The Reaping/P.S. I love you

Hilary ‘ Ahm jusht a gurl from a trailer pahrk who shore had a dream’

Agent ‘Well Hilary, 2 things, you’ve got 2 Oscars now, but both for extremely MASCULINE roles. You played a girl dressing up like a boy and then you really screwed it up by playing a boxer!

Hilary: I got my awardssshh though

Agent: Yes, but you never feature in FHM’s top 100 sexiest women, do you?

Hilary: Ah shuppose naht.

Agent: We need to get you to feminise it up, play girly parts! It’s also obligatory for best actress Oscar winners to destroy their careers after they win. As you’ve won twice, we’ve got a lot of work to do.

Hilary: Hey, Ah was in the Black Dahlia playing a darn femme fat –

Agent: Sshh, don’t mention that film, it was AWFUL, I mean, really awful. And you were incredibly unconvincing.

Hilary: Ah shucks, what should we do Shir?

Agent: Try this combination: sugary vomit inducing romantic comedy, I use the term comedy loosely, and a single tough sassy tank top wearing woman in a horror film! I use the term horror loosely.

Hilary: Ah say Ah think it shore sounds a lot more feminine that ahm used to!

Set 1 – The Reaping
Hick 1: Oh no, all of these biblical plagues have spread amongst our small, isolated, simple town! Wait till everyone hears! These are natural phenomenon!

Hick 2: I don’t think we should report any of these mad, amazing insane occurrences, NOONE will be interested. However, I think we should ask feminine, sexy heroine Hilary Swank to help – she’s a character directly lifted from the Dan Brown’s School of writing complex female characters”!

Hilary is sceptical.

SFX explosion convinces her these occurrences are indeed real.

Hilary‘Ah shore think there may be a plague on this town –
Director: CUT!! SEXIER Hilary!! Sexier!

Slow motion Hilary runs about with tank top on, sweat running down her face and she keeps her mouth firmly shut.
Better!

Hick 1: So Hilary, was we right? Should we report the plagues to the news/army/police/government?

Hilary: Chuh, just leave it to the new improved Hilary Swank to sort this mess out!

Using Hilary Swank feminine super powers, she stops the plagues and no one ever mentions them again.

Hilary then runs to her next set:

Set 2 – P.S. I love you
Hilary and Gerard argue. This is meant to be sweet yet is just incredibly awful.
Hilary is in her bra to show how sexy she is.
Gerard does a WTF accent is that to show what a good actor he is.

Gerard does every stereotypical Irish thing ever. This is to show he is IRISH.

Writer: Hey, stereotyping makes writing so much easier! We can get away with it as well, as the incredibly un-stereotypical move of hiring Hilary Swank as a leading FEMALE will distract the audience from our incredibly narrow view of the world!

Writer 2: Whoa, Hilary is in this? You mean Julia/Sandra/Meg and even Kate Bloody Hudson turned this down!! Damn, we’re baaad writers.

Writer: Yeah, even Kate said yes to Bride Wars. We suck.

Gerard dies. However, he leaves incredibly lovely inspiring notes telling Hilary what to do with her life and therefore, disallowing her from moving on and getting over him.

Phoebe off Friends plays Phoebe off Friends – QUIRKY!

Hilary is told to…. Sing at Karaoke! Wow! How exciting! What an incredibly interesting storyline.
Hilary lets loose and SINGS.

Hilary then opens more annoying notes, ‘wash the bath out’ ‘do the shopping – buy more beans’ ‘go for a walk’ and ‘learn an incredibly valuable lesson through these notes about life!’

Hilary visits Ireland, i.e. the Teletubbies set to get CLOSURE – as the damn notes are NOT helping (surprisingly)

We are taught that we can love forever, but we need to get on with our own lives. Did we really need to go through all of those damn notes to get to such an obvious conclusion?

Hilary succeeds in ruining career.