he only reveals them two parts of his ultimate sexual fantasy until peter thinks enough is enough, this film is about PETER and throws a bomb at his face. Harry lives.

MJ being a bit off…finding out about sandman…Harry acting like a freak…peter can’t take it! He puts on black eyeliner and turns his hair cut into a one with a fringe to show he means business!

Peter is then such a badass now because he now dances, wears a suit, eats cookies with milk and breaks Eddie’s camera. Eddie goes ape shit and vows vengeance. He goes hell bent on killing peter – he evens asks God to intervene!

The last straw though is dancing in a jazz bar like a prick. The bouncers have enough and throw him out. Peter, shocked by what he has done – decides enough is enough. He then decides to put his black suit on in order to rip it off in a dramatic fashion, in a church.

Eddie, busy asking God to kill Peter – sees the suit and puts it on and decides to do the job himself. He becomes Venom! And we see him for about 4 minutes altogether.

Venom and sandman team up together, both hell bent on killing Spiderman for no particular reason.

Harry’s butler finally explains to him that Peter didn’t kill his father. Harry doesn’t seem as pissed off about the butler keeping that monumental secret that lasted 2 and a half films as the audience is. ‘HE KNEW??? AND DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING???’

Kirsten is paid back for being such a bitch for the whole movie and is kidnapped. Spiderman leaps and poses in front of the American flag and rescues her. He kills Venom in a ‘mars attacks!’ fashion. Sandman, meanwhile, wusses out and apologises. He is able to live through his daughter…and through sand in peace. He flies away symbolically.

Harry, as he predicted, dies for his friends.

As the film ends, fans feel sad and kinda robbed.

Sex and the city – it broke my HARRRT!

Because I am SO BUSY – I have broken down the main part of SATC in handy bite sized chunks.

Girls *squeal! * When they see SJP walking down the street. Yeah, she’d give me a fright as well

SJP introduces the lesser important females while an EDGY new theme tune is played.

SJP and Big look at bad apartments. Their heads move in a comical fashion in time with the ‘comedic’ score.

Big buys fancy apartment, SJP becomes a freeloader.

SJP hears a haunting tale of how a woman was left on the street because she wasn’t married. SJP decides she must marry in order to ‘carrie’ on being a freeloader until much older Big dies.

Miranda gets upset that slurpy Steve has cheated on her. Steve not so bothered.

Charlotte dances around with her daughter.

Samantha flies in and out of LA and screams every time she sees the girls. EVERY TIME.

Smith has become kind of a dick and Samantha pines of lots of sex. She watches much younger people have sex. She doesn’t have sex though, as she is too old for cinema.

SJP models for every designer in the world, each shot is accompanied by SJP narrating the designer name, retail price and stores that sell it.

To appeal to male audience, the I phone is promoted but is too ‘technical’ and ‘complicated’ for those girls! (How to work the phone is in the name – TOUCH SCREEN BITCH)

As we all saw from the trailer, Big leaves Carrie at the altar.

Even Big thinks that’s a bit out of order and tries to apologise, Carrie doesn’t accept, charlotte screws her face up to show her versatility.

Carrie is attacked by a symbiote and turns into Emo Carrie! She dances to hip hop down the street, orders cookies and demands glasses of milk, wears her dark hair and tries to kill Sandman. She then goes to a jazz bar and dances embarrassingly and is thus thrown out for acting like a dick.

The girls go to Mexico/another film studio.

Charlotte shits herself. This is hilarious.

Miranda is criticised for not waxing ‘down there’. No wonder that Steve cheated on her, he had no choice!

SJP hires sassy Jennifer Hudson to be her P.A. (unpacker of Carries closet)

SJP mopes for some time.

Jennifer Hudson offers her some SASS.

Everyone can’t understand why Miranda is upset that her husband who basically forced her into marriage is upset about Steve cheating on her. Eventually Miranda sees the error of her ways and forgives Steve.

Jennifer Hudson reminds the audience she has sass.

Steve continues to act like a slurpy child.

Charlotte gets pregnant. No one cares.

Samantha throws sushi about and tells smith off.

Samantha returns to New York where everyone screams and they dance around in clothes listen to girly music and have pillow fights in their underwear. Like all women do.

Carrie unlocks the secret of ‘love’ and how love is found in your junk email box.

Big has copied and pasted other love letters. This is mistaken for creativity and sensitivity and not him being a lazy prick.

Carrie forgives Big and doesn’t even ask for an explanation, as the screenwriters didn’t know why. But it did admittedly create dramatic tension (ahem)

The girls are still under the pretence that they are empowered women.

We get the message that being happy with yourself is the most important thing, despite 2 and a half hours of Carrie not being happy because Big left her.

Go feminism!

Jennifer Hudson reminds us she’s still in the movie by hollering out a sassy ballad about love over the credits.

Fans convince themselves that the film was great. Everyone else who was dragged to the film maintain that they were right.

Miss Potter – the tale of Beatrix Potter was the most enchanting/traumatising of all!

Rene is cast as Miss Potter – I think the producers thought ‘hey everyone loves Bridget Jones and Rene was nominated for an Oscar for that, let’s cast her as Bridget Jones but…in the magical Victorian times!’ Rene, please do it, it’s the same part, just screw up your face repeatedly to broadcast notions of upper class sensibility!!’. And thus, René Zellwegararara was hired. And fuck, she really is bad in it. Beatrix is therefore Bridget Jones - single, quirky (far too quirky, but not Juno level quirky admittedly) and got a hint of creativity. Replace everything that is likeable about Bridget, put her in the early 20th century and have her imagining rabbits hopping about the place...who she talks to...and actually considers them to be friends. Her fucking friends. Seriously!
Ewan McGregor dons a twiddling moustache and has apparently graduated from the Hugh Grant School of bumbling acting. That or even Hugh Grant thought he was above this project. Hugh Grant!! The guy who did Two Weeks Notice!
The casting of both of them suggests that the producers were hoping to recreate the chemistry that the two shared in ‘Down with Love’ which captured the hearts of millions. Except, no, it didn’t because Down with Love fucking BOMBED at the box office. Also the two don’t share any chemistry. So, why team them up again? It’s not exactly Kate and Leo. (Speaking of, I cant wait for Revolutionary Road – look it up!)
Ewan is admittedly kind of sweet, however, I have to question that because why the hell is he so enchanted by Miss Potter? One scene she tells of a hilarious anecdote where she was drawing a bucket of swill without realising and he thinks it is the most hilarious thing he has ever heard. Actually, ENCHANTING. These two characters have obviously never even dated or even conversed with members of the opposite sex and are each other’s last resort. Except that Ewan is a bit too keen on his mother and Beatrix is probably off trying to shag a rabbit on those cold lonely nights in Upper Class land. Ewan realises that he can’t marry his mother and therefore pretends that Beatrix’s obviously mental instability and her compassion for drawing swill buckets is simply enchanting and captivating instead of dangerous and disturbed. Beatrix also pretends that Ewan hopefully has a penis somewhere and isn’t actually Norman Bates.

Emily Watson plays Norman’s sassy singleton sister – who raves about the joys of single life, insistently. I don’t think she talks about anything else. Perhaps this means she is secretly enraged no one fancies her and she is trying to justify that fact? Married life is full of the burdens of childbirth and domestic enslavement, whilst single life is about procreation, to which Miss Potter replies ‘Milly! You say OUTRAGEOUS things!’ this OUTRAGEOUS character of Milly though quickly goes back on her word when Beatrix wants to marry Ewan. Milly claims it was all ‘hogwash, what else is a single girl supposed to say?’ Great message for you girls!! You’re only kidding yourself if you don’t want a man!

I particularly enjoyed Ewan’s awkward proposal scene, where Miss Potter interrupts and asks him to sing her a song. Ewan nearly declines, but then remembers he was in Moulin Rouge and now has to sing on request. Thankfully, Rene doesn’t.
As all of this happens within half an hour, the film drags on to include Beatrix’s upper class parents being unhappy with extremely working class Ewan (did I miss something?) and send Beatrix to the Lake district so the filmmakers can get some nice pretty shots of the lakes to put in the trailer to transmit feelings of ENCHANTMENT.
Ewan sees Beatrix off at the station…in the rain…without his jacket. Rain + no jacket in those ‘crazy old English times’ is not good…especially when another character mentions it. Me thinks this might be important.

Beatrix meanwhile skips across the Lake District looking mad as usual and sees a man. Apparently he is meant to be the boy who appeared in a flashback earlier in the film. It’s amazing that they both recognise one another despite twenty years have passed since they have last seen each other and being played by different actors. Good to know that there is a back up romance in case anything goes wrong with Ewan.
When the REVELATION that something is wrong with Ewan happens, the camera is placed rather too dangerously far away from Beatrix and it is all but quiet. Cue Beatrix fainting and looking distressed. It appears that Ewan is so worried about what this awful film will do for his reputation and has killed himself off in the story.

Apart from the tragedy at the end this portrayal of Britain is so spine chilling - was everyone this happy and quaint and twee? it must...must have been written by an American...this representation did never exist!!!!

So yes, from that you may think oh quite sweet romance story, two socially inept people get together but then he dies, she learns to love life and buys a house in the Lake District. However, all of this is littered with ‘Beatrix. Cam’. We see through her eyes and in her eyes her drawings of animals (who are incidentally her ‘friends’) come to life and point, laugh and wiggle their arses. I think the filmmakers nicked that technique from the genuinely touching Finding Neverland, which focused upon J.M. Barrie’s vision of the world. That worked though as it was the moments in his life that inspired him to write Peter Pan. However, in Miss Potter, she has already written these books and characters at the beginning, thus, her visions hint more at schizophrenia or some other mental illness than inspiration. She is also meant to be ‘amazing’ and have wonderful imagination. The only story we hear is ‘The Rabbits Christmas Party’, which essentially boils down to:
Rabbits meet up at Christmas
They throw a ‘jolly party’.
Rabbits eat and drink a lot
Even though, admittedly, this is a corker of a story, Beatrix ‘does not know how the story will end’. How the FUCK is that a story? That’s simply a basic premise for an opening page in a book surely? She can’t even finish it off?? How about, ‘they then went home and hoped that Beatrix would leave rabbits the fuck alone’? The audience don’t think so though and clap and say how marvellous it is. Well I don’t think so!! I was a fan of Beatrix Potter as a child, but now when I hear the words…I think of Rene glaring at me seductively with her index finger to her mouth. Well I point my middle finger in her general direction i.e. the nearest mental health centre.

Highlight: Beatrix telling her coach driver to go faster...faster..(harder?)

Rating: So Bad it's Bad

What one should I do next? (if any?)
L.Brown Fox (do I put it here or will it automatically do it? Ohhh, I don’t know what I’m doing)