This is the first video I have EVER made and published - enjoy!
Sunday 10 January 2010
Sunday 3 January 2010
REVIEW: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 7/10
I have always had a gripe with the Harry Potter films, being a big fan of the books, the films could of course never live up to the amazing world created in J K Rowling’s wonderful novels. However, in its sixth outing, the Potter films have finally started to come together. Everything has almost fallen into place, it is just a shame it has taken so long to get here.
Harry, coping from the tragic death of his Godfather Sirius, returns to Hogwarts with the threat of the death eaters roaming the lands, even infiltrating muggle world. Things also get a bit steamy as lurrrve is in the air, or at least teen lust in a PG rated context. The main bulk of the story includes the deliciously named ‘horcruxes’, a dangerous spell with the ability to conceal a person’s (i.e. Voldermort’s) soul, thus enabling them to live forever. With the help from new Professor Slughorn and a few trips into the pensive, Harry must once again battle for good.
When one compares this to the original film, the Philosophers (oh sorry sorcerers) stone, it is barely recognisable as being part of the same franchise. Everything is so much more grown up, darker in its themes, content and imagery. Gone are the chocolate box, Christmas feeling of warmness, bright colours and majestic music, this is grim, dark, cold and creepy in places.
The actors have mostly grown successfully into their roles, Daniel Radcliffe is effective here, and he manages to deliver some funny lines and feels like a leading man now, not just the kid who looked like how the book described him. Rupert Grint really shines, he has genuine comic timing and is given a lot more to do, and is central to the lurrrve theme. Emma Watson, easily the weakest of the three, seems to think that emoting means increasing eyebrow movement to convey feelings of angst, but 2 out of 3 good lead performances is not bad. The adults all shine in their limited roles, Helena Bonham Carter is mad as a snake and Alan Rickman is good fun as Snape. Jim Broadbent’s new addition of Slughorn is very amusing. Another great turn is Tom Felton as Malfoy, who has matured and is given important to deal with. Some are so blink and you miss them, for example, Wormtail inexplicably is present to deliver one sneer, and then disappear. The bland award does not go to Emma Watson, but to Ginny, who delivers her lines in a complete monotone fashion, it is completely strange why Harry is so infatuated with her, and is hard to believe.
There are problems though of course, though some may welcome the return of Quidditch, it seemed out of place with the darkness and the amount of lightness the love potion provided. Some parts also seemed unnecessary, Aragog’s funeral? And downright bizarre, the burning of the burrow? This is the most emotional story in the series, and unfortunately it does not deliver the right level of emotion required, I doubt tears will be spilled unlike when reading the shocking turns in the book, the descriptions and excitement give more life to the events. The revealing of the half blood prince seems almost like an afterthought, despite being the title of the damn film.
However, despite this niggling, it is good, solid and entertaining. The atmosphere is great and at times, genuinely creepy and shocking.
I have always had a gripe with the Harry Potter films, being a big fan of the books, the films could of course never live up to the amazing world created in J K Rowling’s wonderful novels. However, in its sixth outing, the Potter films have finally started to come together. Everything has almost fallen into place, it is just a shame it has taken so long to get here.
Harry, coping from the tragic death of his Godfather Sirius, returns to Hogwarts with the threat of the death eaters roaming the lands, even infiltrating muggle world. Things also get a bit steamy as lurrrve is in the air, or at least teen lust in a PG rated context. The main bulk of the story includes the deliciously named ‘horcruxes’, a dangerous spell with the ability to conceal a person’s (i.e. Voldermort’s) soul, thus enabling them to live forever. With the help from new Professor Slughorn and a few trips into the pensive, Harry must once again battle for good.
When one compares this to the original film, the Philosophers (oh sorry sorcerers) stone, it is barely recognisable as being part of the same franchise. Everything is so much more grown up, darker in its themes, content and imagery. Gone are the chocolate box, Christmas feeling of warmness, bright colours and majestic music, this is grim, dark, cold and creepy in places.
The actors have mostly grown successfully into their roles, Daniel Radcliffe is effective here, and he manages to deliver some funny lines and feels like a leading man now, not just the kid who looked like how the book described him. Rupert Grint really shines, he has genuine comic timing and is given a lot more to do, and is central to the lurrrve theme. Emma Watson, easily the weakest of the three, seems to think that emoting means increasing eyebrow movement to convey feelings of angst, but 2 out of 3 good lead performances is not bad. The adults all shine in their limited roles, Helena Bonham Carter is mad as a snake and Alan Rickman is good fun as Snape. Jim Broadbent’s new addition of Slughorn is very amusing. Another great turn is Tom Felton as Malfoy, who has matured and is given important to deal with. Some are so blink and you miss them, for example, Wormtail inexplicably is present to deliver one sneer, and then disappear. The bland award does not go to Emma Watson, but to Ginny, who delivers her lines in a complete monotone fashion, it is completely strange why Harry is so infatuated with her, and is hard to believe.
There are problems though of course, though some may welcome the return of Quidditch, it seemed out of place with the darkness and the amount of lightness the love potion provided. Some parts also seemed unnecessary, Aragog’s funeral? And downright bizarre, the burning of the burrow? This is the most emotional story in the series, and unfortunately it does not deliver the right level of emotion required, I doubt tears will be spilled unlike when reading the shocking turns in the book, the descriptions and excitement give more life to the events. The revealing of the half blood prince seems almost like an afterthought, despite being the title of the damn film.
However, despite this niggling, it is good, solid and entertaining. The atmosphere is great and at times, genuinely creepy and shocking.
REVIEW: Eden Lake
Eden Lake – 8/10
The Daily Mail were right, hoodies are over running the world and are trying to kill us all! Eden Lake takes the premise that tabloids ram down our necks on a near daily basis about the rise in hoodies and the chaos that surrounds them and turns it into a strangely convincing and disturbing low budget British horror flick.
A couple go to Eden Lake for a weekend getaway, only to encounter a group of tear-away hoodies. First is just a general aggravation, but then turns into something a lot more sinister and ultimately, life threatening for the couple. They should have just let them listen to their lovely music!
The hoodies might as well been wheeled in from the street, these kids are so convincing; I genuinely believed they were real, they were very frightening. Jack (TV’s Skins) is a stand out in a shining ensemble of relative unknown young actors. The adults are in fact overshadowed by them. Kelly Reily is fine, doing the innocent to upset to rage covered in mud very well and Michael Fassbender is solid as her fiancé.
There level of violence borders on excessive and also unnecessary. There is a prolonged torture sequence, that is bordering on inevitable in horror these days, in an attempt to appease gore hounds. We do not need to see it in our faces. However, Eden Lake does not rely on this technique, The nastiest piece of violence takes place completely in the background and is shown for a couple of seconds, however, that particular moment has stayed with me and I found it incredibly disturbing. Sometimes some of the events verge on silliness and are predictable. Despite this, it is genuinely disturbing with a terrifying finale which may haunt you. The atmosphere and slow burning to pressure boiling point, the murky gritty atmosphere all is the real horror. What is ultimately scary is that it feels real, this could happen. The violence, lack of empathy and how situations can escalate beyond your control is terrifying. Especially when this happens in the biggest, most isolated forest in the world after the one they used in Deliverance. Speaking of, obviously, Eden Lake is indebted to – middle class vacationers stumble across the lower class territory, feelings of animosity, hate and ultimately, stalking evolve rapidly. Without the water rapids.
Highly recommended, it will divide audiences, it will also generate controversy in the portrayal of the youths. It holds a mirror to society’s problems and simply that, it does not profess to know the deep roots of where this hatred stems from, it just wants to scare the living day lights out of you.
The Daily Mail were right, hoodies are over running the world and are trying to kill us all! Eden Lake takes the premise that tabloids ram down our necks on a near daily basis about the rise in hoodies and the chaos that surrounds them and turns it into a strangely convincing and disturbing low budget British horror flick.
A couple go to Eden Lake for a weekend getaway, only to encounter a group of tear-away hoodies. First is just a general aggravation, but then turns into something a lot more sinister and ultimately, life threatening for the couple. They should have just let them listen to their lovely music!
The hoodies might as well been wheeled in from the street, these kids are so convincing; I genuinely believed they were real, they were very frightening. Jack (TV’s Skins) is a stand out in a shining ensemble of relative unknown young actors. The adults are in fact overshadowed by them. Kelly Reily is fine, doing the innocent to upset to rage covered in mud very well and Michael Fassbender is solid as her fiancé.
There level of violence borders on excessive and also unnecessary. There is a prolonged torture sequence, that is bordering on inevitable in horror these days, in an attempt to appease gore hounds. We do not need to see it in our faces. However, Eden Lake does not rely on this technique, The nastiest piece of violence takes place completely in the background and is shown for a couple of seconds, however, that particular moment has stayed with me and I found it incredibly disturbing. Sometimes some of the events verge on silliness and are predictable. Despite this, it is genuinely disturbing with a terrifying finale which may haunt you. The atmosphere and slow burning to pressure boiling point, the murky gritty atmosphere all is the real horror. What is ultimately scary is that it feels real, this could happen. The violence, lack of empathy and how situations can escalate beyond your control is terrifying. Especially when this happens in the biggest, most isolated forest in the world after the one they used in Deliverance. Speaking of, obviously, Eden Lake is indebted to – middle class vacationers stumble across the lower class territory, feelings of animosity, hate and ultimately, stalking evolve rapidly. Without the water rapids.
Highly recommended, it will divide audiences, it will also generate controversy in the portrayal of the youths. It holds a mirror to society’s problems and simply that, it does not profess to know the deep roots of where this hatred stems from, it just wants to scare the living day lights out of you.
REVIEW: 2012
2012 – 2/10
Oh no, a family has become estranged! Quick, a global disaster will help them sort out their problems and realise that they actually do love each other! Luckily, in 2012, Scientists have discovered as part of the predictions by the Mayan’s, the earth’s crust is going to blow up with heat, thus destroying everything. This is the ultimate disaster movie. Literally.
This makes Roland Emmerich’s biggest hit, Independence Day look like Citizen Kane. Cliched line I know, but this movie is full of clichés, I think I’m allowed to use one. Each action sequence involves just escaping the tidal wave/ball of fire/avalanche by one second. Every damn action sequence. The visuals are impressive yes, but, so what. The script is beyond awful and incredibly hammy. We get to see certain monuments destroyed that Independence day and the day after tomorrow didn’t get to include: the Vatican, Mount Everest, the statue in South America, a cruise ship hit by a tidal wave....hey, that was just Poseidon. Or a massive ship hitting a huge ice berg....wait a minute.
The characters have been copied and pasted into this screenplay – if such a thing existed, I imagine it was a few post it notes of texts crammed between ‘blow things up!!!’ Heartfelt Scientist, Aging Captain, Noble President, Father of adorable/annoying children, mad wacky character who is totally going to die etc. The characters, oh wait, these are not characters. Characters just behave so irritatingly, random guy who is not an action star ‘I will sacrifice myself for the lead actors for no reason!’, when confronted with a near death experience ‘Don’t rush me, I need to concentrate!’. Oh, I wonder when fat selfish Russian will survive or not? Or how about bimbo Paris Hilton like woman? Or unfamous step dad? It’s ridiculous that these ‘kill me’ characters are there, as everyone is irritating, I was hoping they were all wiped out. John Cusack phones in a charismatic free performance as the ‘every day man’ hero.
The government decide to pick the intelligent and the rich to survive in some boats. At one point the president utters, ‘perhaps we should have just held a lottery, it would have been fairer!’. Well, Deep Impact used that plot, so this was the next best thing.
Apart from a great wacky turn by an almost unrecognisable Woody Harrelson and the sight of the Queen hurrying into a boat with her corgis, this is an entertainment free zone. Strangely and distractingly, the cameras appear to have switched toward the finale, the quality not out of place of a BBC Doctor Who episode. Did the film makers run out of money, break all the other equipment or presumed by this point the audience would have gone beyond caring? The premise of the tense free finale involves a wire caught in a cog. The cast apparently stumbled on the Poseidon set and decided to borrow the cheesiness that was present there. Roland Emerich includes another ‘the dog survived!’ moment, I was unable to tell whether this was a wink to the Independence day geeks or if he just really loves dogs.
There was so much potential for this to be a roller coaster ride with impressive visuals, scares and excitement. It was simply vomit inducing awful, beyond hammy and massively overlong. It is not a good sign of a film when it is near impossible to stop the physical reaction of shuddering down your spine, unable to contain audible groaning and hoping it is raining outside when the credits finally roll so you will be able to wash yourself clean again. Creaky visuals, a lack of imaginative or exciting score or awe inducing cinematography lead nothing positive. The overuse of ‘emotional’ phone calls to secondary characters you do not care at all about, even less than John Cusack and clan, is unbelievable. One such call is actually interrupted with an explosion, which I thought thank God, I don’t have to put up with another ‘you remember that time we....or how much you remind me of your mother...’ speech.
Oh no, a family has become estranged! Quick, a global disaster will help them sort out their problems and realise that they actually do love each other! Luckily, in 2012, Scientists have discovered as part of the predictions by the Mayan’s, the earth’s crust is going to blow up with heat, thus destroying everything. This is the ultimate disaster movie. Literally.
This makes Roland Emmerich’s biggest hit, Independence Day look like Citizen Kane. Cliched line I know, but this movie is full of clichés, I think I’m allowed to use one. Each action sequence involves just escaping the tidal wave/ball of fire/avalanche by one second. Every damn action sequence. The visuals are impressive yes, but, so what. The script is beyond awful and incredibly hammy. We get to see certain monuments destroyed that Independence day and the day after tomorrow didn’t get to include: the Vatican, Mount Everest, the statue in South America, a cruise ship hit by a tidal wave....hey, that was just Poseidon. Or a massive ship hitting a huge ice berg....wait a minute.
The characters have been copied and pasted into this screenplay – if such a thing existed, I imagine it was a few post it notes of texts crammed between ‘blow things up!!!’ Heartfelt Scientist, Aging Captain, Noble President, Father of adorable/annoying children, mad wacky character who is totally going to die etc. The characters, oh wait, these are not characters. Characters just behave so irritatingly, random guy who is not an action star ‘I will sacrifice myself for the lead actors for no reason!’, when confronted with a near death experience ‘Don’t rush me, I need to concentrate!’. Oh, I wonder when fat selfish Russian will survive or not? Or how about bimbo Paris Hilton like woman? Or unfamous step dad? It’s ridiculous that these ‘kill me’ characters are there, as everyone is irritating, I was hoping they were all wiped out. John Cusack phones in a charismatic free performance as the ‘every day man’ hero.
The government decide to pick the intelligent and the rich to survive in some boats. At one point the president utters, ‘perhaps we should have just held a lottery, it would have been fairer!’. Well, Deep Impact used that plot, so this was the next best thing.
Apart from a great wacky turn by an almost unrecognisable Woody Harrelson and the sight of the Queen hurrying into a boat with her corgis, this is an entertainment free zone. Strangely and distractingly, the cameras appear to have switched toward the finale, the quality not out of place of a BBC Doctor Who episode. Did the film makers run out of money, break all the other equipment or presumed by this point the audience would have gone beyond caring? The premise of the tense free finale involves a wire caught in a cog. The cast apparently stumbled on the Poseidon set and decided to borrow the cheesiness that was present there. Roland Emerich includes another ‘the dog survived!’ moment, I was unable to tell whether this was a wink to the Independence day geeks or if he just really loves dogs.
There was so much potential for this to be a roller coaster ride with impressive visuals, scares and excitement. It was simply vomit inducing awful, beyond hammy and massively overlong. It is not a good sign of a film when it is near impossible to stop the physical reaction of shuddering down your spine, unable to contain audible groaning and hoping it is raining outside when the credits finally roll so you will be able to wash yourself clean again. Creaky visuals, a lack of imaginative or exciting score or awe inducing cinematography lead nothing positive. The overuse of ‘emotional’ phone calls to secondary characters you do not care at all about, even less than John Cusack and clan, is unbelievable. One such call is actually interrupted with an explosion, which I thought thank God, I don’t have to put up with another ‘you remember that time we....or how much you remind me of your mother...’ speech.
REVIEW: Bride Wars
Bride Wars – 2/10
How does Kate Hudson manage to still get work? Her filmography is appalling, and Bride Wars will no doubt cement her as romantic-comedies worst leading lady. Bride Wars central premise is that all women care about is the wedding day and will do anything to make it the –oh my god, best day ever!
The two unlikeable best friends, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, have always dreamt of the perfect day they will marry their prince-charmings, as a chocolate box flashback to childhood illustrates. They are both proposed to at the same time and both book their weddings at the Ritz. After an unspecified mix-up, only one wedding can be held, so bride wars are held, hilarious set ups for Anne and Kate to sabotage each other’s big day.
If dying someone’s hair blue or making someone’s tan very orange sounds absolutely hilarious, then perhaps Bride Wars is not so bad. However, if that sounds more like you’ve been framed level of hilarity, perhaps it is best to avoid Bride Wars. Awful performances, especially from Hudson, undistinguishable male leads, the almost inevitable cameo of Candice ‘I play the stern older glamorous woman’ Bergen and incredibly sexist displays of womanhood, would a fully qualified lawyer and teacher really be that stupid, self involved and shallow? There is of course a lot of dress, wedding porn, pleasing on the eye, but does not make up for the boring, unimaginative, lazy and offensive script, poor comic delivery or the depressing feeling it will awaken in the audience. Did feminism ever happen? The audience’s poor response and lack of laughter summed up the experience. Poor use of a cheesy voice over – really? Is it necessary for a narrator to explain what is happening or is it a means of making sure the audience has not fallen asleep or knocked themselves unconscious?
How does Kate Hudson manage to still get work? Her filmography is appalling, and Bride Wars will no doubt cement her as romantic-comedies worst leading lady. Bride Wars central premise is that all women care about is the wedding day and will do anything to make it the –oh my god, best day ever!
The two unlikeable best friends, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, have always dreamt of the perfect day they will marry their prince-charmings, as a chocolate box flashback to childhood illustrates. They are both proposed to at the same time and both book their weddings at the Ritz. After an unspecified mix-up, only one wedding can be held, so bride wars are held, hilarious set ups for Anne and Kate to sabotage each other’s big day.
If dying someone’s hair blue or making someone’s tan very orange sounds absolutely hilarious, then perhaps Bride Wars is not so bad. However, if that sounds more like you’ve been framed level of hilarity, perhaps it is best to avoid Bride Wars. Awful performances, especially from Hudson, undistinguishable male leads, the almost inevitable cameo of Candice ‘I play the stern older glamorous woman’ Bergen and incredibly sexist displays of womanhood, would a fully qualified lawyer and teacher really be that stupid, self involved and shallow? There is of course a lot of dress, wedding porn, pleasing on the eye, but does not make up for the boring, unimaginative, lazy and offensive script, poor comic delivery or the depressing feeling it will awaken in the audience. Did feminism ever happen? The audience’s poor response and lack of laughter summed up the experience. Poor use of a cheesy voice over – really? Is it necessary for a narrator to explain what is happening or is it a means of making sure the audience has not fallen asleep or knocked themselves unconscious?
REVIEW: Captivity
Captivity – 1/10
Well, Roland Joffe has ruined his career. The man behind The Killing Fields and The Mission is the man responsible for easily the worst movie of the noughties. The man behind the Killing fields! Elisha Cuthbert should not be allowed to be involved with movies, with Captivity, as well as The Girl Next Door and her creaky turn in Love Actually, Cuthbert is a charisma free vacuum. She apparently picked the project as it is about a girl who goes through a tough time and learns something from it. When really it is a vile excuse to watch a pretty blonde being subjected to obscene sequences of torture.
The controversy that surrounded the despicable poster campaign, bringing harsh words from lovable Joss Whedon, shows just how offensive, vile and disgusting Captivity really is, and these people just got this from a poster, not even putting themselves through the punishment of Captivity. As the producers were presumably rubbing their hands and seeing dollar shapes on their eyeballs as the controversy exploded onto the press, it had the opposite effect, only grossing 6 million. That’s less than Catwoman’s overall gross!
Elisha is an actress, (what a stretch for such acting chops!) She has a stalker who eventually decides that just watching her every move in the open is not enough and puts her in... captivity. Elisha is locked in a room surrounded by video cameras (hello, Saw anyone?) whilst we see various shots of the stalker wearing leather gloves whilst sipping a glass of chardonnays (probably masturbating with the other hand off-screen).
Looking at her pretty face isn’t good enough, after re-watching home movies of the killer having sex with his own mother (ooh, mother issues! Someone has been watching Psycho!), this is interspersed with the same scene playing over and over again. Elisha is subjected to some torture (e.g. shoving blended human parts up her nose, burying her in sand) to the point where she nearly dies...oh and then saves her. Repeat. REPEAT. Up until Elisha’s superpower of feminism kicks in and she overcomes the killer. Yay, women are empowered. Only after enduring and hour and a half of overblown lingering torture whilst screaming daintily ‘pleaseee, I’ll do anything!’ Am I supposed to feel glad she makes it out alive? Something wasn’t right as I’ve never emerged from a screening feeling so unclean and so mentally abused.
Apart from being moral free, overtly and gleefully misogynist, for a horror movie, there is nothing frightening about this. There are no moments of shock or terror, just a sickening feeling in your stomach that this is what cinema has been reduced to and classed as mainstream horror.
Well, Roland Joffe has ruined his career. The man behind The Killing Fields and The Mission is the man responsible for easily the worst movie of the noughties. The man behind the Killing fields! Elisha Cuthbert should not be allowed to be involved with movies, with Captivity, as well as The Girl Next Door and her creaky turn in Love Actually, Cuthbert is a charisma free vacuum. She apparently picked the project as it is about a girl who goes through a tough time and learns something from it. When really it is a vile excuse to watch a pretty blonde being subjected to obscene sequences of torture.
The controversy that surrounded the despicable poster campaign, bringing harsh words from lovable Joss Whedon, shows just how offensive, vile and disgusting Captivity really is, and these people just got this from a poster, not even putting themselves through the punishment of Captivity. As the producers were presumably rubbing their hands and seeing dollar shapes on their eyeballs as the controversy exploded onto the press, it had the opposite effect, only grossing 6 million. That’s less than Catwoman’s overall gross!
Elisha is an actress, (what a stretch for such acting chops!) She has a stalker who eventually decides that just watching her every move in the open is not enough and puts her in... captivity. Elisha is locked in a room surrounded by video cameras (hello, Saw anyone?) whilst we see various shots of the stalker wearing leather gloves whilst sipping a glass of chardonnays (probably masturbating with the other hand off-screen).
Looking at her pretty face isn’t good enough, after re-watching home movies of the killer having sex with his own mother (ooh, mother issues! Someone has been watching Psycho!), this is interspersed with the same scene playing over and over again. Elisha is subjected to some torture (e.g. shoving blended human parts up her nose, burying her in sand) to the point where she nearly dies...oh and then saves her. Repeat. REPEAT. Up until Elisha’s superpower of feminism kicks in and she overcomes the killer. Yay, women are empowered. Only after enduring and hour and a half of overblown lingering torture whilst screaming daintily ‘pleaseee, I’ll do anything!’ Am I supposed to feel glad she makes it out alive? Something wasn’t right as I’ve never emerged from a screening feeling so unclean and so mentally abused.
Apart from being moral free, overtly and gleefully misogynist, for a horror movie, there is nothing frightening about this. There are no moments of shock or terror, just a sickening feeling in your stomach that this is what cinema has been reduced to and classed as mainstream horror.
REVIEW: Hostel Part II
Hostel Part II – 1/10
Another steaming pile of torture porn has been presented by Tarantino, with idiot Eli Roth taking ‘directing’ credits, i.e. the incredibly difficult task of selecting pretty girls, lining them up, stripping them down and hacking them up.
Seemingly unaware of the events of the first film, 3 girls (ooh, because it was boys last time!) decide to be lead by vixen Axelle to a torture camp, promising good times and thrills, forgetting to mention that the girls won’t be having a good time, but the businessmen with a fetish for hacked up limbs of women dressed in slut wear sure will! Bidding furiously via an eBay auction site, a new more efficient way of selecting victims to be (with free delivery!), the girls find themselves tied to chairs, hanged upside down and with bags over their heads.
Obviously it is screamingly sexist, however, this has obviously been an anticipated reaction, so Roth has kindly allowed a woman sadist to join in the fun (see, women are just as sick as men!) oh but wait, she has to be naked and touch herself as well, whilst the men are dressed fully in armour. The odd man gets his privates chopped off, however, only in a quick chop scene, their bodies are not lingered upon in a gratuitous manner. Unlike a 6 minute erotically charged torture blood bath with screaming orgasms from the killers.
Nothing is scary; nothing is particularly shocking; it is just stupid and exists purely for people who get off on this stuff. With it failing miserably at the box office hopefully this will be the last of the Hostel series, Roth is too busy ‘acting’ with Tarantino who is directing. Take note Roth, Tarantino is a director, you’re not, you’re really not. The local butchers is hiring if you enjoy hacking up stuff so much and I’m sure they’ll let you watch some pornos in the back on your lunch break.
Another steaming pile of torture porn has been presented by Tarantino, with idiot Eli Roth taking ‘directing’ credits, i.e. the incredibly difficult task of selecting pretty girls, lining them up, stripping them down and hacking them up.
Seemingly unaware of the events of the first film, 3 girls (ooh, because it was boys last time!) decide to be lead by vixen Axelle to a torture camp, promising good times and thrills, forgetting to mention that the girls won’t be having a good time, but the businessmen with a fetish for hacked up limbs of women dressed in slut wear sure will! Bidding furiously via an eBay auction site, a new more efficient way of selecting victims to be (with free delivery!), the girls find themselves tied to chairs, hanged upside down and with bags over their heads.
Obviously it is screamingly sexist, however, this has obviously been an anticipated reaction, so Roth has kindly allowed a woman sadist to join in the fun (see, women are just as sick as men!) oh but wait, she has to be naked and touch herself as well, whilst the men are dressed fully in armour. The odd man gets his privates chopped off, however, only in a quick chop scene, their bodies are not lingered upon in a gratuitous manner. Unlike a 6 minute erotically charged torture blood bath with screaming orgasms from the killers.
Nothing is scary; nothing is particularly shocking; it is just stupid and exists purely for people who get off on this stuff. With it failing miserably at the box office hopefully this will be the last of the Hostel series, Roth is too busy ‘acting’ with Tarantino who is directing. Take note Roth, Tarantino is a director, you’re not, you’re really not. The local butchers is hiring if you enjoy hacking up stuff so much and I’m sure they’ll let you watch some pornos in the back on your lunch break.
REVIEW: Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers – 3/10
Low budget horror film- presented by Francis Ford Coppola. The guy behind the Godfather. The Godfather people! It’s got to be good if Coppola has got his seal of approval. Oh wait, Coppola was also behind Jack. Jack, the one where Robin Williams is a 10 year old boy with a growth defect. Oh well, no one will remember that and hopefully people will not see the ‘presents’ and assume we mean directed. Well it isn’t and you can tell Coppola isn’t behind this mess.
Beautiful Gina Gershon and not so beautiful Justin Long are brother and sister are going on some car journey; however, some faceless creep is chasing them. Trouble is a brewing every time a certain creepy song plays on the stereo (Jeepers Creepers), what is this creep after? Obviously influenced by Spielberg’s Duel, this slow building horror shows great potential. A genuinely affecting opening 30 minutes, littered with boo moments, disturbing imagery and slow burning tension quickly descends into chaos as the story doesn’t know what to do with itself to keep itself inventive and twists are revealed, leaving a tangled web of mess muddled with horror clichés - Old lady with cats. Cops who don’t believe the teens ‘oh let’s take the long way back in the dark and not listen to your warnings’. Female sacrifice. Old local loony who really knows what is going on. You get the idea.
After the thing happens, Jeepers Creepers becomes a laugh riot, the creep that is after the brother and sister is not frightening and borderline ludicrous. Still, kudos for the song choice and a greatly dark and twisted ending, that nearly redeems itself, however, still doesn’t. It is such a shame as the opening is so strong, one expected better.
Low budget horror film- presented by Francis Ford Coppola. The guy behind the Godfather. The Godfather people! It’s got to be good if Coppola has got his seal of approval. Oh wait, Coppola was also behind Jack. Jack, the one where Robin Williams is a 10 year old boy with a growth defect. Oh well, no one will remember that and hopefully people will not see the ‘presents’ and assume we mean directed. Well it isn’t and you can tell Coppola isn’t behind this mess.
Beautiful Gina Gershon and not so beautiful Justin Long are brother and sister are going on some car journey; however, some faceless creep is chasing them. Trouble is a brewing every time a certain creepy song plays on the stereo (Jeepers Creepers), what is this creep after? Obviously influenced by Spielberg’s Duel, this slow building horror shows great potential. A genuinely affecting opening 30 minutes, littered with boo moments, disturbing imagery and slow burning tension quickly descends into chaos as the story doesn’t know what to do with itself to keep itself inventive and twists are revealed, leaving a tangled web of mess muddled with horror clichés - Old lady with cats. Cops who don’t believe the teens ‘oh let’s take the long way back in the dark and not listen to your warnings’. Female sacrifice. Old local loony who really knows what is going on. You get the idea.
After the thing happens, Jeepers Creepers becomes a laugh riot, the creep that is after the brother and sister is not frightening and borderline ludicrous. Still, kudos for the song choice and a greatly dark and twisted ending, that nearly redeems itself, however, still doesn’t. It is such a shame as the opening is so strong, one expected better.
REVIEW: Miss Congeniality
Miss Congeniality 4/10
A room full of male police officers and one female officer (Sandra Bullock) all scratch their heads wondering who on earth they can send undercover at a beauty pageant, to pose as a contestant? Who? The woman? No way, she is so unglamorous under all that un-brushed hair, slightly baggy clothing and un-plucked eyebrows. Oh no, no one else is female on staff? She’ll have to do. Oh how convenient, underneath all that hair is actually super hot Sandra Bullock with a size 6 body. Despite stuffing her face with donuts and guzzling beer (off screen), Sandra manages to maintain a trim figure, so she looks completely in place at the pageant.
A plot bringing My Fair Lady/Cinderella to life, grooming a woman to be proper. She only snags the guy as he realises that she is a piece of hot stuff.
This is simply light throwaway fluff, relatively entertaining with a charming Sandra Bullock, just ridiculous and offensive in places.
A room full of male police officers and one female officer (Sandra Bullock) all scratch their heads wondering who on earth they can send undercover at a beauty pageant, to pose as a contestant? Who? The woman? No way, she is so unglamorous under all that un-brushed hair, slightly baggy clothing and un-plucked eyebrows. Oh no, no one else is female on staff? She’ll have to do. Oh how convenient, underneath all that hair is actually super hot Sandra Bullock with a size 6 body. Despite stuffing her face with donuts and guzzling beer (off screen), Sandra manages to maintain a trim figure, so she looks completely in place at the pageant.
A plot bringing My Fair Lady/Cinderella to life, grooming a woman to be proper. She only snags the guy as he realises that she is a piece of hot stuff.
This is simply light throwaway fluff, relatively entertaining with a charming Sandra Bullock, just ridiculous and offensive in places.
REVIEW: Saw
Saw – 5/10
Ah, the film that started the most financially successful horror series of all time. The title refers to the premise revolving around the predicament of hacking off your own foot to save your life. As subsequent films forget this entirely and focus entirely on making the audiences feel sick and putting them through an endurance test of stomach churning vomit inducing scenes of human mutilation and drawn out sequences of torture, the original film is unbelievably tame and completely different to the mess that followed.
Adam and Dr Gordon awaken in a derelict bathroom, chained at the feet. Unaware of who their captor is, they decipher through cryptic clues as to how to escape their terrifying circumstances whilst it becomes apparent that the kidnapper has been behind some of the most baffling and violent murders that the police have had to deal with in the past year.
Saw is simply adequate. It is competently made and relatively tense for a low budget horror film. The performances are poor across the board, with the exception of Michael Emerson (Lost’s villain Ben). The twist is good and unexpected, accompanied by a celebratory victorious score, as if proudly showing off how clever it is. However, this does not override the hammy acting, plot holes and poor effects.
The most famous aspects of Saw are the traps. Here we are introduced to ‘reverse bear trap on the head’, ‘barb wire maze’ and of course, chained at the feet with only a hack saw to accompany one’s escape. Apart from the latter, these traps are all revealed through a series of S7en ripped off flashbacks. The low budget is apparent here as the traps are not overly lingered upon as they are in later films and the torture was not focused upon as a selling point. It is patronising to think that the Saw films have anything else beyond torture and gore, by showing the victims that life is worth living, they should stop wasting life and they have to provide they want to live by sacrificing a part or most of their body which is supposed to be symbolic of the crime. However, I fail to see the symbolic significance of losing your foot when your crime is adultery. Or a reverse bear trap on a heroin addict. That is ultimately my problem, the film pretends to be cleverer than it clearly is and pretends to preach the significance and importance of the violence when it is just an excuse for gore hounds.
The violence of course escalates per film, so if you wish to try them, it is better to start at the beginning to test yourself and your patience. There is more of a plot and more coherence in this film than others. Good news alert, Paranormal Activity beat Saw 6 at the Box Office, perhaps the end is nigh for the franchise? (I’m still guessing no, but one can hope)
Ah, the film that started the most financially successful horror series of all time. The title refers to the premise revolving around the predicament of hacking off your own foot to save your life. As subsequent films forget this entirely and focus entirely on making the audiences feel sick and putting them through an endurance test of stomach churning vomit inducing scenes of human mutilation and drawn out sequences of torture, the original film is unbelievably tame and completely different to the mess that followed.
Adam and Dr Gordon awaken in a derelict bathroom, chained at the feet. Unaware of who their captor is, they decipher through cryptic clues as to how to escape their terrifying circumstances whilst it becomes apparent that the kidnapper has been behind some of the most baffling and violent murders that the police have had to deal with in the past year.
Saw is simply adequate. It is competently made and relatively tense for a low budget horror film. The performances are poor across the board, with the exception of Michael Emerson (Lost’s villain Ben). The twist is good and unexpected, accompanied by a celebratory victorious score, as if proudly showing off how clever it is. However, this does not override the hammy acting, plot holes and poor effects.
The most famous aspects of Saw are the traps. Here we are introduced to ‘reverse bear trap on the head’, ‘barb wire maze’ and of course, chained at the feet with only a hack saw to accompany one’s escape. Apart from the latter, these traps are all revealed through a series of S7en ripped off flashbacks. The low budget is apparent here as the traps are not overly lingered upon as they are in later films and the torture was not focused upon as a selling point. It is patronising to think that the Saw films have anything else beyond torture and gore, by showing the victims that life is worth living, they should stop wasting life and they have to provide they want to live by sacrificing a part or most of their body which is supposed to be symbolic of the crime. However, I fail to see the symbolic significance of losing your foot when your crime is adultery. Or a reverse bear trap on a heroin addict. That is ultimately my problem, the film pretends to be cleverer than it clearly is and pretends to preach the significance and importance of the violence when it is just an excuse for gore hounds.
The violence of course escalates per film, so if you wish to try them, it is better to start at the beginning to test yourself and your patience. There is more of a plot and more coherence in this film than others. Good news alert, Paranormal Activity beat Saw 6 at the Box Office, perhaps the end is nigh for the franchise? (I’m still guessing no, but one can hope)
REVIEW: The Grudge
The Grudge 2/10
‘They say that when someone dies in a powerful rage. A curse is made.’
Not only is the tagline to The Grudge grammatically incorrect, it really is not true. The Ring started the trend of Hollywood remaking genuinely creepy Japanese horror movies to squeeze a few pennies and because they were running out of ideas, this being illustrated by the fact in 2009, having remade all Japanese horror films, they are now ‘reimagining’ every American horror film.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, freshly de-buffyfied, is the blonde damsel in distress. She does a relatively good job at looking scared and making sure her breathing is quite heavy when required to imply tension.
Set in Japan, at the same sets as the original film, with the same director on board – oh, but there’s a famous English speaking woman, therefore, there is a difference!
Future victim walks around the house looking puzzled. After about 10 minutes, either a meowing boy or a groaning woman will pop out and presumably make ghost meat out of them. Repeat until the finale which makes no sense and is slightly ambiguous to imply a sequel! If bill Pullman commits suicide within 2 minutes of the film starting, you know it is going to be bad if Bill opted to off himself before uttering a single line and subjecting himself to this pile of rubbish.
The film boasts it contains ‘strong psychological terror’. Big words. Hmm, I can see how a boy ghost meowing and a woman ghost burping may be psychologically terrifying, but it hardly warrants a warning in an attempt to wheel in an audience. It even has the cheek to rip off The Ring in a ‘video tape sequence with a girl with long hair over face’ Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Ultimately The Grudge is not terrifying enough, if at all. As illustrated, the same scene is repeated and has the same conclusion. I recommend re-watching The Ring , or Buffy. Not this. If it is not good enough for Bill Pullman, it isn’t good enough for me.
‘They say that when someone dies in a powerful rage. A curse is made.’
Not only is the tagline to The Grudge grammatically incorrect, it really is not true. The Ring started the trend of Hollywood remaking genuinely creepy Japanese horror movies to squeeze a few pennies and because they were running out of ideas, this being illustrated by the fact in 2009, having remade all Japanese horror films, they are now ‘reimagining’ every American horror film.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, freshly de-buffyfied, is the blonde damsel in distress. She does a relatively good job at looking scared and making sure her breathing is quite heavy when required to imply tension.
Set in Japan, at the same sets as the original film, with the same director on board – oh, but there’s a famous English speaking woman, therefore, there is a difference!
Future victim walks around the house looking puzzled. After about 10 minutes, either a meowing boy or a groaning woman will pop out and presumably make ghost meat out of them. Repeat until the finale which makes no sense and is slightly ambiguous to imply a sequel! If bill Pullman commits suicide within 2 minutes of the film starting, you know it is going to be bad if Bill opted to off himself before uttering a single line and subjecting himself to this pile of rubbish.
The film boasts it contains ‘strong psychological terror’. Big words. Hmm, I can see how a boy ghost meowing and a woman ghost burping may be psychologically terrifying, but it hardly warrants a warning in an attempt to wheel in an audience. It even has the cheek to rip off The Ring in a ‘video tape sequence with a girl with long hair over face’ Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Ultimately The Grudge is not terrifying enough, if at all. As illustrated, the same scene is repeated and has the same conclusion. I recommend re-watching The Ring , or Buffy. Not this. If it is not good enough for Bill Pullman, it isn’t good enough for me.
Worst of the decade
Captivity - Oh dear, this wins by a mile. Worst experience I have ever had watching a film. Completely disgusting, misogynist, insane and not a teeny bit scary, it is simply an endurance test. Not only the worst of the decade, but worst film I have EVER seen (review to follow)
Hostel Part II - this is like Citizen Kane in comparison to Captivity, but bloody hell, it is TERRIBLE (again review to follow). I particuarly like the scene below, oooh look how poetic and eery this film is. It isn't, it's a steaming pile of self indulgent crap for Eli Roth.
Knowing - see below for full feelings - absolutely atrocious.
Prince Caspian - marginally worse than the dire original; how can a film with less Aslan still manage to be bad?
Narnia - dire dire dire, a real struggle to get through it.
The strangers - arrghhhh, I had high hopes from the eerie trailer, but NOTHING scary happens (review to follow)
Mummy 3 - overlong, boring, tedious cheesy garbage
The Notebook - what can be said that hasnt been? overrated spine chilling 'romance', I actually cannot believe these two became a couple in real life as they share zero chemistry.
A good year - Russell Crowe 'Ohhh I think I'll try comedy, I think I'll be good at that!' agent 'errr, Russelll...' 'SHUT UP, I AM RUSSELL CROWE, PHONE IN HEAD FOR YOU!!'. Agent was right incidently, Russell is not a natural comic (surprisingly)
The black dahlia - ooohh, let's do a film noir and reinvent the tired genre. FAIL. Josh Hartnett has even less charisma than Nic Cage and Hilary Swank is better playing boys instead of femme fatales.
Date Movie - evil, disgusting, laugh free, what is Alison Hannigan doing? I couldnt decide between the following 2 scenes, so just watch. The creators of Norbit must have thought clip 1 was hilarious and decided to make a movie around dancing fat women.
Deception - twist free!
2012 - AWFUL - review to follow
Casanova - What a shame, Heath looks bored, it must have been filmed after Brokeback and he was nackered. Laugh free and the two leads have no chemistry. The director injected magic into a film about Chocolate, it couldnt have been too difficult to make the life of Casanova semi interesting?!
The Happening - ooooh, it is terrible, but there is something enjoyable about it as it is HILARIOUSLY bad.
American Wedding - This was just the Stifler show, Sean William Scott is in every scene, what a shame he isnt funny.
Bewitched - terrible, very difficult to get through.
How the Grinch stole Christmas - painful, shame on you Ron Howard!
Hulk - borrrrrinnnggggg
I'll always know what you did last summer - well it was obviously going to be shit, but such a cop out revelaing the killer is the reanimated corpse of the previous two films!
The Grudge - meoww, burrp, repeat. (Review to follow)
Troy - pouty Brad, weak Orlando, Eric killed too early on, Lack of Sean Bean - EPIC DISASTER
Scary Movie 2 - disgusting, I'm a secret fan of the first film, but this is just awful.
Something's gotta give - oh Nancy Meyers, what is with overbloated, overlong romantic comedies? Why would anyone pick Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves??
Pearl Harbor - It is painful, but HILARIOUS. Ben is ridiculously hammy.
Hostel Part II - this is like Citizen Kane in comparison to Captivity, but bloody hell, it is TERRIBLE (again review to follow). I particuarly like the scene below, oooh look how poetic and eery this film is. It isn't, it's a steaming pile of self indulgent crap for Eli Roth.
Knowing - see below for full feelings - absolutely atrocious.
Prince Caspian - marginally worse than the dire original; how can a film with less Aslan still manage to be bad?
Narnia - dire dire dire, a real struggle to get through it.
The strangers - arrghhhh, I had high hopes from the eerie trailer, but NOTHING scary happens (review to follow)
Mummy 3 - overlong, boring, tedious cheesy garbage
The Notebook - what can be said that hasnt been? overrated spine chilling 'romance', I actually cannot believe these two became a couple in real life as they share zero chemistry.
A good year - Russell Crowe 'Ohhh I think I'll try comedy, I think I'll be good at that!' agent 'errr, Russelll...' 'SHUT UP, I AM RUSSELL CROWE, PHONE IN HEAD FOR YOU!!'. Agent was right incidently, Russell is not a natural comic (surprisingly)
The black dahlia - ooohh, let's do a film noir and reinvent the tired genre. FAIL. Josh Hartnett has even less charisma than Nic Cage and Hilary Swank is better playing boys instead of femme fatales.
Date Movie - evil, disgusting, laugh free, what is Alison Hannigan doing? I couldnt decide between the following 2 scenes, so just watch. The creators of Norbit must have thought clip 1 was hilarious and decided to make a movie around dancing fat women.
Deception - twist free!
2012 - AWFUL - review to follow
Casanova - What a shame, Heath looks bored, it must have been filmed after Brokeback and he was nackered. Laugh free and the two leads have no chemistry. The director injected magic into a film about Chocolate, it couldnt have been too difficult to make the life of Casanova semi interesting?!
The Happening - ooooh, it is terrible, but there is something enjoyable about it as it is HILARIOUSLY bad.
American Wedding - This was just the Stifler show, Sean William Scott is in every scene, what a shame he isnt funny.
Bewitched - terrible, very difficult to get through.
How the Grinch stole Christmas - painful, shame on you Ron Howard!
Hulk - borrrrrinnnggggg
I'll always know what you did last summer - well it was obviously going to be shit, but such a cop out revelaing the killer is the reanimated corpse of the previous two films!
The Grudge - meoww, burrp, repeat. (Review to follow)
Troy - pouty Brad, weak Orlando, Eric killed too early on, Lack of Sean Bean - EPIC DISASTER
Scary Movie 2 - disgusting, I'm a secret fan of the first film, but this is just awful.
Something's gotta give - oh Nancy Meyers, what is with overbloated, overlong romantic comedies? Why would anyone pick Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves??
Pearl Harbor - It is painful, but HILARIOUS. Ben is ridiculously hammy.
Saturday 2 January 2010
Best of the Decade - Female Performances
Ellen Burstyn - Requiem for a dream - the best performance is again in a Darren Aronofsky film..hmm, he must do something brilliant to his actors.
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel - so tragic, robbed by Jennifer Hudson
Kate Winslet – ESOTSM - delightful, silly hair
Naomi Watts - 21 Grams - better than Charlize Theron in Monster
Holly Hunter - Thirteen
Evan Rachel Wood - Thirteen
Julia Roberts - Erin Brockovich
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain
Kate Winslet - Little Children
Shauna Macdonald - The Descent
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel - so tragic, robbed by Jennifer Hudson
Kate Winslet – ESOTSM - delightful, silly hair
Naomi Watts - 21 Grams - better than Charlize Theron in Monster
Holly Hunter - Thirteen
Evan Rachel Wood - Thirteen
Julia Roberts - Erin Brockovich
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain
Kate Winslet - Little Children
Shauna Macdonald - The Descent
Best Moments of the Decade
The Dark Knight - Joker - He steals every scene he is in, there are so many good moments to choose from that is why I have just put 'Joker', but here is a clip that actually works!
Sunshine - Capa's Jump - Beautiful
Monster's Ball - Surprise exit - SHOCK Don't watch if you plan on seeing the movie
Mystic River - Is my daughter in there? - Amazing acting, powerful scene
Moulin Rouge! - Your Song - Aww, Ewan Singing, need any more explanation?
Moulin Rouge - Roxanne - gripping
POTC -Jack's Entrance - best entrance ever?
Brokeback Mountain - Flashback - I wish I knew how to quit you etc. it has been parodied to death, but the original scene is really gut wrenching.
Shrek 2 - Holding out for a hero - great chase scene that references Blazing Saddles, E.T. and Ghostbusters in about a minute, pretty impressive, Puss in Boots also very amusing
Little Miss Sunshine - not the dance, but when they finally arrive at the pageant! It's another great 'chase' scene with camp Steve Carrell running and the door falling off is the icing on the cake
Sunshine - Capa's Jump - Beautiful
Monster's Ball - Surprise exit - SHOCK Don't watch if you plan on seeing the movie
Mystic River - Is my daughter in there? - Amazing acting, powerful scene
Moulin Rouge! - Your Song - Aww, Ewan Singing, need any more explanation?
Moulin Rouge - Roxanne - gripping
POTC -Jack's Entrance - best entrance ever?
Brokeback Mountain - Flashback - I wish I knew how to quit you etc. it has been parodied to death, but the original scene is really gut wrenching.
Shrek 2 - Holding out for a hero - great chase scene that references Blazing Saddles, E.T. and Ghostbusters in about a minute, pretty impressive, Puss in Boots also very amusing
Little Miss Sunshine - not the dance, but when they finally arrive at the pageant! It's another great 'chase' scene with camp Steve Carrell running and the door falling off is the icing on the cake
Best of the Decade: Male Performances
Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler - the best performance I have ever seen, him losing to Sean Penn for Milk this year was one of the worst things to EVER happen! Below are my favourite award speechs from award bodies who got it right, oh and his appearance in The Pledge, which I think is really good!
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight - mad as a hatter, a close second.
Joaquin Phoenx - Gladiator - before Letterman and the beard happened, Joaquin was brilliant. He stole the show from Russell in this.
Heath Ledger - Brokeback Mountain - He is amazing, the only actor to appear twice on this list! He was only 24 when he did this.
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children - brilliant creep, his brilliant performance has meant he got the roles in Watchmen and as the new Freddy Kreuger, which I am only interested in seeing because of him.
Javier Bardem - No Country for old men - Call it has been overplayed so I thought I would show you his first appearance.
Sharlto Copley - District 9 - one of the best debut performances of all time? tragic hero.
Jim Broadbent - Iris - he is heartbreaking.
Cillian Murphy - Batman Begins - he is easily the best villain in the original, showing boring Liam Neeson how its done.
Robin Williams - Insomnia - are all my favourite performances creeps? again, another one, but Robin is brilliant, he is a much better framatic actor than a comedian.
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight - mad as a hatter, a close second.
Joaquin Phoenx - Gladiator - before Letterman and the beard happened, Joaquin was brilliant. He stole the show from Russell in this.
Heath Ledger - Brokeback Mountain - He is amazing, the only actor to appear twice on this list! He was only 24 when he did this.
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children - brilliant creep, his brilliant performance has meant he got the roles in Watchmen and as the new Freddy Kreuger, which I am only interested in seeing because of him.
Javier Bardem - No Country for old men - Call it has been overplayed so I thought I would show you his first appearance.
Sharlto Copley - District 9 - one of the best debut performances of all time? tragic hero.
Jim Broadbent - Iris - he is heartbreaking.
Cillian Murphy - Batman Begins - he is easily the best villain in the original, showing boring Liam Neeson how its done.
Robin Williams - Insomnia - are all my favourite performances creeps? again, another one, but Robin is brilliant, he is a much better framatic actor than a comedian.
Funniest Moments of the Decade
Charlie factory: elevator - I WEPT
Moulin rouge: like a virgin - no clip unfortunately, but I assume you know it well (Ewan, camera 3!)
Team America: fight
Zoolander: Walk Off - Well I can't find that scene! So heres a scene thats NEARLY as good
Goldmember: fight in bag (1st of 3 Goldmember selections, whoops)
Not another teen movie: Sean Patrick Thomas cameo
Scary movie 3 – spinning scene, skip a bit into the clip, the rest is poor
Little Miss Sunshine – escape pageant - arrgh, no footage, it is brilliant, Steve Carrell and Paul Dano go into the pageant and immediately leave. Tiny moment but laugh out loud hilarious
Shaun of the dead: don’t stop me now - done to death I know, but still classic
Tropic Thunder – tom dances - he's better than RDJ, so grotesque!!
I Heart Huckabees – Mark Whalberg - every line he delivers is hilarious, come back Mark!!
Team American – secret signal
Goldmember – opening - back flips are a highlight
Goldmember – mole - I'm gonna chop it up and make some guacMOLEE
Shaun of the dead – not present on youtube; do you see them? no...oh wait there they are (puts head slightly to the left)...I think it's more of a 'see' than 'describe' hilarity
Wallace and Gromit – a bullet? a bullet? a bullet?
Spiderman 3: emo walk
Tropic thunder: simple jack
Bridget Jones: the fight between Darcy and Cleaver, very funny and very non existent
Mamma mia: Colin firth coming out as gay
Spiderman 3 - How's the pie?
Moulin rouge: like a virgin - no clip unfortunately, but I assume you know it well (Ewan, camera 3!)
Team America: fight
Zoolander: Walk Off - Well I can't find that scene! So heres a scene thats NEARLY as good
Goldmember: fight in bag (1st of 3 Goldmember selections, whoops)
Not another teen movie: Sean Patrick Thomas cameo
Scary movie 3 – spinning scene, skip a bit into the clip, the rest is poor
Little Miss Sunshine – escape pageant - arrgh, no footage, it is brilliant, Steve Carrell and Paul Dano go into the pageant and immediately leave. Tiny moment but laugh out loud hilarious
Shaun of the dead: don’t stop me now - done to death I know, but still classic
Tropic Thunder – tom dances - he's better than RDJ, so grotesque!!
I Heart Huckabees – Mark Whalberg - every line he delivers is hilarious, come back Mark!!
Team American – secret signal
Goldmember – opening - back flips are a highlight
Goldmember – mole - I'm gonna chop it up and make some guacMOLEE
Shaun of the dead – not present on youtube; do you see them? no...oh wait there they are (puts head slightly to the left)...I think it's more of a 'see' than 'describe' hilarity
Wallace and Gromit – a bullet? a bullet? a bullet?
Spiderman 3: emo walk
Tropic thunder: simple jack
Bridget Jones: the fight between Darcy and Cleaver, very funny and very non existent
Mamma mia: Colin firth coming out as gay
Spiderman 3 - How's the pie?
Best deaths of the decade
American psycho - Paul Allen - Brilliant, my favourite part of the film, hilarious.
American Psycho
Jason | MySpace Video
Sunshine - Kaneda - brilliant soundtrack!
King Kong - Lumpy the Chef - so OTT and gross!
Sunshine - Mace - sigh, the best character
FOTR - Gandalf - very moving (even though he technically doesnt die)
POTC2 - Jack - again, not a real death, but he goes out Sparrow style
Blood Diamond - Random evil - Djimon Honsou certainly gets the enraged scream award
There will be blood - Eli - certainl inventive
The Departed - Leo - huge shock!
Final destination 3 - Gym dude - hilariously bad
American Psycho
Jason | MySpace Video
Sunshine - Kaneda - brilliant soundtrack!
King Kong - Lumpy the Chef - so OTT and gross!
Sunshine - Mace - sigh, the best character
FOTR - Gandalf - very moving (even though he technically doesnt die)
POTC2 - Jack - again, not a real death, but he goes out Sparrow style
Blood Diamond - Random evil - Djimon Honsou certainly gets the enraged scream award
There will be blood - Eli - certainl inventive
The Departed - Leo - huge shock!
Final destination 3 - Gym dude - hilariously bad
Endings of the decade - spoilers OBV
The Mist - jaw dropping, don't watch unless you're sure you will never watch the movie!
The Wrestler - another weepie!! Poor Ram.
United 93 - tears galore, haunting.
Lost in translation - makes me cry, lovely ending.
The Descent - can't put the video on here, but the ending can be found here: it is so haunting and bleak, easily the best part of the film. The Americans had to have a different 'happy' ending as this was too much, haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jf_-vwIrsQ&feature=PlayList&p=3926F20CD28CB551&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=10
Batman Begins - oooh, spine tingling moment! Sets up TDK brilliantly
Final destination - very amusing ending to a HORRIBLE movie
Peterpan - And I never saw Peter Pan again......CRYY
Drag me to hell - great slap in the face
The lake house - poor film, but nice ending, these two share so much chemistry, seems ridiculous to have them apart for the whole movie
Slumdog millionaire - I'm on about the dance on the credits, does that count?
The life of David Gale - twist may be easy to see coming, but still spin tingling. Not bad for a completely adequate movie.
Hard Candy - nice twist
POTC - tee hee
ESOTSM - ending is non existent, so here's a nice scene
The Wrestler - another weepie!! Poor Ram.
United 93 - tears galore, haunting.
Lost in translation - makes me cry, lovely ending.
The Descent - can't put the video on here, but the ending can be found here: it is so haunting and bleak, easily the best part of the film. The Americans had to have a different 'happy' ending as this was too much, haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jf_-vwIrsQ&feature=PlayList&p=3926F20CD28CB551&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=10
Batman Begins - oooh, spine tingling moment! Sets up TDK brilliantly
Final destination - very amusing ending to a HORRIBLE movie
Peterpan - And I never saw Peter Pan again......CRYY
Drag me to hell - great slap in the face
The lake house - poor film, but nice ending, these two share so much chemistry, seems ridiculous to have them apart for the whole movie
Slumdog millionaire - I'm on about the dance on the credits, does that count?
The life of David Gale - twist may be easy to see coming, but still spin tingling. Not bad for a completely adequate movie.
Hard Candy - nice twist
POTC - tee hee
ESOTSM - ending is non existent, so here's a nice scene
Saddest moments of the decade
Requiem for a dream: poor Ellyn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuzNohk5cYw
Billy Elliot: DAD!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWtTtXBPW9s
Crash: the cloak
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYHIxZQv7Iw&feature=related
The Wrestler: I'm just a broken down piece of meat
The hours: I got on a bus
Cast away: Wilson!!!!
Finding Nemo – finds Nemo
ROTK: I can carry you
Crash: the crash
Castaway: the love of my life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuzNohk5cYw
Billy Elliot: DAD!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWtTtXBPW9s
Crash: the cloak
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYHIxZQv7Iw&feature=related
The Wrestler: I'm just a broken down piece of meat
The hours: I got on a bus
Cast away: Wilson!!!!
Finding Nemo – finds Nemo
ROTK: I can carry you
Crash: the crash
Castaway: the love of my life
Best of the Decade
Decade:
The wrestler
Ghost world
Brokeback mountain
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Moulin rouge
Little children
The mist
The dark knight
American psycho
Religulous
Erin Brockovich
Return of the king
Sunshine
United 93
The constant gardener
21 grams
Funny games
Gladiator
Mystic River
Requiem for a dream
The wrestler
Ghost world
Brokeback mountain
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Moulin rouge
Little children
The mist
The dark knight
American psycho
Religulous
Erin Brockovich
Return of the king
Sunshine
United 93
The constant gardener
21 grams
Funny games
Gladiator
Mystic River
Requiem for a dream
2009 - best of and worst of
2009
Best:
1) The Wrestler
Brilliant, I cannot fault it. Mickey Rourke delivers the best performance I have ever seen, truly heartbreaking. The movie is sad, well written, true to life, wonderfully acted, very funny in places and has a bittersweet ending and Bruce Springsteen! Perfect length too. Wins this list HANDS DOWN.
2)Religulous
Documentary looking at the ridiculous nature of religion, hence the title. It is HILARIOUS, easily the funniest film of the year and very intelligent.
3) Star Trek
I loved this, I really was not expecting to, I went in a bit like a spoilt teenager. Oh well, the team behind Lost really pulled it off. As a non trekkie, it was a perfect introduction to the interesting world. It didnt take itself too seriously, it kind of reminded me of Firefly/Serenity in that way. Great performances especially from Spock the younger. Not so sure about Eric Bana though.
4) 500 days of summer
Very sweet, and kooky...but in a good way! I know I gave Juno a hard time, but I much prefered this. It didnt obsess with using annoyingly cute dialogue (homskillet) or props (HAMBURGER PHONE) and I think perhaps because Tom was a realistic character and Joseph Gorden Levitt is bursting with charisma and comic timing. A bit iffy about Zoooey deshahahah, but never mind. The script is original, funny and touching. There is no chase scene at the end! A first for a rom com?
5) Drag me to hell
The movie equivelant of a rollercoaster, it is sooo much fun. Sam Raimi really got his act together after Spidey 3. Not being limited to a 12 certificate, Raimi can push the boundaries of horror that Spidey 3 needed for the exploration of the dark side. Drag me to hell is gross, far fetched, silly but great fun. What horror should be, I jumped out of my seat and laughed in equal doses. Brilliant ending.
6) Slumdog Millionaire -
What can I say that hasnt been said? Very enjoyable, brilliant performances, perfect balance of humour and sadness. Lovely seeing the underdog beat the crap out of Benjamin Button at the awards season! Jai Ho!
7) Revolutionary Road - The book is better, but I think this is Mendes return to form after the dull misfires of Road to perdition and Jarhead. Leo and Kate share electrifying chemistry and deliver great performances (especially Kate, better here than in the overrated Reader), even when they HATE each other. Creepy ending, lovely score by good ol' Thomas Newman. Not the best film to see on a first date or after a wedding. It is sad to think that this may have happened if Jack Dawson survived the sinking, oh well, he died so it doesnt matter.
8) District 9 - ahhh, Michael Bay and Roland Emerich, bloody well take note! An action movie with special effeects that horror of horrors does not completely focus on fighting and explosions!! (Michael is drooling as I type this) A brilliant debut performance from Copley, who is the tragic hero Vikus, truly shocking and a great political commentry on race and humanity. Perfect length too. The budget was something ridiculous like a few million yet managed to create brilliant alien creatures without shoving them in our faces every 2 seconds, the film focuses more instead on Vikus and his bodily transformation and his desperate attempts in survival.
9)Moon - Lovely little film, really took me by surprise. It starts off strangely and it really keeps you guessing, I had no idea where it was headed. Nice touch of the Hal ripoff robot with Kevin Spacey's voice.
10) Paranormal Activity - nice to see a horror movie when less is more, I wasnt as scared as I hoped to be, but the atmosphere was intense, the use of sound was incredibly creative and the last 15 minutes certainly made the old palms sweat. I dont like sleeping with my foot out of the bed now though, dooo.
Worst:
I highly doubt these are the worst in the year, I have avoided a lot of films, but alas, I got caught out. I unfortauntely did not catch the applauded Hottie and the nottie, hes just not THAT into you, Marley and Me, Crank 2, Gamer, Dance Flick and of course Transformers etc.
1) Knowing
Jesus Christ this was horrendous. I think this tops the list as I didn't expect it to be THIS bad. Nicholas Cage delivers a shocking performance, he is half asleep with his hand laid out waiting for that saaweet paychecque. Knowing doesnt know what it wants to be - a horror? an action adventure? a philisophical look at life on earth? a sci fi? That's right, it goes all George Lucas on you and a bit of Narnia thrown in.
2) 2012
Arrghhh, awful. Every damn action sequence has the main carboard leads escape the tornado/earthquake/laver by 1 second. EVERY scene. They also appeared to run out of money by the end, the cameras quickly changed to the ones used in Dr Who/Power Rangers. Roland Emerich - nearly as bad as Michael Bay?
3) The Final Destination
I enjoyed the 3D opening credits, they flew right into my face! the entrails on the other hand, hmmm...not scary, just stupid. I'm not a fan of the series, but this rivals the original film in levels of badness. The hairdressing scene crossed the line as did the use of 'it's only a dream! being used TWICE.
4) Bride Wars
How does Kate Hudson get work? This was shocking, and I thought SATC was too materialistic and shallow - it looks like it was produced by the peace hippy nature loving society in comparison to horrible bride wars. Women do not act like this! Also, men also have personalities!!! And why does Candice Bergen get wheeled out to do every chick flick under the sun as 'stern older woman?'
5) Watchmen
Oohh controversial choice. It has a fresh rating on rotten tomatoes, quite well received and I can admire a lot of things about it. However, all of that can't change that when I was in the cinema I was praying for it to end. I was unbelievably bored, disengaged and wondering what the fuss was about. The novelty of the Guy Ritchie sloooooowwwfast! camera work was ridiculous, OTT violence that seemed to be added as an after thought, about 45 minutes too long and the worst sex scene ever perhaps? How can a sex scene involving lovely Patrick Wilson not be enjoyable?? Damn you Zach Snyder. Perhaps if I read the 'graphic novel (i.e. comic book) it might make more sense. I like Jackie Earle Hayley though.
Best:
1) The Wrestler
Brilliant, I cannot fault it. Mickey Rourke delivers the best performance I have ever seen, truly heartbreaking. The movie is sad, well written, true to life, wonderfully acted, very funny in places and has a bittersweet ending and Bruce Springsteen! Perfect length too. Wins this list HANDS DOWN.
2)Religulous
Documentary looking at the ridiculous nature of religion, hence the title. It is HILARIOUS, easily the funniest film of the year and very intelligent.
3) Star Trek
I loved this, I really was not expecting to, I went in a bit like a spoilt teenager. Oh well, the team behind Lost really pulled it off. As a non trekkie, it was a perfect introduction to the interesting world. It didnt take itself too seriously, it kind of reminded me of Firefly/Serenity in that way. Great performances especially from Spock the younger. Not so sure about Eric Bana though.
4) 500 days of summer
Very sweet, and kooky...but in a good way! I know I gave Juno a hard time, but I much prefered this. It didnt obsess with using annoyingly cute dialogue (homskillet) or props (HAMBURGER PHONE) and I think perhaps because Tom was a realistic character and Joseph Gorden Levitt is bursting with charisma and comic timing. A bit iffy about Zoooey deshahahah, but never mind. The script is original, funny and touching. There is no chase scene at the end! A first for a rom com?
5) Drag me to hell
The movie equivelant of a rollercoaster, it is sooo much fun. Sam Raimi really got his act together after Spidey 3. Not being limited to a 12 certificate, Raimi can push the boundaries of horror that Spidey 3 needed for the exploration of the dark side. Drag me to hell is gross, far fetched, silly but great fun. What horror should be, I jumped out of my seat and laughed in equal doses. Brilliant ending.
6) Slumdog Millionaire -
What can I say that hasnt been said? Very enjoyable, brilliant performances, perfect balance of humour and sadness. Lovely seeing the underdog beat the crap out of Benjamin Button at the awards season! Jai Ho!
7) Revolutionary Road - The book is better, but I think this is Mendes return to form after the dull misfires of Road to perdition and Jarhead. Leo and Kate share electrifying chemistry and deliver great performances (especially Kate, better here than in the overrated Reader), even when they HATE each other. Creepy ending, lovely score by good ol' Thomas Newman. Not the best film to see on a first date or after a wedding. It is sad to think that this may have happened if Jack Dawson survived the sinking, oh well, he died so it doesnt matter.
8) District 9 - ahhh, Michael Bay and Roland Emerich, bloody well take note! An action movie with special effeects that horror of horrors does not completely focus on fighting and explosions!! (Michael is drooling as I type this) A brilliant debut performance from Copley, who is the tragic hero Vikus, truly shocking and a great political commentry on race and humanity. Perfect length too. The budget was something ridiculous like a few million yet managed to create brilliant alien creatures without shoving them in our faces every 2 seconds, the film focuses more instead on Vikus and his bodily transformation and his desperate attempts in survival.
9)Moon - Lovely little film, really took me by surprise. It starts off strangely and it really keeps you guessing, I had no idea where it was headed. Nice touch of the Hal ripoff robot with Kevin Spacey's voice.
10) Paranormal Activity - nice to see a horror movie when less is more, I wasnt as scared as I hoped to be, but the atmosphere was intense, the use of sound was incredibly creative and the last 15 minutes certainly made the old palms sweat. I dont like sleeping with my foot out of the bed now though, dooo.
Worst:
I highly doubt these are the worst in the year, I have avoided a lot of films, but alas, I got caught out. I unfortauntely did not catch the applauded Hottie and the nottie, hes just not THAT into you, Marley and Me, Crank 2, Gamer, Dance Flick and of course Transformers etc.
1) Knowing
Jesus Christ this was horrendous. I think this tops the list as I didn't expect it to be THIS bad. Nicholas Cage delivers a shocking performance, he is half asleep with his hand laid out waiting for that saaweet paychecque. Knowing doesnt know what it wants to be - a horror? an action adventure? a philisophical look at life on earth? a sci fi? That's right, it goes all George Lucas on you and a bit of Narnia thrown in.
2) 2012
Arrghhh, awful. Every damn action sequence has the main carboard leads escape the tornado/earthquake/laver by 1 second. EVERY scene. They also appeared to run out of money by the end, the cameras quickly changed to the ones used in Dr Who/Power Rangers. Roland Emerich - nearly as bad as Michael Bay?
3) The Final Destination
I enjoyed the 3D opening credits, they flew right into my face! the entrails on the other hand, hmmm...not scary, just stupid. I'm not a fan of the series, but this rivals the original film in levels of badness. The hairdressing scene crossed the line as did the use of 'it's only a dream! being used TWICE.
4) Bride Wars
How does Kate Hudson get work? This was shocking, and I thought SATC was too materialistic and shallow - it looks like it was produced by the peace hippy nature loving society in comparison to horrible bride wars. Women do not act like this! Also, men also have personalities!!! And why does Candice Bergen get wheeled out to do every chick flick under the sun as 'stern older woman?'
5) Watchmen
Oohh controversial choice. It has a fresh rating on rotten tomatoes, quite well received and I can admire a lot of things about it. However, all of that can't change that when I was in the cinema I was praying for it to end. I was unbelievably bored, disengaged and wondering what the fuss was about. The novelty of the Guy Ritchie sloooooowwwfast! camera work was ridiculous, OTT violence that seemed to be added as an after thought, about 45 minutes too long and the worst sex scene ever perhaps? How can a sex scene involving lovely Patrick Wilson not be enjoyable?? Damn you Zach Snyder. Perhaps if I read the 'graphic novel (i.e. comic book) it might make more sense. I like Jackie Earle Hayley though.
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