Jumanji Park 3

Sam Neil, when asked if he would go back to a dinosaur island says 'no way, absolutely not!'

We cut to Sam Neil going to a dinosaur island.

The special effects crew had accidently thrown out their blue prints and saved files of the T -Rex for films 1 and 2, the most powerful and important dinosaur there ever was...and try and palm the audience off with the 'spineasorus'. It is SHIT. Watching the spineasorous kicking the T-Rex's ass really undermines its power when you rewatch the originals.

Spineasorous tries to be as bad ass as T -Rex. It isn't.

By this point I'm certain that Jeff Goldblum isn't going to bother showing up, and now I'm even more depressed.

Annoying child is found on the island. We can only assume that he possesses super powers.

Raptors are apparently EVIL and set up malicious traps involving your closest friends. They don't go for the kill anymore, but the PAIN.

Raptors are also keen practical jokers. A raptor predicts that our cast will enter an abandonded science lab, sneaks about and hides behind an empty glass cabinet, next to other class cabinets filled with dead dinosaurs. Ahahaha, those raptors have a great sense of humour.

Bothersome Billy steals raptor eggs. Raptors are pissed.

Raptors confront the star studded cast. Sam Neil actually gets a raptor skull mouth and blows through it, speaking Raptor.

If raptors are so smart - can't they just see that Sam and co. AREN'T raptors. What, so because they can speak raptor, they're suddenly off the dinner menu?

If that wasn't enough, our beloved cast run to the beach, where a single man in a suit is standing there. He asks 'Dr Grant?'. We cut to Sam going 'that's me bitch!'. We cut back to the ENTIRE US ARMY - tanks, helicopters, men in uniform storming the beach. 2 points, 1) where the FUCK did they come?? there was no noise or any trace of them literally 3 seconds prior. 2) Even if I was to believe that the army possess super sneakiness and silence and quick as lightening moving abilities...why would they drop off one man in a suit and run away and hide like a practical joke???? WHY????

The film ends with the flying dinosaurs flying next to the helicopters back to the mainland. Sam Neil smiles, even though that flying dinosaurs on the mainland will result in CHAOS.

I think the movie was doomed as soon as as Joe 'I directed Jumanji, me!' Johnston was hired. I suppose we just have to hope that Michael Bay/Joel Shulmamamamamacher isn't hired for JP4
Even worse...M Night Shamamamama...the twist - the dinosaurs were really the cast of Cheers dressed up!