Saw – the films that too many people saw

Tobin ‘I have cancer me and hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING because of it’ Bell goes ape shit over having a terminal disease and decides the only thing that will make him feel better is devising insane torture devices that sophistically provide a moral lesson to the inflicted and teach them how to live better’ i.e. TORTURE PORN, yay!

Do I dare see Saw 1? – Cary and Adam find themselves in a derelict (my balls!) bathroom with a dead guy in the middle of them and shout corny dialogue at each other for 45 minutes. The obligatory scene of suspecting each other is the killer is present. Cary also talks slowwwlly to show that he is playing an Eeeemeriiccaaan and not the nice English theatre actor he is. What is he doing in this by the way?
BENJAMIN LINUS acts like the killer – even though he obviously isn’t.
To jazz the film up, we see the torture devises through obscure flash backs like in S7en i.e. the budge was too small to show the machines in their glory.
Cary decides enough is enough and has had enough of Adam and his terrible acting. Realising he has made a mistake in making this film, decides to saw his fucking foot off and escape. Cue close up of fake skin like material bleeding as Cary saws the foot off pretty quickly and neatly. Cary then does the worst acting ever committed to celluloid. Think of it as a cross between P-P-p-professor Q-q-quirrel!! and the hand guy off Scary movie 2. There that’s it. He hobbles out with his foot and so totally makes it out.
Adam is now located at the very front of the screen but to the right. Thus having enough room for the twist to happen behind him in the left. 10 seconds later – the twist! The dead guy on the floor was actually the baddie, ‘Alas! It was I!’ as this isn’t interesting enough on its own, we are treated to crazy ass edited flashbacks illustrating how CLEVER the twist is and how exciting this scene is.
The audience leave thinking that the film was OK but the twist was AMAZING.

Do I dare see Saw 2? – Tobin ‘I have the craziest grudge against my cancer’ Bell returns and doesn’t have to act like a dead body for the whole film, however, the result doesn’t look to much different to his performances as a corpse in film 1. He is SO unmenacing omg.
This time the plot revolves around a bunch of teens that have majoraly pissed Bell off. Filmmakers, showing a flash of brilliance, realised that horror movies usually focus upon teenagers. Thus, as Saw is SO original and edgy, they rip off the tried and tested horror movie method!
Bunch of swearing wise ass teens are locked in Bell’s funhouse of terror full of sick twisted machines, I mean, extremely cleverly symbolic attempts at revealing the flaws in their characters.
Donnie ‘hey my brother Mark has done pretty well, why cant I?’ Whalberg is a typical father figure. He loves his son, but cant express his emotions because of that damn masculinity and conflicting schedule so he can’t attend all of little Whalberg’s soccer games/school plays/karate class.
Oh no! The son is kidnapped! I did not see this twist in the tale, me thinks Donnie will have to prove his love to get his son back! Donnie will have to overcome his masculinity and reveal his heart of gold.
Bunch of teens are being recorded in the house. Tobin ‘FUCK YOU CANCER’ Bell is being interviewed by Donnie and generic donut eating cops with the recording in the background. Instead of getting down to business and finding the house and getting the teens out of there, Donnie is predictability seduced in the inevitable endless mind game dialogue scenes as Tobin tries to pretend he’s as clever and Hannibal Lecter. Sigh; get on with it!
Teens decide that the best way forward is of course to fight and swear, split up and pick on the outsider twitchy guy and blame him. Outsider is subsequently punished by being burned alive in a furnace. This is clever because err…once he burned a house down?
Oh, girl from the first film is also there, err this is brought in nonchalantly and not dwelled upon as her presence is unimportant. So, err, next torture scene please!
Shot in face, giant pit of needles, slow poisoning, death mask, crazy ass hand trap thing, which to be fair, she kind of deserved that one.
Even more masculine than Donnie guy of the group goes crazy over getting numbers of the back of people’s necks. He decides the best way of getting these is to KILL THEM ALL instead of asking them to turn around. When he needs his own number, instead of asking someone what it is or I don’t know, finding a fucking mirror, the logical answer is to carve his neck off as the camera stylistically flashes around him, showing the violence in its glory as the cameraman orgasms and the worst excuse for violence in a film ever.
To try and link this to the first film, they find themselves in the set of film 1 and the masculine man is killed by…a saw! The title saw is still relevant and therefore the issues of humanity are still relevant.
Donnie meanwhile FINALLY gets off his lazy ass and sends the cops to the house – but no one is there! But the tape recording clearly shows activity. That’s right, Saw 2’s masterful twist is directly lifted from Speed, even more shockingly, the plan that Keanu Reeves concocts. Dennis Hopper will be furious that he was fooled again.
Donnie finds himself in the bathroom and oh woman from the first film turns out to be working for Tobin ‘ torture machines are good for the cancer riddled soul’ Bell. OMG, did not see happening with the nonchalant passing mention from teen #2 ‘oh yeah, Amanda was in film 1 everybody – next topic please’.
Because the twist was so awesome, flashy cutting montage of flashbacks was not needed.

Do I dare see Saw 3? – Deciding that the popularity of films 1 and 2 were not the well devised plots or developed character but in fact the crazy scenes of torture, the filmmakers decided to completely eliminate the first two and focus entirely on torture machines with a handful of dialogue scenes to string them loosely together and also giving the audience time to wipe up their own vomit after each scene.
Within 16 minutes, we see Donnie ‘I hate my brother Mark’ Whalberg snap his own foot in half while he bitterly thinks about his brother’s recent Oscar nomination and how he is reduced to doing this for money, a guy slowly ripping chains out of his body before his exploded into several pieces and woman’s ribs are ripped out of her body and dangled on a washing line. Scenes that would make Marquis de Sade turn away in disgust. This happened in 16 minutes. 16 minutes (16 minutes oh yeah game on!)
Unfortunately, even though we’d all much prefer to just sit and watch scene after scene of not symbolic at all in fact mindless torture devises blowing off, Hollywood rules do insist at least some attempt of a plot and at least 4 dialogue scenes (Boring, I know) Saw 3 writers give it a good shot though. Tobin ‘thank god I’m nearly dead of my cancer as I’m struggling to think of original trap devises, its getting exhausting’ Bell goes all out and decides to punish a poor couple who have just lost their son and are grieving. HOW DARE THEY? THYE MUST APPRECIATE LIFE!!! WILL HAVE TO PUNISH IN OBSCURE TORTURE DEVICES’
As I have only seen the first 16 minutes I can only assume it all gets worse. One scene has a man and woman in a giant freezer. According to the writers, they were originally going to dress the woman in a t-shirt and pants. This was deemed too sexual and instead of going for jumper and trousers, decided completely naked was fair and not at all sexual. What about the guy? God, keep him clothed! People don’t wanna see that!
Tobin does die. Geoff (who? Who cares?) kills him which then turns into a twist of some sort.

Producers – guys, we really need another Saw next year
Writers: oh shit, we just killed off the killer!
Producers – hmm, just pull a pulp fiction and rip off Quentin. He won’t mind, he loves that type of shit and is ripping off you guys with the hostel movies!

Do I dare see Saw 4? - It begins with Tobin’s autopsy, the most OTT autopsy ever conducted in the history of the universe.
Docter#1 – well Jim, I think it’s a simple throat slash. Case closed
Dcotoer#2 – Hmm, I dunno, I think I better y’know, violently rip open his chest, cover myself in his cold blood and then throw his organs every where whilst laughing and then dry hump his body (ABBE! ABBBEEE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABBE!!!!!)
TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS
Twist = all of this happened at the same time as Saw 3! The autopsy scene was in fact the last scene! Isn’t that clever! Not at all a terrible attempt in including Tobin Bell.
Writers – phew, thank god we got away with that one. Now I’m gonna try and write that holocaust, gay crippled old man piece.

Producers – err guys, Saw 5 is needed.
Writers – but the story! It’s ended!
Producers- you can’t argue with the box office figures fellas. Get your asses writing something so gory that I’ll need an exorcist to cleanse the script.
Writers – sigh, we just got away with the last twist…do you think anyone will notice if we use it again?
Producers – I think you overestimate the intelligence of our target audience. Just use the same twist and change the traps! It’s a sure fire hit!

Do I dare see saw 5? - Traps, blood, I hate cancer, autopsy orgasm number 10, action, lost love, morality lecturing, ice blocks crush face, pull teeth out, dialogue scenes are so boring I’ll just do another trap, electrocute self, twist happens.
Audience – wow shit man! That end was so cool! These movies are so awesome and the violence is like so clever man, it has like, meaning. Those critics don’t understand the kids and what we want.
Rest of the world – I wish these films would stop and go away.
Marketing team – how about we use the misleading tag line ‘you’ll never guess how it ends!’ the twist is, it doesn’t!
Producers – that’s right boys, Saw 6 will be needed. We’ll need that twist again so we can legitimises Tobin ‘I just want to retire now and stop doing this shit ‘Bell’s presence!

Do I dare see Saw 6? - I dare, I just don't want to.