Sex and the city – it broke my HARRRT!

Because I am SO BUSY – I have broken down the main part of SATC in handy bite sized chunks.

Girls *squeal! * When they see SJP walking down the street. Yeah, she’d give me a fright as well

SJP introduces the lesser important females while an EDGY new theme tune is played.

SJP and Big look at bad apartments. Their heads move in a comical fashion in time with the ‘comedic’ score.

Big buys fancy apartment, SJP becomes a freeloader.

SJP hears a haunting tale of how a woman was left on the street because she wasn’t married. SJP decides she must marry in order to ‘carrie’ on being a freeloader until much older Big dies.

Miranda gets upset that slurpy Steve has cheated on her. Steve not so bothered.

Charlotte dances around with her daughter.

Samantha flies in and out of LA and screams every time she sees the girls. EVERY TIME.

Smith has become kind of a dick and Samantha pines of lots of sex. She watches much younger people have sex. She doesn’t have sex though, as she is too old for cinema.

SJP models for every designer in the world, each shot is accompanied by SJP narrating the designer name, retail price and stores that sell it.

To appeal to male audience, the I phone is promoted but is too ‘technical’ and ‘complicated’ for those girls! (How to work the phone is in the name – TOUCH SCREEN BITCH)

As we all saw from the trailer, Big leaves Carrie at the altar.

Even Big thinks that’s a bit out of order and tries to apologise, Carrie doesn’t accept, charlotte screws her face up to show her versatility.

Carrie is attacked by a symbiote and turns into Emo Carrie! She dances to hip hop down the street, orders cookies and demands glasses of milk, wears her dark hair and tries to kill Sandman. She then goes to a jazz bar and dances embarrassingly and is thus thrown out for acting like a dick.

The girls go to Mexico/another film studio.

Charlotte shits herself. This is hilarious.

Miranda is criticised for not waxing ‘down there’. No wonder that Steve cheated on her, he had no choice!

SJP hires sassy Jennifer Hudson to be her P.A. (unpacker of Carries closet)

SJP mopes for some time.

Jennifer Hudson offers her some SASS.

Everyone can’t understand why Miranda is upset that her husband who basically forced her into marriage is upset about Steve cheating on her. Eventually Miranda sees the error of her ways and forgives Steve.

Jennifer Hudson reminds the audience she has sass.

Steve continues to act like a slurpy child.

Charlotte gets pregnant. No one cares.

Samantha throws sushi about and tells smith off.

Samantha returns to New York where everyone screams and they dance around in clothes listen to girly music and have pillow fights in their underwear. Like all women do.

Carrie unlocks the secret of ‘love’ and how love is found in your junk email box.

Big has copied and pasted other love letters. This is mistaken for creativity and sensitivity and not him being a lazy prick.

Carrie forgives Big and doesn’t even ask for an explanation, as the screenwriters didn’t know why. But it did admittedly create dramatic tension (ahem)

The girls are still under the pretence that they are empowered women.

We get the message that being happy with yourself is the most important thing, despite 2 and a half hours of Carrie not being happy because Big left her.

Go feminism!

Jennifer Hudson reminds us she’s still in the movie by hollering out a sassy ballad about love over the credits.

Fans convince themselves that the film was great. Everyone else who was dragged to the film maintain that they were right.