Typical teens have a party in the boat in the middle of the ocean at night.
Smart teens.
Whoops! They know over a bottle of RED wine in to the water. Oh, I get it, so it looks like blood, very clever scriptwriters. Even though Sharks use their sense of smell not their sight as their sight is pretty SHIT.
The shark however, decides to ignore this part of his biology and goes for the teens. Thomas Jane rescues them all by appearing out of nowhere.
Audience ‘how did..?
NEXT SCENE!
Saffron Burrows arrives in New York and talks Hollywood Science to Samuel L Jackson. The cure of Alzheimer’s was apparently in Shark’s brains all along!
She somehow convinces him to go to the SCIENCE station in the middle of the ocean. Don’t worry, its perfectly safe!
Aquatic station: Halfhearted attempts of character development are made.
This is quickly abandoned and a Shark is brought in for a science test.
They suck a bit of the brain out. Everyone cheers! Everything is going to be OK!
Shark, hearing all the celebrations, decides to ruin it and bites Stellan’s arm off.
Stellan hobbles about with his arm behind his back. He is put in a stretcher and airlifted into a helicopter. Slowly. Just at this moment, the most horrendous storm hits the scene! Damn you nature and your never failing ability to be inconvenient in Hollywood Blockbusters!
Shark leaps up and grabs Stellan and drags him under water. This then drags the helicopter into the station, which marjory EXPLODES EVERYTHING – YEEEAAAHHHH. The scene is essentially bayified.
At this point, the survivors are looking at Saffron for some answers.
Saffron ‘ as a result of the unspecified, undiscussed and unexplained SCIENCE experiment, the sharks got smarter as a side effect!’
To illustrate the point, a shark swims BACKWARDS in front of them all.
Very clever writers. Except of course, sharks do not swim backwards because they are too dumb and it just never occurred to them to swim backwards. Their biology does not ALLOW them too.
To really show what a mean spirited, malicious and clever the shark really is, he throws Stellan’s corpse into the glass – which FLOODS THE ENTIRE VACINITY.
Luckily, three men easily manage to shut and lock the door again the entire ocean flooding in. They are safe. For now!
Obligatory arguing amongst themselves scene takes place, giving the audience a chance to easily work out who will die and in what order. I.e. Wimpish girl, evil girl who love Alzheimer’s and jock cocky guy who panics under a crisis. But not Samuel L Jackson though, just let him get on with his speech about sticking together…Hmm, the speech is going on for a worryingly long time, and he’s stepping near the water, hmm I think something may come along and…oh yeah, there it is, shark leaped out of the water and ate him to get him to shut the fuck up, or you know, throw the audience off!
Wimpish girl dies next. She is pulled under the water.
Well, that’s the end of…
Oh wait, she emerges again sitting in the sharks open mouth (still alive). The shark just sort of parades his conquest in front of the rest of the cast, a bit too smugly. He then goes back into the water. To plot his next devilish plan to hurt their feelings, probably.
Jock wimpish in a crisis guy goes next. He gets bitten in half,. The CGI is so bad that he has two right feet.
Thomas, LL Cool J (Hey, Ice Cube did well out of Anaconda, why cant I?) and Saffron eventually make it to the top.
Thomas ‘ wait, the sharks have planned this, all of this. They know the fences at the very top were made of steel, which is easy to break through, unlike the electrocuted fence at the bottom. They therefore, planned to flood the entire vicinity in order to be free, free in the. …DEEP BLUE SEA!
Saffron ‘ but, how? How did they figure out that the fences are just steel at the top? They’re smarter yes, but they didn’t just develop a knowledge of materials and understand what they can barge through, also, they can't understand English, so they couldn’t have understood any conversations we had about the steel tops. They can’t know by ‘looking’ at the fences either. Also, how the FUCK could anyone have PLANNED all of this.
To shut Saffron up before she ruins the movie, the shark eats her.
Thomas then blows the shark up i.e. the end of Jaws.
LL Cool J raps.
Monday 16 March 2009
The Reaping/P.S. I love you
Hilary ‘ Ahm jusht a gurl from a trailer pahrk who shore had a dream’
Agent ‘Well Hilary, 2 things, you’ve got 2 Oscars now, but both for extremely MASCULINE roles. You played a girl dressing up like a boy and then you really screwed it up by playing a boxer!
Hilary: I got my awardssshh though
Agent: Yes, but you never feature in FHM’s top 100 sexiest women, do you?
Hilary: Ah shuppose naht.
Agent: We need to get you to feminise it up, play girly parts! It’s also obligatory for best actress Oscar winners to destroy their careers after they win. As you’ve won twice, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Hilary: Hey, Ah was in the Black Dahlia playing a darn femme fat –
Agent: Sshh, don’t mention that film, it was AWFUL, I mean, really awful. And you were incredibly unconvincing.
Hilary: Ah shucks, what should we do Shir?
Agent: Try this combination: sugary vomit inducing romantic comedy, I use the term comedy loosely, and a single tough sassy tank top wearing woman in a horror film! I use the term horror loosely.
Hilary: Ah say Ah think it shore sounds a lot more feminine that ahm used to!
Set 1 – The Reaping
Hick 1: Oh no, all of these biblical plagues have spread amongst our small, isolated, simple town! Wait till everyone hears! These are natural phenomenon!
Hick 2: I don’t think we should report any of these mad, amazing insane occurrences, NOONE will be interested. However, I think we should ask feminine, sexy heroine Hilary Swank to help – she’s a character directly lifted from the Dan Brown’s School of writing complex female characters”!
Hilary is sceptical.
SFX explosion convinces her these occurrences are indeed real.
Hilary‘Ah shore think there may be a plague on this town –
Director: CUT!! SEXIER Hilary!! Sexier!
Slow motion Hilary runs about with tank top on, sweat running down her face and she keeps her mouth firmly shut.
Better!
Hick 1: So Hilary, was we right? Should we report the plagues to the news/army/police/government?
Hilary: Chuh, just leave it to the new improved Hilary Swank to sort this mess out!
Using Hilary Swank feminine super powers, she stops the plagues and no one ever mentions them again.
Hilary then runs to her next set:
Set 2 – P.S. I love you
Hilary and Gerard argue. This is meant to be sweet yet is just incredibly awful.
Hilary is in her bra to show how sexy she is.
Gerard does a WTF accent is that to show what a good actor he is.
Gerard does every stereotypical Irish thing ever. This is to show he is IRISH.
Writer: Hey, stereotyping makes writing so much easier! We can get away with it as well, as the incredibly un-stereotypical move of hiring Hilary Swank as a leading FEMALE will distract the audience from our incredibly narrow view of the world!
Writer 2: Whoa, Hilary is in this? You mean Julia/Sandra/Meg and even Kate Bloody Hudson turned this down!! Damn, we’re baaad writers.
Writer: Yeah, even Kate said yes to Bride Wars. We suck.
Gerard dies. However, he leaves incredibly lovely inspiring notes telling Hilary what to do with her life and therefore, disallowing her from moving on and getting over him.
Phoebe off Friends plays Phoebe off Friends – QUIRKY!
Hilary is told to…. Sing at Karaoke! Wow! How exciting! What an incredibly interesting storyline.
Hilary lets loose and SINGS.
Hilary then opens more annoying notes, ‘wash the bath out’ ‘do the shopping – buy more beans’ ‘go for a walk’ and ‘learn an incredibly valuable lesson through these notes about life!’
Hilary visits Ireland, i.e. the Teletubbies set to get CLOSURE – as the damn notes are NOT helping (surprisingly)
We are taught that we can love forever, but we need to get on with our own lives. Did we really need to go through all of those damn notes to get to such an obvious conclusion?
Hilary succeeds in ruining career.
Agent ‘Well Hilary, 2 things, you’ve got 2 Oscars now, but both for extremely MASCULINE roles. You played a girl dressing up like a boy and then you really screwed it up by playing a boxer!
Hilary: I got my awardssshh though
Agent: Yes, but you never feature in FHM’s top 100 sexiest women, do you?
Hilary: Ah shuppose naht.
Agent: We need to get you to feminise it up, play girly parts! It’s also obligatory for best actress Oscar winners to destroy their careers after they win. As you’ve won twice, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Hilary: Hey, Ah was in the Black Dahlia playing a darn femme fat –
Agent: Sshh, don’t mention that film, it was AWFUL, I mean, really awful. And you were incredibly unconvincing.
Hilary: Ah shucks, what should we do Shir?
Agent: Try this combination: sugary vomit inducing romantic comedy, I use the term comedy loosely, and a single tough sassy tank top wearing woman in a horror film! I use the term horror loosely.
Hilary: Ah say Ah think it shore sounds a lot more feminine that ahm used to!
Set 1 – The Reaping
Hick 1: Oh no, all of these biblical plagues have spread amongst our small, isolated, simple town! Wait till everyone hears! These are natural phenomenon!
Hick 2: I don’t think we should report any of these mad, amazing insane occurrences, NOONE will be interested. However, I think we should ask feminine, sexy heroine Hilary Swank to help – she’s a character directly lifted from the Dan Brown’s School of writing complex female characters”!
Hilary is sceptical.
SFX explosion convinces her these occurrences are indeed real.
Hilary‘Ah shore think there may be a plague on this town –
Director: CUT!! SEXIER Hilary!! Sexier!
Slow motion Hilary runs about with tank top on, sweat running down her face and she keeps her mouth firmly shut.
Better!
Hick 1: So Hilary, was we right? Should we report the plagues to the news/army/police/government?
Hilary: Chuh, just leave it to the new improved Hilary Swank to sort this mess out!
Using Hilary Swank feminine super powers, she stops the plagues and no one ever mentions them again.
Hilary then runs to her next set:
Set 2 – P.S. I love you
Hilary and Gerard argue. This is meant to be sweet yet is just incredibly awful.
Hilary is in her bra to show how sexy she is.
Gerard does a WTF accent is that to show what a good actor he is.
Gerard does every stereotypical Irish thing ever. This is to show he is IRISH.
Writer: Hey, stereotyping makes writing so much easier! We can get away with it as well, as the incredibly un-stereotypical move of hiring Hilary Swank as a leading FEMALE will distract the audience from our incredibly narrow view of the world!
Writer 2: Whoa, Hilary is in this? You mean Julia/Sandra/Meg and even Kate Bloody Hudson turned this down!! Damn, we’re baaad writers.
Writer: Yeah, even Kate said yes to Bride Wars. We suck.
Gerard dies. However, he leaves incredibly lovely inspiring notes telling Hilary what to do with her life and therefore, disallowing her from moving on and getting over him.
Phoebe off Friends plays Phoebe off Friends – QUIRKY!
Hilary is told to…. Sing at Karaoke! Wow! How exciting! What an incredibly interesting storyline.
Hilary lets loose and SINGS.
Hilary then opens more annoying notes, ‘wash the bath out’ ‘do the shopping – buy more beans’ ‘go for a walk’ and ‘learn an incredibly valuable lesson through these notes about life!’
Hilary visits Ireland, i.e. the Teletubbies set to get CLOSURE – as the damn notes are NOT helping (surprisingly)
We are taught that we can love forever, but we need to get on with our own lives. Did we really need to go through all of those damn notes to get to such an obvious conclusion?
Hilary succeeds in ruining career.
The Reader - old review - thought I'd post
Michael (David Kross) becomes infatuated and eventually falls in love with the older, mysterious Hannah Schmitz (Kate Winslet) in post-war Germany. After an exciting affair, filled with arguments, sex and a shared fondness of literature, Hannah inexplicitly disappears. Years later, as David enrols in Law school, he meets Hannah again, this time, she is on trial for crimes committed in her secret life as a holocaust prison guard. The events are remembered through Ralph Fienne’s memory as older David.
The Reader has all the ingredients for an Oscar baity movie: holocaust, period, sadness, forbidden love, Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, director Stephen Daldry and a lot of nudity. However, structurally, the film is not five star material, even though all the elements suggest it really could have been. The romance and chemistry between Kross and Winslet is very realistic and their scenes together are the most successful and captivating, especially their hidden weekend away on a biking holiday. Their romance is both sweet and dangerous. However, the romance is extremely rushed and almost forceful. The first sex scene comes out of nowhere and they fall in love very quickly. The performances of both the actors are very strong, however, I was more impressed with Winslet’s subtle performance in Revolutionary road and think the awards should have been focusing on her performance in that rather than The Reader. Kross holds his own and frequently steals the scenes he is in. Fiennes is the weakest out the three, but that is mainly because he is given the least to do, has the least interesting role and is suffering from Tom Hank’s Esq. Distracting haircut.
The first half, despite reservations about the forcefulness of the romance, is generally successful and far superior to the second half, which focuses upon the trail and the sad life Hannah then leads. The trial goes on for too long and the revelation takes too long to get to. A good 20 minutes could have been edited. Rumours of a rushed editing session to get the film released in time for award consideration suggest that they did not have time to create a coherent flowing script or find a satisfying ending. It feels almost unfinished and another month in postproduction would have helped.
The film feels like a big campaign advert for awards season, and shows that the combination of love and war is too Oscar baity for the voters to ignore, and that the quality of the film is ignored over the subject matter. This is even more annoying this year as some fantastic pieces of work such as The Wrestler, The Dark Knight and Wall E were denied a place in the best picture category and many point the finger at The Reader. I, however, point the blame toward the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Other elements such as beautiful and atmospheric cinematography, costume design all feel like the correct time period and work well, however, when this is more impressive than the plot and story, the film is not an overall success.
The Reader has all the ingredients for an Oscar baity movie: holocaust, period, sadness, forbidden love, Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, director Stephen Daldry and a lot of nudity. However, structurally, the film is not five star material, even though all the elements suggest it really could have been. The romance and chemistry between Kross and Winslet is very realistic and their scenes together are the most successful and captivating, especially their hidden weekend away on a biking holiday. Their romance is both sweet and dangerous. However, the romance is extremely rushed and almost forceful. The first sex scene comes out of nowhere and they fall in love very quickly. The performances of both the actors are very strong, however, I was more impressed with Winslet’s subtle performance in Revolutionary road and think the awards should have been focusing on her performance in that rather than The Reader. Kross holds his own and frequently steals the scenes he is in. Fiennes is the weakest out the three, but that is mainly because he is given the least to do, has the least interesting role and is suffering from Tom Hank’s Esq. Distracting haircut.
The first half, despite reservations about the forcefulness of the romance, is generally successful and far superior to the second half, which focuses upon the trail and the sad life Hannah then leads. The trial goes on for too long and the revelation takes too long to get to. A good 20 minutes could have been edited. Rumours of a rushed editing session to get the film released in time for award consideration suggest that they did not have time to create a coherent flowing script or find a satisfying ending. It feels almost unfinished and another month in postproduction would have helped.
The film feels like a big campaign advert for awards season, and shows that the combination of love and war is too Oscar baity for the voters to ignore, and that the quality of the film is ignored over the subject matter. This is even more annoying this year as some fantastic pieces of work such as The Wrestler, The Dark Knight and Wall E were denied a place in the best picture category and many point the finger at The Reader. I, however, point the blame toward the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Other elements such as beautiful and atmospheric cinematography, costume design all feel like the correct time period and work well, however, when this is more impressive than the plot and story, the film is not an overall success.
Sunday 15 March 2009
The Host
An opening lecture, oh I mean scene, shows us how EVIL Americans are and how they are polluting the earth.
An out of focus monster appears and attacks people.
Awkward blend of horror/comedy follows.
This goes on for sometime, until the characters become sick of the monster and decide to kill it.
They eventually do.
Someone falls over in a comedic fashion.
An out of focus monster appears and attacks people.
Awkward blend of horror/comedy follows.
This goes on for sometime, until the characters become sick of the monster and decide to kill it.
They eventually do.
Someone falls over in a comedic fashion.
Lover Actually
Richard Curtis goes through all of his unused sketches and deleted scenes from Notting Hill, Four Weddings and Vicar of Dibley and puts them altogehter in one BIG film that pretends that all of these people and incidents are related.
They aren't.
Everyone acts smugly.
The film pretends to be very romantic, however, ends up being nauseating.
Heathrow airport has a shit security system.
They aren't.
Everyone acts smugly.
The film pretends to be very romantic, however, ends up being nauseating.
Heathrow airport has a shit security system.
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Hello ladies, I am handsome Spanish actor Javier Bardem!
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
There will be Blood
Dig up oil
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
EPIC/DATE/SCARY/DISASTER MOVIE
Look a likes form an orderly queue and are rolled out on screen, say who they are meant to be and are subsequently hit by a passing car/crushed by a spacecraft/covered in shit. They then do a hilarious fart joke.
The films gross over $100 million each.
They keep making these films.
The films gross over $100 million each.
They keep making these films.
Batman Begins – again!
Christian grieves for his parents…his parents…angst angst angst
We are treated to a touching flashback of Christian and his father bonding over a stethoscope.
Christian decides to live in the mountains with boring actor Liam Neeson
Christian decides to become super tough and badass. Therefore, we are subjected to the obligatory training montage – ‘you will train’ quick edited shots of punching, push-ups and sword fighting. ‘You will learn’ – quick edited shots of tai chi, meditating and looking at old manuscripts.
After this, Christian decides that he is more badass than Liam Neeson and burns his entire village down.
Liam: Well, that’s the end of me. I’ll just die off screen nonchalantly. I definitely won’t be back later. (Dies off screen. Probably)
Flashback of bonding over a stethoscope (slightly less effective this time)
Christian decides to become BATMAN. To throw people off the scent that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he acts like a complete DICK to everyone he meets. Christian plays this side more convincingly than BATMAN.
BATMAN: RRRRAAAARRRR –I SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE!
Scarecrow plays with a bag.
Tom Wilkinson speaks with a New York accent so horrendous that he is thrown into Arkum Asylum.
The crew, meanwhile, having spent months of preparation, training and choreography have finally set up the best fight scene ever.
Chris Nolan: Whoa, whoa guys, I don’t actually want to SEE the scene. I want that camera zoomed in 10x to the actor’s torsos and the lights turned off please!
Crew: But then the audience wont be able to see what’s going on!
Nolan: Exactly!
Terrible fight scene – unable to tell what’s going on or who wins. Presumably BATMAN does.
Christian spies Katie Holmes, the new DA.
Christian ‘You! You’re the DA? You’re like 12! Even Kate Hudson is more convincing in a lawyer role.
Gary Oldman’s presence as a GOOD GUY is extremely distracting and makes the audiences continually suspect him as the surprise villain, as Gary is always the villain, always.
Liam Neeson surprisingly returns! He burns Christian’s house down and is extremely un-menacing.
Christian ‘ I don’t kill anyone, but I’m really gonna have to kill you. There’s no WAY you’re coming back in the sequel. We’ve booked the Joker!
Stethoscope flashback. (Completely ineffective).
We are treated to a touching flashback of Christian and his father bonding over a stethoscope.
Christian decides to live in the mountains with boring actor Liam Neeson
Christian decides to become super tough and badass. Therefore, we are subjected to the obligatory training montage – ‘you will train’ quick edited shots of punching, push-ups and sword fighting. ‘You will learn’ – quick edited shots of tai chi, meditating and looking at old manuscripts.
After this, Christian decides that he is more badass than Liam Neeson and burns his entire village down.
Liam: Well, that’s the end of me. I’ll just die off screen nonchalantly. I definitely won’t be back later. (Dies off screen. Probably)
Flashback of bonding over a stethoscope (slightly less effective this time)
Christian decides to become BATMAN. To throw people off the scent that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he acts like a complete DICK to everyone he meets. Christian plays this side more convincingly than BATMAN.
BATMAN: RRRRAAAARRRR –I SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE!
Scarecrow plays with a bag.
Tom Wilkinson speaks with a New York accent so horrendous that he is thrown into Arkum Asylum.
The crew, meanwhile, having spent months of preparation, training and choreography have finally set up the best fight scene ever.
Chris Nolan: Whoa, whoa guys, I don’t actually want to SEE the scene. I want that camera zoomed in 10x to the actor’s torsos and the lights turned off please!
Crew: But then the audience wont be able to see what’s going on!
Nolan: Exactly!
Terrible fight scene – unable to tell what’s going on or who wins. Presumably BATMAN does.
Christian spies Katie Holmes, the new DA.
Christian ‘You! You’re the DA? You’re like 12! Even Kate Hudson is more convincing in a lawyer role.
Gary Oldman’s presence as a GOOD GUY is extremely distracting and makes the audiences continually suspect him as the surprise villain, as Gary is always the villain, always.
Liam Neeson surprisingly returns! He burns Christian’s house down and is extremely un-menacing.
Christian ‘ I don’t kill anyone, but I’m really gonna have to kill you. There’s no WAY you’re coming back in the sequel. We’ve booked the Joker!
Stethoscope flashback. (Completely ineffective).
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