The Strangers – strangers who incidentally have magical powers and everyone else has lost their sense of spatial awareness and common sense!

Liv and Scott spend some time moping in a house... A house in a wood... At night. Uh oh!

‘Character development’ happens for some time. I.e. crying over a break-up without actually given a reason except a dozy flashback sequence to create DRAMATIC TENSION.

Knock knock. Answer door. ‘Is Tamara home?’ ‘No’ ‘Ok. See you later ;)’.
‘Huh Liv, wasn’t that strange? Oh well, I think I’ll leave you in the scariest house on earth in the middle of nowhere whilst I have time to think. Bye!’

Liv wanders about a bit. Knock knock. Repeat the first scene.

Liv stands in the position she does in the movie poster. The same movie poster that reveals that a man will walk in behind her with a mask on…oh look there he is. Probably the most effective shot in the movie, and the producers ruin it by showing it to everyone beforehand. Liv however can’t sense/hear/notice that there is someone in the room with her. The camera moves slightly, indicating that in the next shot mask man will be gone. HE IS.

Liv then hears banging. Every time she looks out…NO ONE IS THERE.

Things start to get a bit out of hand when everything crashes, mask men are running in and out of the house, throwing weapons, Liv is screaming. Then there is all but silence. Someone is creeping to her door…. oh what a surprise its Scott. Even more surprising, he puts on the whole oblivious ‘what happened? Oh I don’t believe you!’ routine. ‘What noise? What people? It must have been a prank! I think you might be seeing things because you are stressed’

When they investigate, there is absolutely no evidence of intruders. I’m sorry, but how did that happen? He would have driven up to the house and walked PAST the intruders. How could he not notice? How could the mask men cover all of their tracks in 2 seconds? HOW???

Scott and Liv try to run. Mask men stop them.

Scott and Liv try to hide. Mask men find them.

Scott and Liv breathe heavily. Mask men hear them.

Every single time the camera shows a mask man standing there, the camera will then cut away, cut back to where the mask men were, revealing them to have MOVED. This happens about 72 times.

Eventually, Scott and Liv set up shop with a shotgun in a bedroom. Scott points the shotgun at the door, ready to shoot any motherfucker who enters. Mask men apparently read minds, and despite going everywhere else, decide not to go in that room.

Luckily, Scott’s bestest ever friend from high school pays a visit. Conveniently, mask men have made themselves scarce. Best friend slowly…slowly walks around the house, not making a noise, not even calling out Scott’s name. Masked man is also stalking him with an axe. Despite being about 10 inches away from best friend, best friend ignores all of his natural instincts and NEVER turns around. There is a moment where he looks like he is about to, but then can’t be bothered. He also never says ‘hey, Scott, are you here buddy?’

Predictably the idiot walks in front of the bedroom/where Scott is waiting to shoot a stranger, says ‘Scott!’ where, oh noes! Scott shoots him in the face. You can literally see the scene coming as soon as best friend pulls up in front of the house.

Scott whines about killing his friend. Really is the friend’s fault for being so stupid.

Mask men finally finish wanking off over scaring Liv and Scott and have used up all of their magic moving super powers and eventually capture the two.

‘Why are you doing this to us?’ ‘Because you were home!’ Oh OK!

They remove their masks – oh, but don’t let us see!!! This is meant to be symbolic. It isn’t.

Scott and Liv cry a lot. Mask men stab a lot. This is PLEASANT.

Bible kids give mask men bibles. They stumble across Liv who pulls a Carrie. (Prom Carrie not Carrie Bradshaw)

The audience don’t, but really should rent Funny Games.

The Core – the core that no one sore

Armageddon happens but instead of going in outer space the team of ORDINARY people go into inner earth!

Military talk science military stuff that the audience does not understand.

Aaron Eckhart explains everything with a piece of fruit – to the military…not for the audience to understand or anything…

Every day man with a heart of gold, woman with a masculine side played by academy award winner Hilary Swank, black guy, uptight older guy, two unknown actors. There’s our team! A team whereby it is extremely difficult to decipher who will survive.

The ship parks outside a blue screen. Here it will remain, while trying to convince the audience they are delving into the earth’s core.

Hilary effortlessly flies the ship.

Team exits ship into the core. They do some experiment. Half an hour into the film – unidentifiable actor #1 looks smug and turns to the crew, ‘you know…I think everything’s gonna be allllllrrright!’ He dies immediately after saying this.

Crew don’t even bother moping or feeling sad, he was that unimportant.

Unidentifiable actor #2 is feeling a bit too overly sentimental toward his children’s photographs. Suddenly, a situation occurs where he can either save himself or the photos. Guess which one he picks. Seriously, fucking guess.

After he is disposed of, uptight guy starts endangering himself by threatening the crew. He is subsequently punished.

Black guy, being black, really has to go. He doesn’t escape the rule as he is not the rapper LL Cool J. He dies quite a painful death.

Amongst all the death scenes, we are constantly treated to scenes of the military looking at big graphs and maps and looking serious.

Aaron and Hilary are desperate to kill themselves and continue with the suicidal mission without a plan.

They end up saving the world. The military do not care.

Sonar waves and whales save the two somehow by circling their position under the sea.

Rock song plays by a cheaper version of Aerosmith…just like at the end of Armageddon.

The audience feel nothing, as there were no audiences for this film.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S -

Rachel - I love clothes! I'm spoilt!
Monica - Give me something to clean!
Phoebe - Yeahh...totally...spirits...hippy
Joey - durrrr, give me pizza
Chandler - sarcasm is my forte!
Ross - I'm a nerd!
Unintelligent audience 'ahahaha'

Scene:
Rachel 'I need a better job so I can afford clothes'
Monica 'If you have a lot of clothes, Ill clean them for you!' - ahahahaha
Chandler ' Could those clothes BE any cleaner?' - AHAHAHAHA
Ross 'Hey, do you know whats more interesting than clothes, dinosaurs!!' - ahaha
Joey 'Can you eat dinosaurs? Me so hungry' - ahaha *cheering*
Phoebe 'Eating animals is wrong...yeaah, like totally'
Rachel and Ross get together.
Rachel and Ross split up
Ross 'WE WERE ON A BREAK!!' - AHAHAHA *CHEERING* *WHISTLING*

The above scene repeats itself for ten years. TEN YEARS.

Jumanji Park 3

Sam Neil, when asked if he would go back to a dinosaur island says 'no way, absolutely not!'

We cut to Sam Neil going to a dinosaur island.

The special effects crew had accidently thrown out their blue prints and saved files of the T -Rex for films 1 and 2, the most powerful and important dinosaur there ever was...and try and palm the audience off with the 'spineasorus'. It is SHIT. Watching the spineasorous kicking the T-Rex's ass really undermines its power when you rewatch the originals.

Spineasorous tries to be as bad ass as T -Rex. It isn't.

By this point I'm certain that Jeff Goldblum isn't going to bother showing up, and now I'm even more depressed.

Annoying child is found on the island. We can only assume that he possesses super powers.

Raptors are apparently EVIL and set up malicious traps involving your closest friends. They don't go for the kill anymore, but the PAIN.

Raptors are also keen practical jokers. A raptor predicts that our cast will enter an abandonded science lab, sneaks about and hides behind an empty glass cabinet, next to other class cabinets filled with dead dinosaurs. Ahahaha, those raptors have a great sense of humour.

Bothersome Billy steals raptor eggs. Raptors are pissed.

Raptors confront the star studded cast. Sam Neil actually gets a raptor skull mouth and blows through it, speaking Raptor.

If raptors are so smart - can't they just see that Sam and co. AREN'T raptors. What, so because they can speak raptor, they're suddenly off the dinner menu?

If that wasn't enough, our beloved cast run to the beach, where a single man in a suit is standing there. He asks 'Dr Grant?'. We cut to Sam going 'that's me bitch!'. We cut back to the ENTIRE US ARMY - tanks, helicopters, men in uniform storming the beach. 2 points, 1) where the FUCK did they come?? there was no noise or any trace of them literally 3 seconds prior. 2) Even if I was to believe that the army possess super sneakiness and silence and quick as lightening moving abilities...why would they drop off one man in a suit and run away and hide like a practical joke???? WHY????

The film ends with the flying dinosaurs flying next to the helicopters back to the mainland. Sam Neil smiles, even though that flying dinosaurs on the mainland will result in CHAOS.

I think the movie was doomed as soon as as Joe 'I directed Jumanji, me!' Johnston was hired. I suppose we just have to hope that Michael Bay/Joel Shulmamamamamacher isn't hired for JP4
Even worse...M Night Shamamamama...the twist - the dinosaurs were really the cast of Cheers dressed up!

The Mummy - Tomb of the dragon of the tomb of the king of Jet Li's Comeback

I think the best way to summarise the awfulness of this movie is simply:

Brendan Fraser is BY FAR the best thing about it.

Seriously. That's how awful it is.

Me?? The best thing?? Fuck, what happened?

Why am I laughing???

The Notebook - see blog's title

Oh god, here we fucking go.

Old woman looks out of a window. Old man strides about a nursing home, his name is Duke.

Duke i.e. Ryan Gosling when he is old narrates the story, oh WHOOPS, I’ve RUINED the twist of the storyline. Oh well, if you didn’t get the fact IMMEDIATLEY and I mean before Ryan and Rachel even come onto the screen, be ashamed. Some might argue that this isn’t meant to be a plot twist…but then why even BOTHER calling Ryan in his old age ‘Duke’ and not mentioning the female character. Why even have that if there wasn’t going to be some sort of revelation?

The representation of the retirement home is so inaccurate it is actually quite infuriating. Patients do not swan about the place with a skip in their step high fiving the staff with everyone having a smile on their fucking faces in the most miserable environment imaginable.

Duke offers to read the old hag a story; she mumbles about and acts like she has Alzheimer’s.

We are teleported to a simpler time – with glamorous stars Ryan and Rachel. Ryan watches Rachel laugh in slow…motion. I don’t know if this is meant to highlight Rachel’s fabulousness or if it acts as Ryan POV cam. so we can see how he sees the world – s…l…o…w.

Ryan looks uncomfortable and nearly embarrassed. He mutters all of his lines thinking ‘did I just fucking say that? That I’d be a BIRD?’

Rachel is upper class but a free spirit. She laughs a lot. What the hell is she laughing at? How her and the rest of the crew have robbed the audience of their money and of their intelligence??

Ryan demands Rachel goes out with him. They go out on a date that consists of dancing on the road and lying on the road. Unfortunately, a passing car crushes neither.

They fall in love etc – with a montage of loved up moments. They try and shag each other, but this is olden times and darn it, those gosh darned things just weren’t done back then.

The supporting characters repeatedly tell us that Rachel is ‘spectacular’. As there is no evidence of this on film, I think we are supposed to submit to what the supporting characters are saying and just take their word for it.

Infamous bird scene:

Rachel flaps her arms about, fucking cawing and pretending to fly (I think this is supposed to be an example of how SPECTACULAR she is). Ryan doesn’t even bother trying to hide his embarrassment and wishes he were somewhere else.
She asks him to say that she is a bird.
He says no.
She asks again.
He says she’s a bird.
‘Are you a bird?’ She asks.
‘Ifyourabirdimabird’ – he spits out as fast as he can.
There we have it, the most romantic, beautiful exchange ever written. They’re both birds now, isn’t that fucking great?

We also get the inevitable ‘I earn one dollar a week but I don’t need much money as I am a GOOD man, I am honest and pure and love my family. I don’t have much and I don’t know much, but I have the heart. I don’t need material possessions to provide my happiness; I have love…love, glorious love! Yet, my masculinity is unthreatened as even though I am something of a poet, I do hard woodworking. Oh yeah, I’d fucking beat you down if I was in a fight with you, upper class, cold hearted rich twerp!’ I’m sorry, but how many times have Hollywood rammed that admittedly, overlong message down our throats?

Working class Ryan’s dad is paralleled with Rachel’s upper class dad.
Working class – kind, reads, does woodwork, talks to Rachel kindly.
Upper class – sits alone at night on a rocking chair, twiddling a moustache, holding a cigar and swirling a glass of brandy. I can only assume the filmmakers read ‘societies class divides for dummies’

James Marsden plays the back up male character. What is with James Marsden always being cast as the secondary male? Is there something about him that screams second best? He is our generation’s Bill Pullman.

Ryan continues to be so…boring. James begins to look like the better choice.

They split up because were just past the half way point in the running time and something needs to fucking happen before I slash my wrists.

Old people time! Duke’s children visit and want him to come home. It is at this point that old Rachel actually utters the words ‘oooh, I do wish I could figure out the end of this story!’ - WHAT??

Before I go insane, we’ll cut to Ryan going to war. He sees things differently now. He decides to build a house modelled on the fresh prince of Bel Air’s mansion.

Rachel goes to see Ryan. They finally fuck. Audience is beyond caring by this point.

Ryan actually crept out of bed, cut out 50 individual arrow signs, glued them to the floor to a room with an easel for painting in whilst Rachel was asleep. Who would do that? She isn’t a child!

Ryan claims he wrote a letter a day to Rachel. A ‘letter’ of course meaning childish scribblings in crayon on a post it note, but at least he tried.

Rachel’s bitch of a mother hid the letters. No particular reason, but dammit! It made their love stronger.

Cut to present day, and old lady remembers! She remembers ALL!!! They dance for some time but oh no, that damn Alzheimer’s kicks off again and Rachel forgets everything. Duke looks upset.

Duke goes to see Rachel, who is in non-Alzheimer’s mode.

True love is apparently all-powerful and able to kill you if you ask it.

True love however, is not powerful enough to make a decent love story in Hollywood cinema anymore.
The end clip is of BIRDS flying to heaven. They actually became BIRDS.

Superbad knocked up Sarah Marshall

All of the promotional material insists that the movie is made by ‘guys’. Lad’s lads, GUYS. They’re friendly, mean no harm, are ‘aving a laugh – therefore, nothing can be construed as being offensive! It’s not MEANT to be taken seriously, as these are GUYS, not threatening misogynist men or anything…

The leading guy ranges from ‘meh’ to grotesque. Most likely overweight. Even more likely to be a pot smoker. Men can identify with this everyday representation. Women will find him adorable!








Evidence 1 and 2. Evidence 3: The lead guy is placed at the BACK of the poster.

Female leading lady is hot, thin, blonde and gorgeous. Men find her extremely attractive. They put themselves in the everyday man’s shoes, ergo; think they will have a shot with a supermodel esq. woman.
Women can identify with this woman…wait, what?

This is considered to be fine and normal!

Men want sex because they have a) never had it before b) don’t get it often c) used to have it a lot, now can’t.

Ugly, ugly man gets to have lots of sex with hot woman. They have a great time, or at least, the guy does.

Drug smoking scene. Drugs are funny!

Sex related scene (strip show/embarrassing attempt at sex/in shadows to hide his unattractive body). Sex is funny!

Popular culture references scenes.

Paul Rudd will undoubtedly show up.

They break up as he can’t commit/loves drugs/is lazy/leaves her to die in earthquake/cheats on her.

She though is a fucking bitch because she is serious and doesn’t play the lad game. B.I.T.C.H and wont let him smoke pot and sit on his arse all day.

Montages of them missing each other – he made her laugh, she made him orgasm.

The running time starts to linger on a bit now, so a halfhearted attempt is made to make this more than a comedy…it’s a drama because err… pregnancy is actually pretty serious err…being a cop can be pretty stressful at times…err Russell Brand leaving the movie is genuinely sad.

They get back together. She learns to lighten up and be lazier etc/forgive her boyfriend for getting a blowjob. He however, hasn’t learnt so much…and doesn’t even join a gym.

Judd Appatow edits the script slightly, replacing sex with a lot more drugs for Pineapple Express.

Juno – watch her in Hard Candy…not so adorable and quirky now is she?

An indie song BLASTS on. The audience feel smug with themselves that they are indulging in indie cinema that has intelligence.

Juno is pregnant and doesn’t seem too bothered.

She tells Michael Cera, who isn’t too bothered as he is busy recycling his Superbad/ Arrested development character.

Indie song plays.

Quirky teen speak is spoken. Far too much. No one fucking talks like that. Home skillet.

The audience meanwhile are trying desperately to laugh at something and awkwardly look at one another to try and work out what the funny bits are e.g. err, Michael Cera is wearing yellow shorts…ahahaha!

Juno continues to be pregnant whilst insistently listening to INDIE songs.

Juno picks the parents who will adopt her child, but expresses this in the most quirky way possible by holding a hamburger phone, sitting on an armchair with a pipe outside of their house, drinking 17 bottles of sunny delight whilst head banging to an indie song. Probably.

Juno spends a lot of time with the dad. Dad mistakes this for Juno coming on to him; she insists she wasn’t leading him on (she totally fucking was).

Uptight Jennifer Garner gets the baby. Baby is happy that it will definitely be raised in a non-indie music environment and away from meaningless voiceovers.

Juno and Michael Cera forget all about the baby and instead make indie music.

Audiences pretend they loved it and convince themselves that they ‘totally got it’.

They didn’t.