Armageddon

An asteroid is heading for earth, as this is a MICHAEL BAY film, an action sequence must take place IMMEDIATELY. Cue comedic token black guy screaming ‘shitttt dawwwg’ as asteroids totally fuck up NY City.

Whitehouse – important looking older men in uniforms stand in rooms with big maps and graphs in the background, used to represent SCIENCE.

General 1 – What should we do? The mother ship/asteroid is heading straight for us!

General 2 – Why, we simply hire a bunch of redneck hick drillers and send them into space so they can drill the asteroid into 2, thereby both missing earth entirely – isn’t that brilliant and completely doable?

General 1 – Well, err, as we only have 2 weeks till impact, instead of conducting this completely mental experiment of training uneducated people how to go into space, which usually takes years of training and educating, why don’t we quickly trained our qualified astronauts how to drill a rock?

General 2 – I think going into space is far easier to master than drilling some things. You’re fired!

MICHAEL BAY – BORING, NEXT SCENE!

Bruce Willis – Ah sure love drilling, why that was why I was put on this here earth. Oh hello Liv Tyler, my daughter (who looks NOTHING like me)

Liv Tyler – Hi Harry, I’m angry with you which is why I repeatedly call you HARRY instead of dad. We have grown apart and are very different people. Perhaps by the end of the film we would have learned about each other and I will be able to call you ‘dad’

Bruce – alright, alright, don’t make it TOO obvious now

Liv – ok HARRY

Bruce – anyway, I am also angry that you are dating Ben Affleck.

Liv – err why exactly?

Bruce – SHUT UP BITCH, you can’t ask questions like that, you’re just a woman in a Michael Bay film, just look alluring why don’t you?

Liv – who do you think I am, Megan Fox? Now please excuse me, I’m going to have sex with Ben Affleck, where an Aerosmith song will play in the background. The lead singer of Aerosmith is my dad. This is soo wrong.
MICHAEL BAY- Ohhhhh yeaaaahhh

Billy Bob the president – an asteroid is heading to earth. (MICHAEL BAY quietly orgasms) we will now teach you a lesson about ASTEROIDS

Conveniently, as the hicks are STUPID, NASA can S-p-e-l-l out how asteroids work so the thick audience can understand too!

One hour of hilarious training montages follow as Bruce and other hicks learn to be astronauts. They’re now fully trained!

They go to space and meet a whacky Russian character - errrhhhhh, drink some vodkaaa!

The camera shakily moves a lot around the dark meteor set and we can’t see what is happening for the majority of the time.

Eventually after a lot of drilling shots, Bruce eventually SACRFIICES himself for his daughter – they now decide that they love each other and want to spend time with one another, well a bit fucking late now!

Liv – I love you.....DAD!!!!

AIR GUITARRRR SOLOOOOOO plays as he blows himself up from numerous different angles.

We cut to earth, which shows glorious AMERICANS waving their flags and celebrating, and then to English men sipping cups of tea in their castles and then some other FOREGIN countries where they dance around their mud huts and fire in their rags.