Jeepers Creepers – 3/10
Low budget horror film- presented by Francis Ford Coppola. The guy behind the Godfather. The Godfather people! It’s got to be good if Coppola has got his seal of approval. Oh wait, Coppola was also behind Jack. Jack, the one where Robin Williams is a 10 year old boy with a growth defect. Oh well, no one will remember that and hopefully people will not see the ‘presents’ and assume we mean directed. Well it isn’t and you can tell Coppola isn’t behind this mess.
Beautiful Gina Gershon and not so beautiful Justin Long are brother and sister are going on some car journey; however, some faceless creep is chasing them. Trouble is a brewing every time a certain creepy song plays on the stereo (Jeepers Creepers), what is this creep after? Obviously influenced by Spielberg’s Duel, this slow building horror shows great potential. A genuinely affecting opening 30 minutes, littered with boo moments, disturbing imagery and slow burning tension quickly descends into chaos as the story doesn’t know what to do with itself to keep itself inventive and twists are revealed, leaving a tangled web of mess muddled with horror clichés - Old lady with cats. Cops who don’t believe the teens ‘oh let’s take the long way back in the dark and not listen to your warnings’. Female sacrifice. Old local loony who really knows what is going on. You get the idea.
After the thing happens, Jeepers Creepers becomes a laugh riot, the creep that is after the brother and sister is not frightening and borderline ludicrous. Still, kudos for the song choice and a greatly dark and twisted ending, that nearly redeems itself, however, still doesn’t. It is such a shame as the opening is so strong, one expected better.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
REVIEW: Miss Congeniality
Miss Congeniality 4/10
A room full of male police officers and one female officer (Sandra Bullock) all scratch their heads wondering who on earth they can send undercover at a beauty pageant, to pose as a contestant? Who? The woman? No way, she is so unglamorous under all that un-brushed hair, slightly baggy clothing and un-plucked eyebrows. Oh no, no one else is female on staff? She’ll have to do. Oh how convenient, underneath all that hair is actually super hot Sandra Bullock with a size 6 body. Despite stuffing her face with donuts and guzzling beer (off screen), Sandra manages to maintain a trim figure, so she looks completely in place at the pageant.
A plot bringing My Fair Lady/Cinderella to life, grooming a woman to be proper. She only snags the guy as he realises that she is a piece of hot stuff.
This is simply light throwaway fluff, relatively entertaining with a charming Sandra Bullock, just ridiculous and offensive in places.
A room full of male police officers and one female officer (Sandra Bullock) all scratch their heads wondering who on earth they can send undercover at a beauty pageant, to pose as a contestant? Who? The woman? No way, she is so unglamorous under all that un-brushed hair, slightly baggy clothing and un-plucked eyebrows. Oh no, no one else is female on staff? She’ll have to do. Oh how convenient, underneath all that hair is actually super hot Sandra Bullock with a size 6 body. Despite stuffing her face with donuts and guzzling beer (off screen), Sandra manages to maintain a trim figure, so she looks completely in place at the pageant.
A plot bringing My Fair Lady/Cinderella to life, grooming a woman to be proper. She only snags the guy as he realises that she is a piece of hot stuff.
This is simply light throwaway fluff, relatively entertaining with a charming Sandra Bullock, just ridiculous and offensive in places.
REVIEW: Saw
Saw – 5/10
Ah, the film that started the most financially successful horror series of all time. The title refers to the premise revolving around the predicament of hacking off your own foot to save your life. As subsequent films forget this entirely and focus entirely on making the audiences feel sick and putting them through an endurance test of stomach churning vomit inducing scenes of human mutilation and drawn out sequences of torture, the original film is unbelievably tame and completely different to the mess that followed.
Adam and Dr Gordon awaken in a derelict bathroom, chained at the feet. Unaware of who their captor is, they decipher through cryptic clues as to how to escape their terrifying circumstances whilst it becomes apparent that the kidnapper has been behind some of the most baffling and violent murders that the police have had to deal with in the past year.
Saw is simply adequate. It is competently made and relatively tense for a low budget horror film. The performances are poor across the board, with the exception of Michael Emerson (Lost’s villain Ben). The twist is good and unexpected, accompanied by a celebratory victorious score, as if proudly showing off how clever it is. However, this does not override the hammy acting, plot holes and poor effects.
The most famous aspects of Saw are the traps. Here we are introduced to ‘reverse bear trap on the head’, ‘barb wire maze’ and of course, chained at the feet with only a hack saw to accompany one’s escape. Apart from the latter, these traps are all revealed through a series of S7en ripped off flashbacks. The low budget is apparent here as the traps are not overly lingered upon as they are in later films and the torture was not focused upon as a selling point. It is patronising to think that the Saw films have anything else beyond torture and gore, by showing the victims that life is worth living, they should stop wasting life and they have to provide they want to live by sacrificing a part or most of their body which is supposed to be symbolic of the crime. However, I fail to see the symbolic significance of losing your foot when your crime is adultery. Or a reverse bear trap on a heroin addict. That is ultimately my problem, the film pretends to be cleverer than it clearly is and pretends to preach the significance and importance of the violence when it is just an excuse for gore hounds.
The violence of course escalates per film, so if you wish to try them, it is better to start at the beginning to test yourself and your patience. There is more of a plot and more coherence in this film than others. Good news alert, Paranormal Activity beat Saw 6 at the Box Office, perhaps the end is nigh for the franchise? (I’m still guessing no, but one can hope)
Ah, the film that started the most financially successful horror series of all time. The title refers to the premise revolving around the predicament of hacking off your own foot to save your life. As subsequent films forget this entirely and focus entirely on making the audiences feel sick and putting them through an endurance test of stomach churning vomit inducing scenes of human mutilation and drawn out sequences of torture, the original film is unbelievably tame and completely different to the mess that followed.
Adam and Dr Gordon awaken in a derelict bathroom, chained at the feet. Unaware of who their captor is, they decipher through cryptic clues as to how to escape their terrifying circumstances whilst it becomes apparent that the kidnapper has been behind some of the most baffling and violent murders that the police have had to deal with in the past year.
Saw is simply adequate. It is competently made and relatively tense for a low budget horror film. The performances are poor across the board, with the exception of Michael Emerson (Lost’s villain Ben). The twist is good and unexpected, accompanied by a celebratory victorious score, as if proudly showing off how clever it is. However, this does not override the hammy acting, plot holes and poor effects.
The most famous aspects of Saw are the traps. Here we are introduced to ‘reverse bear trap on the head’, ‘barb wire maze’ and of course, chained at the feet with only a hack saw to accompany one’s escape. Apart from the latter, these traps are all revealed through a series of S7en ripped off flashbacks. The low budget is apparent here as the traps are not overly lingered upon as they are in later films and the torture was not focused upon as a selling point. It is patronising to think that the Saw films have anything else beyond torture and gore, by showing the victims that life is worth living, they should stop wasting life and they have to provide they want to live by sacrificing a part or most of their body which is supposed to be symbolic of the crime. However, I fail to see the symbolic significance of losing your foot when your crime is adultery. Or a reverse bear trap on a heroin addict. That is ultimately my problem, the film pretends to be cleverer than it clearly is and pretends to preach the significance and importance of the violence when it is just an excuse for gore hounds.
The violence of course escalates per film, so if you wish to try them, it is better to start at the beginning to test yourself and your patience. There is more of a plot and more coherence in this film than others. Good news alert, Paranormal Activity beat Saw 6 at the Box Office, perhaps the end is nigh for the franchise? (I’m still guessing no, but one can hope)
REVIEW: The Grudge
The Grudge 2/10
‘They say that when someone dies in a powerful rage. A curse is made.’
Not only is the tagline to The Grudge grammatically incorrect, it really is not true. The Ring started the trend of Hollywood remaking genuinely creepy Japanese horror movies to squeeze a few pennies and because they were running out of ideas, this being illustrated by the fact in 2009, having remade all Japanese horror films, they are now ‘reimagining’ every American horror film.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, freshly de-buffyfied, is the blonde damsel in distress. She does a relatively good job at looking scared and making sure her breathing is quite heavy when required to imply tension.
Set in Japan, at the same sets as the original film, with the same director on board – oh, but there’s a famous English speaking woman, therefore, there is a difference!
Future victim walks around the house looking puzzled. After about 10 minutes, either a meowing boy or a groaning woman will pop out and presumably make ghost meat out of them. Repeat until the finale which makes no sense and is slightly ambiguous to imply a sequel! If bill Pullman commits suicide within 2 minutes of the film starting, you know it is going to be bad if Bill opted to off himself before uttering a single line and subjecting himself to this pile of rubbish.
The film boasts it contains ‘strong psychological terror’. Big words. Hmm, I can see how a boy ghost meowing and a woman ghost burping may be psychologically terrifying, but it hardly warrants a warning in an attempt to wheel in an audience. It even has the cheek to rip off The Ring in a ‘video tape sequence with a girl with long hair over face’ Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Ultimately The Grudge is not terrifying enough, if at all. As illustrated, the same scene is repeated and has the same conclusion. I recommend re-watching The Ring , or Buffy. Not this. If it is not good enough for Bill Pullman, it isn’t good enough for me.
‘They say that when someone dies in a powerful rage. A curse is made.’
Not only is the tagline to The Grudge grammatically incorrect, it really is not true. The Ring started the trend of Hollywood remaking genuinely creepy Japanese horror movies to squeeze a few pennies and because they were running out of ideas, this being illustrated by the fact in 2009, having remade all Japanese horror films, they are now ‘reimagining’ every American horror film.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, freshly de-buffyfied, is the blonde damsel in distress. She does a relatively good job at looking scared and making sure her breathing is quite heavy when required to imply tension.
Set in Japan, at the same sets as the original film, with the same director on board – oh, but there’s a famous English speaking woman, therefore, there is a difference!
Future victim walks around the house looking puzzled. After about 10 minutes, either a meowing boy or a groaning woman will pop out and presumably make ghost meat out of them. Repeat until the finale which makes no sense and is slightly ambiguous to imply a sequel! If bill Pullman commits suicide within 2 minutes of the film starting, you know it is going to be bad if Bill opted to off himself before uttering a single line and subjecting himself to this pile of rubbish.
The film boasts it contains ‘strong psychological terror’. Big words. Hmm, I can see how a boy ghost meowing and a woman ghost burping may be psychologically terrifying, but it hardly warrants a warning in an attempt to wheel in an audience. It even has the cheek to rip off The Ring in a ‘video tape sequence with a girl with long hair over face’ Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Ultimately The Grudge is not terrifying enough, if at all. As illustrated, the same scene is repeated and has the same conclusion. I recommend re-watching The Ring , or Buffy. Not this. If it is not good enough for Bill Pullman, it isn’t good enough for me.
Worst of the decade
Captivity - Oh dear, this wins by a mile. Worst experience I have ever had watching a film. Completely disgusting, misogynist, insane and not a teeny bit scary, it is simply an endurance test. Not only the worst of the decade, but worst film I have EVER seen (review to follow)
Hostel Part II - this is like Citizen Kane in comparison to Captivity, but bloody hell, it is TERRIBLE (again review to follow). I particuarly like the scene below, oooh look how poetic and eery this film is. It isn't, it's a steaming pile of self indulgent crap for Eli Roth.
Knowing - see below for full feelings - absolutely atrocious.
Prince Caspian - marginally worse than the dire original; how can a film with less Aslan still manage to be bad?
Narnia - dire dire dire, a real struggle to get through it.
The strangers - arrghhhh, I had high hopes from the eerie trailer, but NOTHING scary happens (review to follow)
Mummy 3 - overlong, boring, tedious cheesy garbage
The Notebook - what can be said that hasnt been? overrated spine chilling 'romance', I actually cannot believe these two became a couple in real life as they share zero chemistry.
A good year - Russell Crowe 'Ohhh I think I'll try comedy, I think I'll be good at that!' agent 'errr, Russelll...' 'SHUT UP, I AM RUSSELL CROWE, PHONE IN HEAD FOR YOU!!'. Agent was right incidently, Russell is not a natural comic (surprisingly)
The black dahlia - ooohh, let's do a film noir and reinvent the tired genre. FAIL. Josh Hartnett has even less charisma than Nic Cage and Hilary Swank is better playing boys instead of femme fatales.
Date Movie - evil, disgusting, laugh free, what is Alison Hannigan doing? I couldnt decide between the following 2 scenes, so just watch. The creators of Norbit must have thought clip 1 was hilarious and decided to make a movie around dancing fat women.
Deception - twist free!
2012 - AWFUL - review to follow
Casanova - What a shame, Heath looks bored, it must have been filmed after Brokeback and he was nackered. Laugh free and the two leads have no chemistry. The director injected magic into a film about Chocolate, it couldnt have been too difficult to make the life of Casanova semi interesting?!
The Happening - ooooh, it is terrible, but there is something enjoyable about it as it is HILARIOUSLY bad.
American Wedding - This was just the Stifler show, Sean William Scott is in every scene, what a shame he isnt funny.
Bewitched - terrible, very difficult to get through.
How the Grinch stole Christmas - painful, shame on you Ron Howard!
Hulk - borrrrrinnnggggg
I'll always know what you did last summer - well it was obviously going to be shit, but such a cop out revelaing the killer is the reanimated corpse of the previous two films!
The Grudge - meoww, burrp, repeat. (Review to follow)
Troy - pouty Brad, weak Orlando, Eric killed too early on, Lack of Sean Bean - EPIC DISASTER
Scary Movie 2 - disgusting, I'm a secret fan of the first film, but this is just awful.
Something's gotta give - oh Nancy Meyers, what is with overbloated, overlong romantic comedies? Why would anyone pick Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves??
Pearl Harbor - It is painful, but HILARIOUS. Ben is ridiculously hammy.
Hostel Part II - this is like Citizen Kane in comparison to Captivity, but bloody hell, it is TERRIBLE (again review to follow). I particuarly like the scene below, oooh look how poetic and eery this film is. It isn't, it's a steaming pile of self indulgent crap for Eli Roth.
Knowing - see below for full feelings - absolutely atrocious.
Prince Caspian - marginally worse than the dire original; how can a film with less Aslan still manage to be bad?
Narnia - dire dire dire, a real struggle to get through it.
The strangers - arrghhhh, I had high hopes from the eerie trailer, but NOTHING scary happens (review to follow)
Mummy 3 - overlong, boring, tedious cheesy garbage
The Notebook - what can be said that hasnt been? overrated spine chilling 'romance', I actually cannot believe these two became a couple in real life as they share zero chemistry.
A good year - Russell Crowe 'Ohhh I think I'll try comedy, I think I'll be good at that!' agent 'errr, Russelll...' 'SHUT UP, I AM RUSSELL CROWE, PHONE IN HEAD FOR YOU!!'. Agent was right incidently, Russell is not a natural comic (surprisingly)
The black dahlia - ooohh, let's do a film noir and reinvent the tired genre. FAIL. Josh Hartnett has even less charisma than Nic Cage and Hilary Swank is better playing boys instead of femme fatales.
Date Movie - evil, disgusting, laugh free, what is Alison Hannigan doing? I couldnt decide between the following 2 scenes, so just watch. The creators of Norbit must have thought clip 1 was hilarious and decided to make a movie around dancing fat women.
Deception - twist free!
2012 - AWFUL - review to follow
Casanova - What a shame, Heath looks bored, it must have been filmed after Brokeback and he was nackered. Laugh free and the two leads have no chemistry. The director injected magic into a film about Chocolate, it couldnt have been too difficult to make the life of Casanova semi interesting?!
The Happening - ooooh, it is terrible, but there is something enjoyable about it as it is HILARIOUSLY bad.
American Wedding - This was just the Stifler show, Sean William Scott is in every scene, what a shame he isnt funny.
Bewitched - terrible, very difficult to get through.
How the Grinch stole Christmas - painful, shame on you Ron Howard!
Hulk - borrrrrinnnggggg
I'll always know what you did last summer - well it was obviously going to be shit, but such a cop out revelaing the killer is the reanimated corpse of the previous two films!
The Grudge - meoww, burrp, repeat. (Review to follow)
Troy - pouty Brad, weak Orlando, Eric killed too early on, Lack of Sean Bean - EPIC DISASTER
Scary Movie 2 - disgusting, I'm a secret fan of the first film, but this is just awful.
Something's gotta give - oh Nancy Meyers, what is with overbloated, overlong romantic comedies? Why would anyone pick Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves??
Pearl Harbor - It is painful, but HILARIOUS. Ben is ridiculously hammy.
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Best of the Decade - Female Performances
Ellen Burstyn - Requiem for a dream - the best performance is again in a Darren Aronofsky film..hmm, he must do something brilliant to his actors.
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel - so tragic, robbed by Jennifer Hudson
Kate Winslet – ESOTSM - delightful, silly hair
Naomi Watts - 21 Grams - better than Charlize Theron in Monster
Holly Hunter - Thirteen
Evan Rachel Wood - Thirteen
Julia Roberts - Erin Brockovich
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain
Kate Winslet - Little Children
Shauna Macdonald - The Descent
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel - so tragic, robbed by Jennifer Hudson
Kate Winslet – ESOTSM - delightful, silly hair
Naomi Watts - 21 Grams - better than Charlize Theron in Monster
Holly Hunter - Thirteen
Evan Rachel Wood - Thirteen
Julia Roberts - Erin Brockovich
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain
Kate Winslet - Little Children
Shauna Macdonald - The Descent
Best Moments of the Decade
The Dark Knight - Joker - He steals every scene he is in, there are so many good moments to choose from that is why I have just put 'Joker', but here is a clip that actually works!
Sunshine - Capa's Jump - Beautiful
Monster's Ball - Surprise exit - SHOCK Don't watch if you plan on seeing the movie
Mystic River - Is my daughter in there? - Amazing acting, powerful scene
Moulin Rouge! - Your Song - Aww, Ewan Singing, need any more explanation?
Moulin Rouge - Roxanne - gripping
POTC -Jack's Entrance - best entrance ever?
Brokeback Mountain - Flashback - I wish I knew how to quit you etc. it has been parodied to death, but the original scene is really gut wrenching.
Shrek 2 - Holding out for a hero - great chase scene that references Blazing Saddles, E.T. and Ghostbusters in about a minute, pretty impressive, Puss in Boots also very amusing
Little Miss Sunshine - not the dance, but when they finally arrive at the pageant! It's another great 'chase' scene with camp Steve Carrell running and the door falling off is the icing on the cake
Sunshine - Capa's Jump - Beautiful
Monster's Ball - Surprise exit - SHOCK Don't watch if you plan on seeing the movie
Mystic River - Is my daughter in there? - Amazing acting, powerful scene
Moulin Rouge! - Your Song - Aww, Ewan Singing, need any more explanation?
Moulin Rouge - Roxanne - gripping
POTC -Jack's Entrance - best entrance ever?
Brokeback Mountain - Flashback - I wish I knew how to quit you etc. it has been parodied to death, but the original scene is really gut wrenching.
Shrek 2 - Holding out for a hero - great chase scene that references Blazing Saddles, E.T. and Ghostbusters in about a minute, pretty impressive, Puss in Boots also very amusing
Little Miss Sunshine - not the dance, but when they finally arrive at the pageant! It's another great 'chase' scene with camp Steve Carrell running and the door falling off is the icing on the cake
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