The Strangers – strangers who incidentally have magical powers and everyone else has lost their sense of spatial awareness and common sense!

Liv and Scott spend some time moping in a house... A house in a wood... At night. Uh oh!

‘Character development’ happens for some time. I.e. crying over a break-up without actually given a reason except a dozy flashback sequence to create DRAMATIC TENSION.

Knock knock. Answer door. ‘Is Tamara home?’ ‘No’ ‘Ok. See you later ;)’.
‘Huh Liv, wasn’t that strange? Oh well, I think I’ll leave you in the scariest house on earth in the middle of nowhere whilst I have time to think. Bye!’

Liv wanders about a bit. Knock knock. Repeat the first scene.

Liv stands in the position she does in the movie poster. The same movie poster that reveals that a man will walk in behind her with a mask on…oh look there he is. Probably the most effective shot in the movie, and the producers ruin it by showing it to everyone beforehand. Liv however can’t sense/hear/notice that there is someone in the room with her. The camera moves slightly, indicating that in the next shot mask man will be gone. HE IS.

Liv then hears banging. Every time she looks out…NO ONE IS THERE.

Things start to get a bit out of hand when everything crashes, mask men are running in and out of the house, throwing weapons, Liv is screaming. Then there is all but silence. Someone is creeping to her door…. oh what a surprise its Scott. Even more surprising, he puts on the whole oblivious ‘what happened? Oh I don’t believe you!’ routine. ‘What noise? What people? It must have been a prank! I think you might be seeing things because you are stressed’

When they investigate, there is absolutely no evidence of intruders. I’m sorry, but how did that happen? He would have driven up to the house and walked PAST the intruders. How could he not notice? How could the mask men cover all of their tracks in 2 seconds? HOW???

Scott and Liv try to run. Mask men stop them.

Scott and Liv try to hide. Mask men find them.

Scott and Liv breathe heavily. Mask men hear them.

Every single time the camera shows a mask man standing there, the camera will then cut away, cut back to where the mask men were, revealing them to have MOVED. This happens about 72 times.

Eventually, Scott and Liv set up shop with a shotgun in a bedroom. Scott points the shotgun at the door, ready to shoot any motherfucker who enters. Mask men apparently read minds, and despite going everywhere else, decide not to go in that room.

Luckily, Scott’s bestest ever friend from high school pays a visit. Conveniently, mask men have made themselves scarce. Best friend slowly…slowly walks around the house, not making a noise, not even calling out Scott’s name. Masked man is also stalking him with an axe. Despite being about 10 inches away from best friend, best friend ignores all of his natural instincts and NEVER turns around. There is a moment where he looks like he is about to, but then can’t be bothered. He also never says ‘hey, Scott, are you here buddy?’

Predictably the idiot walks in front of the bedroom/where Scott is waiting to shoot a stranger, says ‘Scott!’ where, oh noes! Scott shoots him in the face. You can literally see the scene coming as soon as best friend pulls up in front of the house.

Scott whines about killing his friend. Really is the friend’s fault for being so stupid.

Mask men finally finish wanking off over scaring Liv and Scott and have used up all of their magic moving super powers and eventually capture the two.

‘Why are you doing this to us?’ ‘Because you were home!’ Oh OK!

They remove their masks – oh, but don’t let us see!!! This is meant to be symbolic. It isn’t.

Scott and Liv cry a lot. Mask men stab a lot. This is PLEASANT.

Bible kids give mask men bibles. They stumble across Liv who pulls a Carrie. (Prom Carrie not Carrie Bradshaw)

The audience don’t, but really should rent Funny Games.