Deception – an erotic straight to video thriller that was accidently released in the cinemas as it stars EWAN MCGREGGOR and HUGH JACKMAN and to a lesser extent, MICHELLE WILLIAMS
Whilst the three leads firmly keep their clothes on, the rest of the unnameable cast take theirs off during various boring sex scenes that are all filmed in the dark so the film can get a 15 rating and therefore get a bigger audience!! (It grossed about 2 dollars)
Eventually, after all the sexual TENSION – the three start DECEPTING one another.
Hugh - I deceive you!
Ewan - Well, I deceive you more!
Michelle - Ahahaha, well I was deceiving both of you all long!
Hugh - Actually, I knew that
Ewan - Ahahaa, I was actually bluffing!
Michelle - Me too!
Hugh - What about me, for I was deceiving all of you right from the beginning!
Ewan - Except me, for I was deceiving you!
Michelle – As was I
Audience - actually, it’s screamingly obvious that Ewan and Michelle would ultimately deceive you Hugh, no matter how many ‘aha!’ scenes have been thrown in
Hugh/Ewan/Michelle – why did we agree to make this?
Agents – aha, we deceived all of you!!!!! OMG MONEYYY $$$$$$$$
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Nights in Rodanthe
Bratty teenage daughter – I hate you Diane Lane! Why won’t you get back together with Dad? Sure, he fucked other women and paid prostitutes and killed that guy that time...but fuck you, you are such a bitch!!!!
Diane – Right, I think I’ll get away from my awful life and run a hotel on the beach
Richard Gere – Hmm, I sure wish I hadn’t accidently kill that woman on my operating table, do I feel bad or what. I think I’ll take my aggression out on my son James Franco
James Franco – Whattt? Don’t use my name in this! I demand to be un-credited!
Richard Gere – this is coming from a guy who was in Spiderman 3?
Unamed son – oh gee dad, why don’t you wallow in your guilt at the hotel on the beach, I think Diane Lane is running this week and judging by her previous films, I’m guessing she’ll be up for it.
Richard Gere – Oh her again, she cheated on me in Unfaithful!
Richard and Diane meet.
Diane – haven’t we...?
Richard and Diane take it slowly at first. When the screenwriters realise they cannot use ‘Diane looked at Richard. Richard looked at Diane, Diane looked away coyly’ for the 60th time, they decide to make them KISS.
They have a 5 minute relationship, old people relationships shouldn’t be dwelt upon (are you listening Something’s gotta give??)
As the film is still only 60 minutes long and there has been no CRYING, a TWIST needs to take place
Richard dies in a mud hut accident!
Diane cries for 10 minutes. She then learns a lesson about life and herself.
She then makes up with her horrible daughter.
Diane – oh great, my prize is you? Why couldn’t they have killed me off instead?
Diane – Right, I think I’ll get away from my awful life and run a hotel on the beach
Richard Gere – Hmm, I sure wish I hadn’t accidently kill that woman on my operating table, do I feel bad or what. I think I’ll take my aggression out on my son James Franco
James Franco – Whattt? Don’t use my name in this! I demand to be un-credited!
Richard Gere – this is coming from a guy who was in Spiderman 3?
Unamed son – oh gee dad, why don’t you wallow in your guilt at the hotel on the beach, I think Diane Lane is running this week and judging by her previous films, I’m guessing she’ll be up for it.
Richard Gere – Oh her again, she cheated on me in Unfaithful!
Richard and Diane meet.
Diane – haven’t we...?
Richard and Diane take it slowly at first. When the screenwriters realise they cannot use ‘Diane looked at Richard. Richard looked at Diane, Diane looked away coyly’ for the 60th time, they decide to make them KISS.
They have a 5 minute relationship, old people relationships shouldn’t be dwelt upon (are you listening Something’s gotta give??)
As the film is still only 60 minutes long and there has been no CRYING, a TWIST needs to take place
Richard dies in a mud hut accident!
Diane cries for 10 minutes. She then learns a lesson about life and herself.
She then makes up with her horrible daughter.
Diane – oh great, my prize is you? Why couldn’t they have killed me off instead?
Armageddon
An asteroid is heading for earth, as this is a MICHAEL BAY film, an action sequence must take place IMMEDIATELY. Cue comedic token black guy screaming ‘shitttt dawwwg’ as asteroids totally fuck up NY City.
Whitehouse – important looking older men in uniforms stand in rooms with big maps and graphs in the background, used to represent SCIENCE.
General 1 – What should we do? The mother ship/asteroid is heading straight for us!
General 2 – Why, we simply hire a bunch of redneck hick drillers and send them into space so they can drill the asteroid into 2, thereby both missing earth entirely – isn’t that brilliant and completely doable?
General 1 – Well, err, as we only have 2 weeks till impact, instead of conducting this completely mental experiment of training uneducated people how to go into space, which usually takes years of training and educating, why don’t we quickly trained our qualified astronauts how to drill a rock?
General 2 – I think going into space is far easier to master than drilling some things. You’re fired!
MICHAEL BAY – BORING, NEXT SCENE!
Bruce Willis – Ah sure love drilling, why that was why I was put on this here earth. Oh hello Liv Tyler, my daughter (who looks NOTHING like me)
Liv Tyler – Hi Harry, I’m angry with you which is why I repeatedly call you HARRY instead of dad. We have grown apart and are very different people. Perhaps by the end of the film we would have learned about each other and I will be able to call you ‘dad’
Bruce – alright, alright, don’t make it TOO obvious now
Liv – ok HARRY
Bruce – anyway, I am also angry that you are dating Ben Affleck.
Liv – err why exactly?
Bruce – SHUT UP BITCH, you can’t ask questions like that, you’re just a woman in a Michael Bay film, just look alluring why don’t you?
Liv – who do you think I am, Megan Fox? Now please excuse me, I’m going to have sex with Ben Affleck, where an Aerosmith song will play in the background. The lead singer of Aerosmith is my dad. This is soo wrong.
MICHAEL BAY- Ohhhhh yeaaaahhh
Billy Bob the president – an asteroid is heading to earth. (MICHAEL BAY quietly orgasms) we will now teach you a lesson about ASTEROIDS
Conveniently, as the hicks are STUPID, NASA can S-p-e-l-l out how asteroids work so the thick audience can understand too!
One hour of hilarious training montages follow as Bruce and other hicks learn to be astronauts. They’re now fully trained!
They go to space and meet a whacky Russian character - errrhhhhh, drink some vodkaaa!
The camera shakily moves a lot around the dark meteor set and we can’t see what is happening for the majority of the time.
Eventually after a lot of drilling shots, Bruce eventually SACRFIICES himself for his daughter – they now decide that they love each other and want to spend time with one another, well a bit fucking late now!
Liv – I love you.....DAD!!!!
AIR GUITARRRR SOLOOOOOO plays as he blows himself up from numerous different angles.
We cut to earth, which shows glorious AMERICANS waving their flags and celebrating, and then to English men sipping cups of tea in their castles and then some other FOREGIN countries where they dance around their mud huts and fire in their rags.
Whitehouse – important looking older men in uniforms stand in rooms with big maps and graphs in the background, used to represent SCIENCE.
General 1 – What should we do? The mother ship/asteroid is heading straight for us!
General 2 – Why, we simply hire a bunch of redneck hick drillers and send them into space so they can drill the asteroid into 2, thereby both missing earth entirely – isn’t that brilliant and completely doable?
General 1 – Well, err, as we only have 2 weeks till impact, instead of conducting this completely mental experiment of training uneducated people how to go into space, which usually takes years of training and educating, why don’t we quickly trained our qualified astronauts how to drill a rock?
General 2 – I think going into space is far easier to master than drilling some things. You’re fired!
MICHAEL BAY – BORING, NEXT SCENE!
Bruce Willis – Ah sure love drilling, why that was why I was put on this here earth. Oh hello Liv Tyler, my daughter (who looks NOTHING like me)
Liv Tyler – Hi Harry, I’m angry with you which is why I repeatedly call you HARRY instead of dad. We have grown apart and are very different people. Perhaps by the end of the film we would have learned about each other and I will be able to call you ‘dad’
Bruce – alright, alright, don’t make it TOO obvious now
Liv – ok HARRY
Bruce – anyway, I am also angry that you are dating Ben Affleck.
Liv – err why exactly?
Bruce – SHUT UP BITCH, you can’t ask questions like that, you’re just a woman in a Michael Bay film, just look alluring why don’t you?
Liv – who do you think I am, Megan Fox? Now please excuse me, I’m going to have sex with Ben Affleck, where an Aerosmith song will play in the background. The lead singer of Aerosmith is my dad. This is soo wrong.
MICHAEL BAY- Ohhhhh yeaaaahhh
Billy Bob the president – an asteroid is heading to earth. (MICHAEL BAY quietly orgasms) we will now teach you a lesson about ASTEROIDS
Conveniently, as the hicks are STUPID, NASA can S-p-e-l-l out how asteroids work so the thick audience can understand too!
One hour of hilarious training montages follow as Bruce and other hicks learn to be astronauts. They’re now fully trained!
They go to space and meet a whacky Russian character - errrhhhhh, drink some vodkaaa!
The camera shakily moves a lot around the dark meteor set and we can’t see what is happening for the majority of the time.
Eventually after a lot of drilling shots, Bruce eventually SACRFIICES himself for his daughter – they now decide that they love each other and want to spend time with one another, well a bit fucking late now!
Liv – I love you.....DAD!!!!
AIR GUITARRRR SOLOOOOOO plays as he blows himself up from numerous different angles.
We cut to earth, which shows glorious AMERICANS waving their flags and celebrating, and then to English men sipping cups of tea in their castles and then some other FOREGIN countries where they dance around their mud huts and fire in their rags.
The Wedding Planner/Hitch
JLO/Will Smith – I love helping others in their love life, there isn’t anything I don’t know about love
Person – Hey JLO/Will Smith, how’s your own personal love life going?
JLO/Will Smith – Sheeet! I forgot about that old thing! I suppose logically, I can use my experience and expertise that people pay me to use in my own life. I’ll be the best person at love!
Twist – They aren’t! They’re clueless about love! Whu-oh – cue funky pop music, preferably something from a JLO/Will Smith album
JLO/Will Smith – Oh shit, I just don’t know what to do with a the member of the opposite sex
Person – Just use your techniques
JLO/Will Smith – Err, I choose to ignore that advise, where is a hilarious romantic comedy in that concept?
Person – where the fuck is the romantic comedy in the scenario that you are proposing?
JLO/Will Smith – does it matter? We’ll still make millions!
They do.
Person – Hey JLO/Will Smith, how’s your own personal love life going?
JLO/Will Smith – Sheeet! I forgot about that old thing! I suppose logically, I can use my experience and expertise that people pay me to use in my own life. I’ll be the best person at love!
Twist – They aren’t! They’re clueless about love! Whu-oh – cue funky pop music, preferably something from a JLO/Will Smith album
JLO/Will Smith – Oh shit, I just don’t know what to do with a the member of the opposite sex
Person – Just use your techniques
JLO/Will Smith – Err, I choose to ignore that advise, where is a hilarious romantic comedy in that concept?
Person – where the fuck is the romantic comedy in the scenario that you are proposing?
JLO/Will Smith – does it matter? We’ll still make millions!
They do.
The Sixth Sense
I see dead people...including you Bruce Willis!
Bruce – OMFG, I’m dead! Oh, actually that kinda makes sense. That’s why not a SINGLE person has spoken to me, acknowledged me or shook my hand for a whole year, including my wife. It all makes SENSE. Hmm, I really should have realised sooner, especially after the whole getting-shot-in-the-chest incident at the beginning of the movie that was quickly brushed over.
M Night Shamalalaal – OMFG, my twist was soooo awesome! It blew everyone the fuck away! This has given me the confidence I needed. I will abuse this confidence and carry on writing just as smart and well written twists in ALL of my future films!
7 years later after ‘The Happening’ is released
M Night Shmalalala’s lawyers with Jedi powers - hmm, M., it really isn’t working out. I think you better go home and rethink your life.
M night: Yes, I better go home and rethink my life.
Bruce – OMFG, I’m dead! Oh, actually that kinda makes sense. That’s why not a SINGLE person has spoken to me, acknowledged me or shook my hand for a whole year, including my wife. It all makes SENSE. Hmm, I really should have realised sooner, especially after the whole getting-shot-in-the-chest incident at the beginning of the movie that was quickly brushed over.
M Night Shamalalaal – OMFG, my twist was soooo awesome! It blew everyone the fuck away! This has given me the confidence I needed. I will abuse this confidence and carry on writing just as smart and well written twists in ALL of my future films!
7 years later after ‘The Happening’ is released
M Night Shmalalala’s lawyers with Jedi powers - hmm, M., it really isn’t working out. I think you better go home and rethink your life.
M night: Yes, I better go home and rethink my life.
Shallow Hal
Jack Black – Bleeurrgghhh! I’m so misogynist, I love to get me some fine ass, I mean, I am so sexy and physically alluring – as should all my sexual partners who I inexplicably pull.
Guru – hmm, I disagree with the image you have of women Jack, I will secretly put a spell on you – you will only see ‘inner beauty’ if women are beautiful on the inside, they will be beautiful on the outside.
Jack sees gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow
Jack: Yeaaaahhh, I’ll get me some!
Little does he know that Gwyneth is actually a 40 stone whale. However, beauty on the insssiiiiide. The film only shows us true appearance in brief half a second flashes. The audience cannot bear to subjected to anymore obese people after all that jack Black’s jiggling-on-the-pull dance.
Isn’t that a nice lesson about beauty? Hmmm, not really. This surely just cements the idea that thin and blonde = beautiful and overweight = UGLY, too ugly in fact to even be shown. However, we are allowed to be shown Jack Black who has been cast as the romantic hero – but the woman has to be shown as the beautiful side. At least Shrek showed the ogres! Both Fiona and Shrek!
Liberating!
As well as being morally questionable, the film has ONE gag –
Jack – Hi generic friend character, meet my GORGEOUS girlfriend
Friend – But...she aint gorgeous! Look at her!
Jack – Huh? *confused look* Anywho, onto the next scene!
Jack - Hey other friend, isn’t she a looker?
Friend 2 – Who, Miss Piggy?
Jack – How odd of you to say that, I will ignore this however and do something whacky, probably something involving a guitar!
Guru – hmm, I disagree with the image you have of women Jack, I will secretly put a spell on you – you will only see ‘inner beauty’ if women are beautiful on the inside, they will be beautiful on the outside.
Jack sees gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow
Jack: Yeaaaahhh, I’ll get me some!
Little does he know that Gwyneth is actually a 40 stone whale. However, beauty on the insssiiiiide. The film only shows us true appearance in brief half a second flashes. The audience cannot bear to subjected to anymore obese people after all that jack Black’s jiggling-on-the-pull dance.
Isn’t that a nice lesson about beauty? Hmmm, not really. This surely just cements the idea that thin and blonde = beautiful and overweight = UGLY, too ugly in fact to even be shown. However, we are allowed to be shown Jack Black who has been cast as the romantic hero – but the woman has to be shown as the beautiful side. At least Shrek showed the ogres! Both Fiona and Shrek!
Liberating!
As well as being morally questionable, the film has ONE gag –
Jack – Hi generic friend character, meet my GORGEOUS girlfriend
Friend – But...she aint gorgeous! Look at her!
Jack – Huh? *confused look* Anywho, onto the next scene!
Jack - Hey other friend, isn’t she a looker?
Friend 2 – Who, Miss Piggy?
Jack – How odd of you to say that, I will ignore this however and do something whacky, probably something involving a guitar!
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Year One - Superbad goes prehistoric?
Laddish comedy -check!
Michael Cera in 'akward comedy mode' - check!
Fat more laddy than Michael Cera sidekick - check!
Gormless staring at audience poster - check!
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