Peter attends a god awful play starring Kirsten – Kirsten sings so badly the audience don’t know how to react to it.
Smarmy Harry puts on his scowling face and eyes Peter up from a distance
Peter explains to Harry that he didn’t kill his stupid father but Harry insists he did – cos peter’s such a bad ass.
The aunt makes an appearance reminding the audience she hasn’t died but makes them wish that she had
Pre sandman before he has his sand machine operation slicks onto the screen, baring his lower teeth for all to see. He sneaks into his house with his TERMINALLY ill daughter so we feel sorry for him and can place him under the ‘villain with a heart of gold’ category.
Sandman makes a sandwich and is interrupted by his bitch of a wife. Wife tells him and the audience that he is ‘a 44 year old convicted felon with a tendency to expose his lower teeth yet really has a heart of gold’. Sandman gives some speech about how he loves his daughter and only robs money to give to her. Before his wife has a chance to ask about why he doesn’t just get a job and not bother undergoing the process of turning into sand he vanishes.
Peter meanwhile is still walking around town like he owns it. This is annoying.
MJ is depressed because she isn’t as cool as Spiderman, everyone understandably hates her play and her boyfriend is a quintessential nerd.
CGI Harry attacks CGI Peter. They fight for sometime, though it is incredibly difficult to make out. Harry is knocked unconscious.
Harry awakes, with amnesia! Happy Harry makes an appearance where he is always smiling and acts like Forest Gump. Harry now loves peter and Kirsten and claims he would die for them. The filmmakers take a note of this claim.
Black stuff shoots from space and hitches a ride on peter’s bike. We don’t see it again for another hour.
Sandman is this hour’s baddie – and falls into a big pit of sand. We cut to glamorous Hollywood scientists (old men with glasses, blonde tanned young women) doing a ‘sand experiment’. At night. With no lights. Despite being warned by scientist #2 that the mass index gram gigabyte (generic Hollywood science talk) has changed since sandman fell in – scientist #1 doesn’t even bother checking and assumes it’s a bird and will fly away. Most likely Noah from the notebook did in fact turn into a bird and figured sand suicide was a better option than sticking with his whiny girlfriend. Sandman turns into sandman by use of special effects.
Crazy looking Gwen Stacey appears in a tall building next to a malfunctioning crane. Me thinks she may fall? Me thinks she will be caught by the neighbourhood’s friendly Spiderman?
Gwen surprisingly falls out of the building/waves her arms frantically in front of a green screen. Spiderman catches her. Gwen’s dad and her boyfriend watch in horror or more accurately, in a state of boredom. When Gwen is saved, neither particularly gives a shit.
The editor tries to be funny. He isn’t. The joke has passed.
Stan Lee shoves his face on camera like he does in every single marvel film.
Harry continues acting out in a soap opera plot line.
Sandman flies around a bit in a ball of sand which allows him to rob easily. Spiderman gives sandman some of his new found sass and confidence; sandman has had enough of Peter’s arrogance and punches the shit out of him.
The police make some link with him and Peter to make the story emotional – apparently he killed peter’s uncle. We are then treated to some obvious reshoots of what ‘really’ happened in the first film.
Peter tries to propose to Kirsten. Kirsten, mistakenly thinking that the Spiderman 3 was going to revolve around her, is not happy and won’t even listen to peter. The violinist though plays anyway pretending that she did in fact say yes.
Harry eats candyfloss and paints. Seriously. But then! Willem Defoe reminds everyone why he was hastily killed off in the first film by acting awfully and demands Harry returns to smarmy Harry, because the film isn’t crowded enough with storylines and baddies.
Harry makes Kirsten break up with Peter. She doesn’t need much convincing as Peter is really getting on her nerves. Peter wrinkles up his face to make it look like he is crying.
Harry tells peter that his slice of pie is ‘so good’. Peter disagrees and Harry goes ape shit and the two engage in some dance routine/fight. Harry acts creepy and claims Kirsten’s kiss was like tasting strawberries and how he’s gonna kick peter’s ass – he only reveals them two parts of his ultimate sexual fantasy until peter thinks enough is enough, this film is about PETER and throws a bomb at his face. Harry lives.
MJ being a bit off…finding out about sandman…Harry acting like a freak…peter can’t take it! He puts on black eyeliner and turns his hair cut into a one with a fringe to show he means business!
Peter is then such a badass now because he now dances, wears a suit, eats cookies with milk and breaks Eddie’s camera. Eddie goes ape shit and vows vengeance. He goes hell bent on killing peter – he evens asks God to intervene!
The last straw though is dancing in a jazz bar like a prick. The bouncers have enough and throw him out. Peter, shocked by what he has done – decides enough is enough. He then decides to put his black suit on in order to rip it off in a dramatic fashion, in a church.
Eddie, busy asking God to kill Peter – sees the suit and puts it on and decides to do the job himself. He becomes Venom! And we see him for about 4 minutes altogether.
Venom and sandman team up together, both hell bent on killing Spiderman for no particular reason.
Harry’s butler finally explains to him that Peter didn’t kill his father. Harry doesn’t seem as pissed off about the butler keeping that monumental secret that lasted 2 and a half films as the audience is. ‘HE KNEW??? AND DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING???’
Kirsten is paid back for being such a bitch for the whole movie and is kidnapped. Spiderman leaps and poses in front of the American flag and rescues her. He kills Venom in a ‘mars attacks!’ fashion. Sandman, meanwhile, wusses out and apologises. He is able to live through his daughter…and through sand in peace. He flies away symbolically.
Harry, as he predicted, dies for his friends.
As the film ends, fans feel sad and kinda robbed.
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1 comment:
I live through my daughter now...and through sand. MY quote now, mwahahaha
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