Charlie and the chocolate factory

Narrated by Christopher Lee, who never, EVER, turns a role down.

Charlie is so poor, poor but good, poor poor. Helen Bonham Carter plays his mother because she is a versatile actress, not because she is Tim Burton’s wife.

The only bit of light in Charlie’s life is his obsession with the Chocolate factory and Willy Wonka – he even builds a model of it using toothpaste caps.

Grandpa ‘Oh you know, I used to work there’

Charlie – ‘WHAT???? You just thought you’d mention it now!!!! Even though I am obviously really obsessed with the factory and we’d have common interest and it obviously took me MONTHS to build that model out of fucking toothpaste caps and you just fleetingly mention this incredible fact now???? What were you thinking!!’

Just before Charlie organises the giant bed and the grandparents to be shipped off into a nursing home where they belong, it is announced coincidentally that tickets for a tour of the factory are on sale.

Fat Augustus and greedy Veruca get their tickets. Now its Charlie’s turn! Oh wait, Charlie can’t be third, he has to be LAST to show he is important. We are treated to a scene where he obviously won’t find the ticket.

Violet and Mike Teevee get theirs and finally Charlie is allowed his.

The film delays Wonka’s entrance about 20 more times before we see him and mistake him for Michael Jackson.

A little man enters the scene
What is it?
It’s an oompa loompa, i.e. an illegal immigrant worker I’ve kidnapped and don’t pay! They are played by one actor as well, to show they are not individuals and simply workers. They live to work.

Audience – ‘hey they’re not singing the oompa loompa song! They’re singing some crazy other song’.
These people are in fact idiots, as oompa loompa dooompty doo was never, EVER in the book. Neither was the dam bubble machine that makes Gene Wilder unreasonably angry with Charlie.

Several flashbacks to Christopher Lee as Wonka’s sadist father. He hates his child and lets him go trick or treating just so he can dangle the chocolate in Willy’s face and throw it in the fire and laugh evilly. MWAHAHAHAA!

Wonka, getting impatient now, gets rid of Augustus (too fat), Veruca (guessing she is ungenerous lover), Violet (bitch!) and Mike (mumbler!) and picks Charlie. The best out of a bad bunch.

In fact all of the punishments had been set up to symbolically show the flaws in the children’s characters and teach them a life lesson. Wait a minute, this is just Saw for kids!

The film eventually ends and Tim Burton sighs a sigh of relief, ‘I just want to go back and make twisted horror movies’.
Producers – well we are currently recruiting for Saw 17, Tim.