Tobin ‘I have cancer me and hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING because of it’ Bell goes ape shit over having a terminal disease and decides the only thing that will make him feel better is devising insane torture devices that sophistically provide a moral lesson to the inflicted and teach them how to live better’ i.e. TORTURE PORN, yay!
Do I dare see Saw 1? – Cary and Adam find themselves in a derelict (my balls!) bathroom with a dead guy in the middle of them and shout corny dialogue at each other for 45 minutes. The obligatory scene of suspecting each other is the killer is present. Cary also talks slowwwlly to show that he is playing an Eeeemeriiccaaan and not the nice English theatre actor he is. What is he doing in this by the way?
BENJAMIN LINUS acts like the killer – even though he obviously isn’t.
To jazz the film up, we see the torture devises through obscure flash backs like in S7en i.e. the budge was too small to show the machines in their glory.
Cary decides enough is enough and has had enough of Adam and his terrible acting. Realising he has made a mistake in making this film, decides to saw his fucking foot off and escape. Cue close up of fake skin like material bleeding as Cary saws the foot off pretty quickly and neatly. Cary then does the worst acting ever committed to celluloid. Think of it as a cross between P-P-p-professor Q-q-quirrel!! and the hand guy off Scary movie 2. There that’s it. He hobbles out with his foot and so totally makes it out.
Adam is now located at the very front of the screen but to the right. Thus having enough room for the twist to happen behind him in the left. 10 seconds later – the twist! The dead guy on the floor was actually the baddie, ‘Alas! It was I!’ as this isn’t interesting enough on its own, we are treated to crazy ass edited flashbacks illustrating how CLEVER the twist is and how exciting this scene is.
The audience leave thinking that the film was OK but the twist was AMAZING.
Do I dare see Saw 2? – Tobin ‘I have the craziest grudge against my cancer’ Bell returns and doesn’t have to act like a dead body for the whole film, however, the result doesn’t look to much different to his performances as a corpse in film 1. He is SO unmenacing omg.
This time the plot revolves around a bunch of teens that have majoraly pissed Bell off. Filmmakers, showing a flash of brilliance, realised that horror movies usually focus upon teenagers. Thus, as Saw is SO original and edgy, they rip off the tried and tested horror movie method!
Bunch of swearing wise ass teens are locked in Bell’s funhouse of terror full of sick twisted machines, I mean, extremely cleverly symbolic attempts at revealing the flaws in their characters.
Donnie ‘hey my brother Mark has done pretty well, why cant I?’ Whalberg is a typical father figure. He loves his son, but cant express his emotions because of that damn masculinity and conflicting schedule so he can’t attend all of little Whalberg’s soccer games/school plays/karate class.
Oh no! The son is kidnapped! I did not see this twist in the tale, me thinks Donnie will have to prove his love to get his son back! Donnie will have to overcome his masculinity and reveal his heart of gold.
Bunch of teens are being recorded in the house. Tobin ‘FUCK YOU CANCER’ Bell is being interviewed by Donnie and generic donut eating cops with the recording in the background. Instead of getting down to business and finding the house and getting the teens out of there, Donnie is predictability seduced in the inevitable endless mind game dialogue scenes as Tobin tries to pretend he’s as clever and Hannibal Lecter. Sigh; get on with it!
Teens decide that the best way forward is of course to fight and swear, split up and pick on the outsider twitchy guy and blame him. Outsider is subsequently punished by being burned alive in a furnace. This is clever because err…once he burned a house down?
Oh, girl from the first film is also there, err this is brought in nonchalantly and not dwelled upon as her presence is unimportant. So, err, next torture scene please!
Shot in face, giant pit of needles, slow poisoning, death mask, crazy ass hand trap thing, which to be fair, she kind of deserved that one.
Even more masculine than Donnie guy of the group goes crazy over getting numbers of the back of people’s necks. He decides the best way of getting these is to KILL THEM ALL instead of asking them to turn around. When he needs his own number, instead of asking someone what it is or I don’t know, finding a fucking mirror, the logical answer is to carve his neck off as the camera stylistically flashes around him, showing the violence in its glory as the cameraman orgasms and the worst excuse for violence in a film ever.
To try and link this to the first film, they find themselves in the set of film 1 and the masculine man is killed by…a saw! The title saw is still relevant and therefore the issues of humanity are still relevant.
Donnie meanwhile FINALLY gets off his lazy ass and sends the cops to the house – but no one is there! But the tape recording clearly shows activity. That’s right, Saw 2’s masterful twist is directly lifted from Speed, even more shockingly, the plan that Keanu Reeves concocts. Dennis Hopper will be furious that he was fooled again.
Donnie finds himself in the bathroom and oh woman from the first film turns out to be working for Tobin ‘ torture machines are good for the cancer riddled soul’ Bell. OMG, did not see happening with the nonchalant passing mention from teen #2 ‘oh yeah, Amanda was in film 1 everybody – next topic please’.
Because the twist was so awesome, flashy cutting montage of flashbacks was not needed.
Do I dare see Saw 3? – Deciding that the popularity of films 1 and 2 were not the well devised plots or developed character but in fact the crazy scenes of torture, the filmmakers decided to completely eliminate the first two and focus entirely on torture machines with a handful of dialogue scenes to string them loosely together and also giving the audience time to wipe up their own vomit after each scene.
Within 16 minutes, we see Donnie ‘I hate my brother Mark’ Whalberg snap his own foot in half while he bitterly thinks about his brother’s recent Oscar nomination and how he is reduced to doing this for money, a guy slowly ripping chains out of his body before his exploded into several pieces and woman’s ribs are ripped out of her body and dangled on a washing line. Scenes that would make Marquis de Sade turn away in disgust. This happened in 16 minutes. 16 minutes (16 minutes oh yeah game on!)
Unfortunately, even though we’d all much prefer to just sit and watch scene after scene of not symbolic at all in fact mindless torture devises blowing off, Hollywood rules do insist at least some attempt of a plot and at least 4 dialogue scenes (Boring, I know) Saw 3 writers give it a good shot though. Tobin ‘thank god I’m nearly dead of my cancer as I’m struggling to think of original trap devises, its getting exhausting’ Bell goes all out and decides to punish a poor couple who have just lost their son and are grieving. HOW DARE THEY? THYE MUST APPRECIATE LIFE!!! WILL HAVE TO PUNISH IN OBSCURE TORTURE DEVICES’
As I have only seen the first 16 minutes I can only assume it all gets worse. One scene has a man and woman in a giant freezer. According to the writers, they were originally going to dress the woman in a t-shirt and pants. This was deemed too sexual and instead of going for jumper and trousers, decided completely naked was fair and not at all sexual. What about the guy? God, keep him clothed! People don’t wanna see that!
Tobin does die. Geoff (who? Who cares?) kills him which then turns into a twist of some sort.
Producers – guys, we really need another Saw next year
Writers: oh shit, we just killed off the killer!
Producers – hmm, just pull a pulp fiction and rip off Quentin. He won’t mind, he loves that type of shit and is ripping off you guys with the hostel movies!
Do I dare see Saw 4? - It begins with Tobin’s autopsy, the most OTT autopsy ever conducted in the history of the universe.
Docter#1 – well Jim, I think it’s a simple throat slash. Case closed
Dcotoer#2 – Hmm, I dunno, I think I better y’know, violently rip open his chest, cover myself in his cold blood and then throw his organs every where whilst laughing and then dry hump his body (ABBE! ABBBEEE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABBE!!!!!)
TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS
Twist = all of this happened at the same time as Saw 3! The autopsy scene was in fact the last scene! Isn’t that clever! Not at all a terrible attempt in including Tobin Bell.
Writers – phew, thank god we got away with that one. Now I’m gonna try and write that holocaust, gay crippled old man piece.
Producers – err guys, Saw 5 is needed.
Writers – but the story! It’s ended!
Producers- you can’t argue with the box office figures fellas. Get your asses writing something so gory that I’ll need an exorcist to cleanse the script.
Writers – sigh, we just got away with the last twist…do you think anyone will notice if we use it again?
Producers – I think you overestimate the intelligence of our target audience. Just use the same twist and change the traps! It’s a sure fire hit!
Do I dare see saw 5? - Traps, blood, I hate cancer, autopsy orgasm number 10, action, lost love, morality lecturing, ice blocks crush face, pull teeth out, dialogue scenes are so boring I’ll just do another trap, electrocute self, twist happens.
Audience – wow shit man! That end was so cool! These movies are so awesome and the violence is like so clever man, it has like, meaning. Those critics don’t understand the kids and what we want.
Rest of the world – I wish these films would stop and go away.
Marketing team – how about we use the misleading tag line ‘you’ll never guess how it ends!’ the twist is, it doesn’t!
Producers – that’s right boys, Saw 6 will be needed. We’ll need that twist again so we can legitimises Tobin ‘I just want to retire now and stop doing this shit ‘Bell’s presence!
Do I dare see Saw 6? - I dare, I just don't want to.
Sunday 25 January 2009
The Holiday
Love love love love – see even someone like Jack Black can be loved!
Kate wants to be loved
Cameron is NEUROTIC and dumps her unattractive boyfriend. She plays the same character she has ever played, ever.
Cameron can’t cry. This is made a big point of. Me thinks she will learn to cry by the end?
Kate and Cameron despite never meeting or talking, assume that both are attractive trustworthy women with wonderful houses and exchange everything. The website even has an msn software built into it, to make the arrangements be made very fast to get the plot going – wait, plot?
Kate jumps around like an idiot trying to be funny e.g. doing air guitar when she wakes up in the morning, who the FUCK does that
Kate isn’t funny at all
As the attention is on Cameron, they don’t have time for a Kate romance storyline, so she just spends her time following around an old quack. This is both boring and frightening to watch.
Jack Black pops up now and again looking diseased and also EXTREMELY uncomfortable ‘must…not…do…outrageous…comedy’.
Kate fake laughs at everything he does – see; funny fat guys need love too!
Cameron meanwhile falls for heart of gold Jude Law – he cries! He has children! He’s English! You can see Jude Law looking EXTREMELY uncomfortable playing such a nice sweetheart ‘must…not…be…a slime ball- must win Sienna back’
His kids incidentally are something between the exorcist/shining representations of children. They are FRIGHTENING. I never want to have children.
Jack and Kate somehow get together, despite not saying I like you, holding hands or even one kiss – they just kind of fall together at the end.
This is probably for the best – no one wants to see Jack eat Kate’s face off.
Jack therefore eats himself
Kate wants to be loved
Cameron is NEUROTIC and dumps her unattractive boyfriend. She plays the same character she has ever played, ever.
Cameron can’t cry. This is made a big point of. Me thinks she will learn to cry by the end?
Kate and Cameron despite never meeting or talking, assume that both are attractive trustworthy women with wonderful houses and exchange everything. The website even has an msn software built into it, to make the arrangements be made very fast to get the plot going – wait, plot?
Kate jumps around like an idiot trying to be funny e.g. doing air guitar when she wakes up in the morning, who the FUCK does that
Kate isn’t funny at all
As the attention is on Cameron, they don’t have time for a Kate romance storyline, so she just spends her time following around an old quack. This is both boring and frightening to watch.
Jack Black pops up now and again looking diseased and also EXTREMELY uncomfortable ‘must…not…do…outrageous…comedy’.
Kate fake laughs at everything he does – see; funny fat guys need love too!
Cameron meanwhile falls for heart of gold Jude Law – he cries! He has children! He’s English! You can see Jude Law looking EXTREMELY uncomfortable playing such a nice sweetheart ‘must…not…be…a slime ball- must win Sienna back’
His kids incidentally are something between the exorcist/shining representations of children. They are FRIGHTENING. I never want to have children.
Jack and Kate somehow get together, despite not saying I like you, holding hands or even one kiss – they just kind of fall together at the end.
This is probably for the best – no one wants to see Jack eat Kate’s face off.
Jack therefore eats himself
A Walk to remember
Rebel guy is so rebellious
Christian girl is so Christian.
Rebellious guy needs a tutor.
Christian girl ‘ Ok, I’ll tutor you, but you have to promise that you wont fall in love with me’
Rebel – ‘Chuh, don’t worry, that wont happen!’
Pause
Rebel – ‘I’m in love with you!’
We are supposed to buy that rebellious 17 year old is in chaste love with boring Christian girl.
Luckily, he escapes his boring sex free existence as the film turns into a channel 5 soap opera and she has leukaemia. She dies.
‘Love is like the wind. You can’t always see it, but you can always feel it’.
I didn’t make that line up.
Christian girl is so Christian.
Rebellious guy needs a tutor.
Christian girl ‘ Ok, I’ll tutor you, but you have to promise that you wont fall in love with me’
Rebel – ‘Chuh, don’t worry, that wont happen!’
Pause
Rebel – ‘I’m in love with you!’
We are supposed to buy that rebellious 17 year old is in chaste love with boring Christian girl.
Luckily, he escapes his boring sex free existence as the film turns into a channel 5 soap opera and she has leukaemia. She dies.
‘Love is like the wind. You can’t always see it, but you can always feel it’.
I didn’t make that line up.
Charlie and the chocolate factory
Narrated by Christopher Lee, who never, EVER, turns a role down.
Charlie is so poor, poor but good, poor poor. Helen Bonham Carter plays his mother because she is a versatile actress, not because she is Tim Burton’s wife.
The only bit of light in Charlie’s life is his obsession with the Chocolate factory and Willy Wonka – he even builds a model of it using toothpaste caps.
Grandpa ‘Oh you know, I used to work there’
Charlie – ‘WHAT???? You just thought you’d mention it now!!!! Even though I am obviously really obsessed with the factory and we’d have common interest and it obviously took me MONTHS to build that model out of fucking toothpaste caps and you just fleetingly mention this incredible fact now???? What were you thinking!!’
Just before Charlie organises the giant bed and the grandparents to be shipped off into a nursing home where they belong, it is announced coincidentally that tickets for a tour of the factory are on sale.
Fat Augustus and greedy Veruca get their tickets. Now its Charlie’s turn! Oh wait, Charlie can’t be third, he has to be LAST to show he is important. We are treated to a scene where he obviously won’t find the ticket.
Violet and Mike Teevee get theirs and finally Charlie is allowed his.
The film delays Wonka’s entrance about 20 more times before we see him and mistake him for Michael Jackson.
A little man enters the scene
What is it?
It’s an oompa loompa, i.e. an illegal immigrant worker I’ve kidnapped and don’t pay! They are played by one actor as well, to show they are not individuals and simply workers. They live to work.
Audience – ‘hey they’re not singing the oompa loompa song! They’re singing some crazy other song’.
These people are in fact idiots, as oompa loompa dooompty doo was never, EVER in the book. Neither was the dam bubble machine that makes Gene Wilder unreasonably angry with Charlie.
Several flashbacks to Christopher Lee as Wonka’s sadist father. He hates his child and lets him go trick or treating just so he can dangle the chocolate in Willy’s face and throw it in the fire and laugh evilly. MWAHAHAHAA!
Wonka, getting impatient now, gets rid of Augustus (too fat), Veruca (guessing she is ungenerous lover), Violet (bitch!) and Mike (mumbler!) and picks Charlie. The best out of a bad bunch.
In fact all of the punishments had been set up to symbolically show the flaws in the children’s characters and teach them a life lesson. Wait a minute, this is just Saw for kids!
The film eventually ends and Tim Burton sighs a sigh of relief, ‘I just want to go back and make twisted horror movies’.
Producers – well we are currently recruiting for Saw 17, Tim.
Charlie is so poor, poor but good, poor poor. Helen Bonham Carter plays his mother because she is a versatile actress, not because she is Tim Burton’s wife.
The only bit of light in Charlie’s life is his obsession with the Chocolate factory and Willy Wonka – he even builds a model of it using toothpaste caps.
Grandpa ‘Oh you know, I used to work there’
Charlie – ‘WHAT???? You just thought you’d mention it now!!!! Even though I am obviously really obsessed with the factory and we’d have common interest and it obviously took me MONTHS to build that model out of fucking toothpaste caps and you just fleetingly mention this incredible fact now???? What were you thinking!!’
Just before Charlie organises the giant bed and the grandparents to be shipped off into a nursing home where they belong, it is announced coincidentally that tickets for a tour of the factory are on sale.
Fat Augustus and greedy Veruca get their tickets. Now its Charlie’s turn! Oh wait, Charlie can’t be third, he has to be LAST to show he is important. We are treated to a scene where he obviously won’t find the ticket.
Violet and Mike Teevee get theirs and finally Charlie is allowed his.
The film delays Wonka’s entrance about 20 more times before we see him and mistake him for Michael Jackson.
A little man enters the scene
What is it?
It’s an oompa loompa, i.e. an illegal immigrant worker I’ve kidnapped and don’t pay! They are played by one actor as well, to show they are not individuals and simply workers. They live to work.
Audience – ‘hey they’re not singing the oompa loompa song! They’re singing some crazy other song’.
These people are in fact idiots, as oompa loompa dooompty doo was never, EVER in the book. Neither was the dam bubble machine that makes Gene Wilder unreasonably angry with Charlie.
Several flashbacks to Christopher Lee as Wonka’s sadist father. He hates his child and lets him go trick or treating just so he can dangle the chocolate in Willy’s face and throw it in the fire and laugh evilly. MWAHAHAHAA!
Wonka, getting impatient now, gets rid of Augustus (too fat), Veruca (guessing she is ungenerous lover), Violet (bitch!) and Mike (mumbler!) and picks Charlie. The best out of a bad bunch.
In fact all of the punishments had been set up to symbolically show the flaws in the children’s characters and teach them a life lesson. Wait a minute, this is just Saw for kids!
The film eventually ends and Tim Burton sighs a sigh of relief, ‘I just want to go back and make twisted horror movies’.
Producers – well we are currently recruiting for Saw 17, Tim.
The Departed
Jack Nicholson swears relentlessly to show what a bad ass he is and that Jack really is back.
Mark Whalberg though still manages to score an Oscar nomination.
Mark Whalberg though still manages to score an Oscar nomination.
My Bloody Valentine in 3D (not in 3D!)
Typical surfer teens Cody, Zach, Brad, Clarissa, Candy and plain virgin Jane are getting ready to celebrate valentine’s day where nothing will go wrong.
Alas, some big jerk is majorally pissed off with these teens acting upon their hormones and having a good time. THEY WILL PAY!!! (in 3D!)
Candy is babysitting and getting ready for the dance. How the fuck dare she?? Mr Valentine=death sl…o…wl….y creeps into the house and we see through his POV, watching her get ready. Most likely involving her stripping completely naked and feeling herself, like all women do when they get ready. Just before Mr Valentine is about to cum he shouts Surprise! And wields a lovely chainsaw!! She runs naked because err…it will make her run faster without those pesky cloths (this excuse is nothing, see Deep Blue Sea for worst example of woman nakedness needed for survival). She runs incredibly fast and he walks at a slow, menacing pace. He manages to beat basic physics and catches up with her. He then turns her into his own bloody valentine! (in 3D!)
Meanwhile at the dance, the others wonder where Candy is for 10 seconds after concluding that she must be playing a prank on them.
Cue oh so totally choreographed dance scene like in She’s all that.
Cody and Clarissa decide to go and make out in the alley. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ asks bitter Brad, ‘no way man! We’ll be right back!’
They make out, all the while being watched by Mr Valentine=death. He really really hates it when people kiss or show affection and decides to rip them apart. He kills Cody swiftly and quickly and then has to chase Clarissa for 10 solid minutes. Despite being in a public place and when there is a fucking dance going on, neither of them run into a passer by or student. Surprisingly, she dies!
Brad starts to endanger himself by getting a bit drunk and acting surly. He is subsequently punished. Mr Valentine=death hates people who cant handle their drink.
Plain virgin Jane uses her virgin super powers and outsmarts, defeats and arrests Mr Valentine=death.
Cop: Why’d you do it?
Mr Valentine=death ‘ I just want to be loved!’
Cop: Don’t worry Mr, lots of men find love in prison, They’ll go crazy over a little flower like you.
Mr Valentine=death is majorally raped in prison, in 3D!
Alas, some big jerk is majorally pissed off with these teens acting upon their hormones and having a good time. THEY WILL PAY!!! (in 3D!)
Candy is babysitting and getting ready for the dance. How the fuck dare she?? Mr Valentine=death sl…o…wl….y creeps into the house and we see through his POV, watching her get ready. Most likely involving her stripping completely naked and feeling herself, like all women do when they get ready. Just before Mr Valentine is about to cum he shouts Surprise! And wields a lovely chainsaw!! She runs naked because err…it will make her run faster without those pesky cloths (this excuse is nothing, see Deep Blue Sea for worst example of woman nakedness needed for survival). She runs incredibly fast and he walks at a slow, menacing pace. He manages to beat basic physics and catches up with her. He then turns her into his own bloody valentine! (in 3D!)
Meanwhile at the dance, the others wonder where Candy is for 10 seconds after concluding that she must be playing a prank on them.
Cue oh so totally choreographed dance scene like in She’s all that.
Cody and Clarissa decide to go and make out in the alley. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ asks bitter Brad, ‘no way man! We’ll be right back!’
They make out, all the while being watched by Mr Valentine=death. He really really hates it when people kiss or show affection and decides to rip them apart. He kills Cody swiftly and quickly and then has to chase Clarissa for 10 solid minutes. Despite being in a public place and when there is a fucking dance going on, neither of them run into a passer by or student. Surprisingly, she dies!
Brad starts to endanger himself by getting a bit drunk and acting surly. He is subsequently punished. Mr Valentine=death hates people who cant handle their drink.
Plain virgin Jane uses her virgin super powers and outsmarts, defeats and arrests Mr Valentine=death.
Cop: Why’d you do it?
Mr Valentine=death ‘ I just want to be loved!’
Cop: Don’t worry Mr, lots of men find love in prison, They’ll go crazy over a little flower like you.
Mr Valentine=death is majorally raped in prison, in 3D!
Closer
Singing – ‘I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off youuu’
Ten minutes later:
Eyeeesss, offfff yooooouuuu, eeeyyyyes
Natalie, having enough of the song decides to throw herself in front of a taxi. Unfortunately, she survives and even more unfortunately, is rescued by sleeze ball Jude Law.
Natalie bangs on about stripping; Jude bangs Julia Roberts while Clive Owen wants to bang Julia Roberts and engages in Internet sex chat with Jude.
Links are therefore all established between the characters in very clever ways. They all want to sleep with each other and throughout the film they all do.
Mind games and stage like awkward dialogue goes on for an hour.
Clive: I had an affair, I’m sorry.
Julia: oh that’s OK, don’t worry about it
Julia: speaking of, I kinda had an affair too
Clive: WHAT???? THAT IS TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE AND DIFFERENT TO WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE. FUCK YOU, C*NT YOU’RE A BITCH WHAT DOES JUDE TASTE LIKE???????? FUCKFUCKFUCK
Scene = justice
‘I can’t take my eeysss off youuuuuuu. Oooooooh’
The film pretends it has a message. It doesn’t.
Except we all learnt that Jude is sweeter tasting that Clive!
Ten minutes later:
Eyeeesss, offfff yooooouuuu, eeeyyyyes
Natalie, having enough of the song decides to throw herself in front of a taxi. Unfortunately, she survives and even more unfortunately, is rescued by sleeze ball Jude Law.
Natalie bangs on about stripping; Jude bangs Julia Roberts while Clive Owen wants to bang Julia Roberts and engages in Internet sex chat with Jude.
Links are therefore all established between the characters in very clever ways. They all want to sleep with each other and throughout the film they all do.
Mind games and stage like awkward dialogue goes on for an hour.
Clive: I had an affair, I’m sorry.
Julia: oh that’s OK, don’t worry about it
Julia: speaking of, I kinda had an affair too
Clive: WHAT???? THAT IS TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE AND DIFFERENT TO WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE. FUCK YOU, C*NT YOU’RE A BITCH WHAT DOES JUDE TASTE LIKE???????? FUCKFUCKFUCK
Scene = justice
‘I can’t take my eeysss off youuuuuuu. Oooooooh’
The film pretends it has a message. It doesn’t.
Except we all learnt that Jude is sweeter tasting that Clive!
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Hello ladies, I am handsome Spanish actor Javier Bardem!
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
There will be Blood
Dig up oil
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
Twilight
Bella – angst, angst, angst
Bella arrives at a new school and sees Edward Cullen and his HAIR (fangirls - *squeel!!! * omg omg omg!)
Who is he?
Oh that’s Edward Cullen, don’t worry about him, he NEVER dates anyone, ANYONE
Despite having very high standards, Edward somehow finds boring bland Bella incredibly attractive.
He shows this by pretending to be sick at the very sight of her to hide his lust.
To make up for this rude behaviour he kinda owes her and nonchalantly saves her life with super powers.
He shows his true nature by standing in the light. He looks a little sparkly = VAMPIRE!
Falling in love montage of dialogue hidden behind music.
Edward I love you!
Bella I love you for no apparent reason! I desperately want to have sex but I will accidentally kill you, I wont be able to stop myself because of the blood.
Metaphors for chastity are rammed down our throats for an hour.
Bella and Edward’s vampire play baseball. Ye old tradition rooted in Bram Stoker. Evil vampires decide Bella is so delicious that they chase after her for 20 minutes. Edward stops them.
They break up eventually though as Bella’s periods prove too much for Edward to handle.
Bella arrives at a new school and sees Edward Cullen and his HAIR (fangirls - *squeel!!! * omg omg omg!)
Who is he?
Oh that’s Edward Cullen, don’t worry about him, he NEVER dates anyone, ANYONE
Despite having very high standards, Edward somehow finds boring bland Bella incredibly attractive.
He shows this by pretending to be sick at the very sight of her to hide his lust.
To make up for this rude behaviour he kinda owes her and nonchalantly saves her life with super powers.
He shows his true nature by standing in the light. He looks a little sparkly = VAMPIRE!
Falling in love montage of dialogue hidden behind music.
Edward I love you!
Bella I love you for no apparent reason! I desperately want to have sex but I will accidentally kill you, I wont be able to stop myself because of the blood.
Metaphors for chastity are rammed down our throats for an hour.
Bella and Edward’s vampire play baseball. Ye old tradition rooted in Bram Stoker. Evil vampires decide Bella is so delicious that they chase after her for 20 minutes. Edward stops them.
They break up eventually though as Bella’s periods prove too much for Edward to handle.
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