My Bloody Valentine in 3D (not in 3D!)

Typical surfer teens Cody, Zach, Brad, Clarissa, Candy and plain virgin Jane are getting ready to celebrate valentine’s day where nothing will go wrong.

Alas, some big jerk is majorally pissed off with these teens acting upon their hormones and having a good time. THEY WILL PAY!!! (in 3D!)

Candy is babysitting and getting ready for the dance. How the fuck dare she?? Mr Valentine=death sl…o…wl….y creeps into the house and we see through his POV, watching her get ready. Most likely involving her stripping completely naked and feeling herself, like all women do when they get ready. Just before Mr Valentine is about to cum he shouts Surprise! And wields a lovely chainsaw!! She runs naked because err…it will make her run faster without those pesky cloths (this excuse is nothing, see Deep Blue Sea for worst example of woman nakedness needed for survival). She runs incredibly fast and he walks at a slow, menacing pace. He manages to beat basic physics and catches up with her. He then turns her into his own bloody valentine! (in 3D!)

Meanwhile at the dance, the others wonder where Candy is for 10 seconds after concluding that she must be playing a prank on them.

Cue oh so totally choreographed dance scene like in She’s all that.

Cody and Clarissa decide to go and make out in the alley. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ asks bitter Brad, ‘no way man! We’ll be right back!’

They make out, all the while being watched by Mr Valentine=death. He really really hates it when people kiss or show affection and decides to rip them apart. He kills Cody swiftly and quickly and then has to chase Clarissa for 10 solid minutes. Despite being in a public place and when there is a fucking dance going on, neither of them run into a passer by or student. Surprisingly, she dies!

Brad starts to endanger himself by getting a bit drunk and acting surly. He is subsequently punished. Mr Valentine=death hates people who cant handle their drink.

Plain virgin Jane uses her virgin super powers and outsmarts, defeats and arrests Mr Valentine=death.

Cop: Why’d you do it?
Mr Valentine=death ‘ I just want to be loved!’
Cop: Don’t worry Mr, lots of men find love in prison, They’ll go crazy over a little flower like you.
Mr Valentine=death is majorally raped in prison, in 3D!