The Final Mis-Direction

Whoa, 3D this is gonna be sooo cool ‘ New Line Cinemas Presents’ zooms at the audience

3 minutes later – actually, 3D is pretty shit and just a gimmick

New Line – Shhhh! It’s adding so much to the STORY

Huge OMG pile up crashes

Zoom out – Zach - whoa, what a scary dream! Better get out of here

The glamorous 30 year old teens, Hunt, Zach, Crystal and Corey all make it out of the demolition.

Death – I’ll be back

Terrifying opening credits of a skeleton being mutilated with fuck-yeah rock music, what is this, Saw?

Zach and Crystal - Hey guys, we’ve been researching the extremely complex first three films and apparently Death is pissed with us, he is going to kill us in the most elaborate way possible.

Not only that though, he’ll set up fake scenarios where you think that the teen is going to die from the impending drill heading toward their face, it will then miraculously stop, they will sigh a sigh of relief and then something random like a badger will throw itself at them and eat their face off.

Let’s go

Crystal-Wait a second, we need to the camera to leer at me wearing nothing but my sheer panties which I am wearing for no apparent reason.

Zach has a premonition, something SHARP is going to go through someone eye.

Woman who survived car crash - I’ve got my EYE on you, this eye here...hope nothing HAPPENS to it.

She arrives at a hair salon.

And so the set up begins – you might need a toilet break or something.

Snip fringe, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip...

10 minutes later...

SNIP, CHAIR BREAK, SHAMPOO SLIPPPP – ARRRGHHHH – oh whoa, false alarm, I survived *sigh of relief* - oh shit I just got killed by a piece of metal through my eye from a guy outside.

Cut to – another survivor - Nurse is filling up a bathtub with water, just as it is about to reach the very top, he decides to leave it running and shut and lock the door. Bath inevitably overflows and of course falls through the floor killing victim#477. Hmm, yet a bath can hold its weight with say being full of water and holding an obese man? Yet a bit of extra water and it collapses through concrete ceiling?? Without anyone noticing?? And there was no self draining system?

Hip audience – yeah but death controlled the situation, you can’t, like, outsmart him

Oh yeah, they are so right. If death is so fucking smart, why doesn’t he just sneeze the plague at them or something instead of getting off toying with people like this. Has he not got anything better to do?

Hunt vs Tiffany– who will die??? Oh Hunt will, we don’t care and apparently none of the characters do either. He is never mentioned again.

Car mechanic – you know guys, I think everything’s gonna be allllllright

Death – ohohoh, I don’t think so! DEATH BY SPLITTING BODY THROUGH THE SHARPEST EVER FENCE

OMFG HUGE CINEMA EXPLOSIONS AND DEATHS – 20 mins of gore yeaaahh

Zoom out

Zach - Whoa, guys, I just had a terrifying vision!

Err what? You’ve played the ‘oh it was just a dream card!’ TWICE in one 75 minute movie!

We are then forced to watch the entire OMFG cinema sequence again.

People are killed watching a 3D movie in a cinema...OMG, brain cannot handle the complexity of that idea, cannot cope....

Zach saves the girls.

Fade out to not at all a ‘hey guys, we made it! Oh fuck no we didn’t death sequence’.

Zach is strolling along the street like a cocky shit head - ‘hey builders, it pays to be safe!!!’

Builders – oh yeaaah it does. I’m sure this isn’t foreshadowing anything.

Zach goes into a coffee shop.

Zach – girls here are your low fat – non coffee coffee drinks and I being a man will have a chocolate deluxe ice-cream with whipped cream on top!

They sit on a table next to the window where we can see some builders moving heaving equipment.

I bet something flies at them...oh yeah, it has. They are all crushed, however, through animated graphics instead of 3D – did they run out of money or something or were the filmmakers just bored?

Death – Hmm, how about next time I just keep my damn death thoughts to myself?