Batman Begins – again!

Christian grieves for his parents…his parents…angst angst angst

We are treated to a touching flashback of Christian and his father bonding over a stethoscope.

Christian decides to live in the mountains with boring actor Liam Neeson

Christian decides to become super tough and badass. Therefore, we are subjected to the obligatory training montage – ‘you will train’ quick edited shots of punching, push-ups and sword fighting. ‘You will learn’ – quick edited shots of tai chi, meditating and looking at old manuscripts.

After this, Christian decides that he is more badass than Liam Neeson and burns his entire village down.

Liam: Well, that’s the end of me. I’ll just die off screen nonchalantly. I definitely won’t be back later. (Dies off screen. Probably)

Flashback of bonding over a stethoscope (slightly less effective this time)

Christian decides to become BATMAN. To throw people off the scent that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he acts like a complete DICK to everyone he meets. Christian plays this side more convincingly than BATMAN.
BATMAN: RRRRAAAARRRR –I SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE!

Scarecrow plays with a bag.

Tom Wilkinson speaks with a New York accent so horrendous that he is thrown into Arkum Asylum.

The crew, meanwhile, having spent months of preparation, training and choreography have finally set up the best fight scene ever.
Chris Nolan: Whoa, whoa guys, I don’t actually want to SEE the scene. I want that camera zoomed in 10x to the actor’s torsos and the lights turned off please!
Crew: But then the audience wont be able to see what’s going on!
Nolan: Exactly!

Terrible fight scene – unable to tell what’s going on or who wins. Presumably BATMAN does.

Christian spies Katie Holmes, the new DA.
Christian ‘You! You’re the DA? You’re like 12! Even Kate Hudson is more convincing in a lawyer role.

Gary Oldman’s presence as a GOOD GUY is extremely distracting and makes the audiences continually suspect him as the surprise villain, as Gary is always the villain, always.

Liam Neeson surprisingly returns! He burns Christian’s house down and is extremely un-menacing.

Christian ‘ I don’t kill anyone, but I’m really gonna have to kill you. There’s no WAY you’re coming back in the sequel. We’ve booked the Joker!

Stethoscope flashback. (Completely ineffective).