Mr Freeze – Allow me to break the ICE, I am Mr Freeze
Catwoman – PURRFFECCT, I am Catwoman
Mr Freeze – ICE to meet you
Catwoman - What a CATastrophe your outfit is
Mr Freeze – well you better dress warm tonight, a FREEZE is coming
Catwoman - It’s OK, I have NINE lives
Mr Freeze – ....
Catwoman – What’s the matter, CAT got your tongue?
Mr Freeze – I can’t think of anymore
Catwoman - me neither
Mr Freeze – Let us go home and promise not be pun related super villains anymore
Catwoman – Yes, let us do that with our lives instead
End.
Sunday 6 September 2009
The Final Mis-Direction
Whoa, 3D this is gonna be sooo cool ‘ New Line Cinemas Presents’ zooms at the audience
3 minutes later – actually, 3D is pretty shit and just a gimmick
New Line – Shhhh! It’s adding so much to the STORY
Huge OMG pile up crashes
Zoom out – Zach - whoa, what a scary dream! Better get out of here
The glamorous 30 year old teens, Hunt, Zach, Crystal and Corey all make it out of the demolition.
Death – I’ll be back
Terrifying opening credits of a skeleton being mutilated with fuck-yeah rock music, what is this, Saw?
Zach and Crystal - Hey guys, we’ve been researching the extremely complex first three films and apparently Death is pissed with us, he is going to kill us in the most elaborate way possible.
Not only that though, he’ll set up fake scenarios where you think that the teen is going to die from the impending drill heading toward their face, it will then miraculously stop, they will sigh a sigh of relief and then something random like a badger will throw itself at them and eat their face off.
Let’s go
Crystal-Wait a second, we need to the camera to leer at me wearing nothing but my sheer panties which I am wearing for no apparent reason.
Zach has a premonition, something SHARP is going to go through someone eye.
Woman who survived car crash - I’ve got my EYE on you, this eye here...hope nothing HAPPENS to it.
She arrives at a hair salon.
And so the set up begins – you might need a toilet break or something.
Snip fringe, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip...
10 minutes later...
SNIP, CHAIR BREAK, SHAMPOO SLIPPPP – ARRRGHHHH – oh whoa, false alarm, I survived *sigh of relief* - oh shit I just got killed by a piece of metal through my eye from a guy outside.
Cut to – another survivor - Nurse is filling up a bathtub with water, just as it is about to reach the very top, he decides to leave it running and shut and lock the door. Bath inevitably overflows and of course falls through the floor killing victim#477. Hmm, yet a bath can hold its weight with say being full of water and holding an obese man? Yet a bit of extra water and it collapses through concrete ceiling?? Without anyone noticing?? And there was no self draining system?
Hip audience – yeah but death controlled the situation, you can’t, like, outsmart him
Oh yeah, they are so right. If death is so fucking smart, why doesn’t he just sneeze the plague at them or something instead of getting off toying with people like this. Has he not got anything better to do?
Hunt vs Tiffany– who will die??? Oh Hunt will, we don’t care and apparently none of the characters do either. He is never mentioned again.
Car mechanic – you know guys, I think everything’s gonna be allllllright
Death – ohohoh, I don’t think so! DEATH BY SPLITTING BODY THROUGH THE SHARPEST EVER FENCE
OMFG HUGE CINEMA EXPLOSIONS AND DEATHS – 20 mins of gore yeaaahh
Zoom out
Zach - Whoa, guys, I just had a terrifying vision!
Err what? You’ve played the ‘oh it was just a dream card!’ TWICE in one 75 minute movie!
We are then forced to watch the entire OMFG cinema sequence again.
People are killed watching a 3D movie in a cinema...OMG, brain cannot handle the complexity of that idea, cannot cope....
Zach saves the girls.
Fade out to not at all a ‘hey guys, we made it! Oh fuck no we didn’t death sequence’.
Zach is strolling along the street like a cocky shit head - ‘hey builders, it pays to be safe!!!’
Builders – oh yeaaah it does. I’m sure this isn’t foreshadowing anything.
Zach goes into a coffee shop.
Zach – girls here are your low fat – non coffee coffee drinks and I being a man will have a chocolate deluxe ice-cream with whipped cream on top!
They sit on a table next to the window where we can see some builders moving heaving equipment.
I bet something flies at them...oh yeah, it has. They are all crushed, however, through animated graphics instead of 3D – did they run out of money or something or were the filmmakers just bored?
Death – Hmm, how about next time I just keep my damn death thoughts to myself?
3 minutes later – actually, 3D is pretty shit and just a gimmick
New Line – Shhhh! It’s adding so much to the STORY
Huge OMG pile up crashes
Zoom out – Zach - whoa, what a scary dream! Better get out of here
The glamorous 30 year old teens, Hunt, Zach, Crystal and Corey all make it out of the demolition.
Death – I’ll be back
Terrifying opening credits of a skeleton being mutilated with fuck-yeah rock music, what is this, Saw?
Zach and Crystal - Hey guys, we’ve been researching the extremely complex first three films and apparently Death is pissed with us, he is going to kill us in the most elaborate way possible.
Not only that though, he’ll set up fake scenarios where you think that the teen is going to die from the impending drill heading toward their face, it will then miraculously stop, they will sigh a sigh of relief and then something random like a badger will throw itself at them and eat their face off.
Let’s go
Crystal-Wait a second, we need to the camera to leer at me wearing nothing but my sheer panties which I am wearing for no apparent reason.
Zach has a premonition, something SHARP is going to go through someone eye.
Woman who survived car crash - I’ve got my EYE on you, this eye here...hope nothing HAPPENS to it.
She arrives at a hair salon.
And so the set up begins – you might need a toilet break or something.
Snip fringe, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip, Snip, chair break, shampoo slip...
10 minutes later...
SNIP, CHAIR BREAK, SHAMPOO SLIPPPP – ARRRGHHHH – oh whoa, false alarm, I survived *sigh of relief* - oh shit I just got killed by a piece of metal through my eye from a guy outside.
Cut to – another survivor - Nurse is filling up a bathtub with water, just as it is about to reach the very top, he decides to leave it running and shut and lock the door. Bath inevitably overflows and of course falls through the floor killing victim#477. Hmm, yet a bath can hold its weight with say being full of water and holding an obese man? Yet a bit of extra water and it collapses through concrete ceiling?? Without anyone noticing?? And there was no self draining system?
Hip audience – yeah but death controlled the situation, you can’t, like, outsmart him
Oh yeah, they are so right. If death is so fucking smart, why doesn’t he just sneeze the plague at them or something instead of getting off toying with people like this. Has he not got anything better to do?
Hunt vs Tiffany– who will die??? Oh Hunt will, we don’t care and apparently none of the characters do either. He is never mentioned again.
Car mechanic – you know guys, I think everything’s gonna be allllllright
Death – ohohoh, I don’t think so! DEATH BY SPLITTING BODY THROUGH THE SHARPEST EVER FENCE
OMFG HUGE CINEMA EXPLOSIONS AND DEATHS – 20 mins of gore yeaaahh
Zoom out
Zach - Whoa, guys, I just had a terrifying vision!
Err what? You’ve played the ‘oh it was just a dream card!’ TWICE in one 75 minute movie!
We are then forced to watch the entire OMFG cinema sequence again.
People are killed watching a 3D movie in a cinema...OMG, brain cannot handle the complexity of that idea, cannot cope....
Zach saves the girls.
Fade out to not at all a ‘hey guys, we made it! Oh fuck no we didn’t death sequence’.
Zach is strolling along the street like a cocky shit head - ‘hey builders, it pays to be safe!!!’
Builders – oh yeaaah it does. I’m sure this isn’t foreshadowing anything.
Zach goes into a coffee shop.
Zach – girls here are your low fat – non coffee coffee drinks and I being a man will have a chocolate deluxe ice-cream with whipped cream on top!
They sit on a table next to the window where we can see some builders moving heaving equipment.
I bet something flies at them...oh yeah, it has. They are all crushed, however, through animated graphics instead of 3D – did they run out of money or something or were the filmmakers just bored?
Death – Hmm, how about next time I just keep my damn death thoughts to myself?
Terminator Salvation
I think Brick Tamland from Anchorman can sum this film up better than I can:
Brick – LOUD NOISES!
Brick – I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!!!!
Brick – LOUD NOISES!
Brick – I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!!!!
Deception
Deception – an erotic straight to video thriller that was accidently released in the cinemas as it stars EWAN MCGREGGOR and HUGH JACKMAN and to a lesser extent, MICHELLE WILLIAMS
Whilst the three leads firmly keep their clothes on, the rest of the unnameable cast take theirs off during various boring sex scenes that are all filmed in the dark so the film can get a 15 rating and therefore get a bigger audience!! (It grossed about 2 dollars)
Eventually, after all the sexual TENSION – the three start DECEPTING one another.
Hugh - I deceive you!
Ewan - Well, I deceive you more!
Michelle - Ahahaha, well I was deceiving both of you all long!
Hugh - Actually, I knew that
Ewan - Ahahaa, I was actually bluffing!
Michelle - Me too!
Hugh - What about me, for I was deceiving all of you right from the beginning!
Ewan - Except me, for I was deceiving you!
Michelle – As was I
Audience - actually, it’s screamingly obvious that Ewan and Michelle would ultimately deceive you Hugh, no matter how many ‘aha!’ scenes have been thrown in
Hugh/Ewan/Michelle – why did we agree to make this?
Agents – aha, we deceived all of you!!!!! OMG MONEYYY $$$$$$$$
Whilst the three leads firmly keep their clothes on, the rest of the unnameable cast take theirs off during various boring sex scenes that are all filmed in the dark so the film can get a 15 rating and therefore get a bigger audience!! (It grossed about 2 dollars)
Eventually, after all the sexual TENSION – the three start DECEPTING one another.
Hugh - I deceive you!
Ewan - Well, I deceive you more!
Michelle - Ahahaha, well I was deceiving both of you all long!
Hugh - Actually, I knew that
Ewan - Ahahaa, I was actually bluffing!
Michelle - Me too!
Hugh - What about me, for I was deceiving all of you right from the beginning!
Ewan - Except me, for I was deceiving you!
Michelle – As was I
Audience - actually, it’s screamingly obvious that Ewan and Michelle would ultimately deceive you Hugh, no matter how many ‘aha!’ scenes have been thrown in
Hugh/Ewan/Michelle – why did we agree to make this?
Agents – aha, we deceived all of you!!!!! OMG MONEYYY $$$$$$$$
Nights in Rodanthe
Bratty teenage daughter – I hate you Diane Lane! Why won’t you get back together with Dad? Sure, he fucked other women and paid prostitutes and killed that guy that time...but fuck you, you are such a bitch!!!!
Diane – Right, I think I’ll get away from my awful life and run a hotel on the beach
Richard Gere – Hmm, I sure wish I hadn’t accidently kill that woman on my operating table, do I feel bad or what. I think I’ll take my aggression out on my son James Franco
James Franco – Whattt? Don’t use my name in this! I demand to be un-credited!
Richard Gere – this is coming from a guy who was in Spiderman 3?
Unamed son – oh gee dad, why don’t you wallow in your guilt at the hotel on the beach, I think Diane Lane is running this week and judging by her previous films, I’m guessing she’ll be up for it.
Richard Gere – Oh her again, she cheated on me in Unfaithful!
Richard and Diane meet.
Diane – haven’t we...?
Richard and Diane take it slowly at first. When the screenwriters realise they cannot use ‘Diane looked at Richard. Richard looked at Diane, Diane looked away coyly’ for the 60th time, they decide to make them KISS.
They have a 5 minute relationship, old people relationships shouldn’t be dwelt upon (are you listening Something’s gotta give??)
As the film is still only 60 minutes long and there has been no CRYING, a TWIST needs to take place
Richard dies in a mud hut accident!
Diane cries for 10 minutes. She then learns a lesson about life and herself.
She then makes up with her horrible daughter.
Diane – oh great, my prize is you? Why couldn’t they have killed me off instead?
Diane – Right, I think I’ll get away from my awful life and run a hotel on the beach
Richard Gere – Hmm, I sure wish I hadn’t accidently kill that woman on my operating table, do I feel bad or what. I think I’ll take my aggression out on my son James Franco
James Franco – Whattt? Don’t use my name in this! I demand to be un-credited!
Richard Gere – this is coming from a guy who was in Spiderman 3?
Unamed son – oh gee dad, why don’t you wallow in your guilt at the hotel on the beach, I think Diane Lane is running this week and judging by her previous films, I’m guessing she’ll be up for it.
Richard Gere – Oh her again, she cheated on me in Unfaithful!
Richard and Diane meet.
Diane – haven’t we...?
Richard and Diane take it slowly at first. When the screenwriters realise they cannot use ‘Diane looked at Richard. Richard looked at Diane, Diane looked away coyly’ for the 60th time, they decide to make them KISS.
They have a 5 minute relationship, old people relationships shouldn’t be dwelt upon (are you listening Something’s gotta give??)
As the film is still only 60 minutes long and there has been no CRYING, a TWIST needs to take place
Richard dies in a mud hut accident!
Diane cries for 10 minutes. She then learns a lesson about life and herself.
She then makes up with her horrible daughter.
Diane – oh great, my prize is you? Why couldn’t they have killed me off instead?
Armageddon
An asteroid is heading for earth, as this is a MICHAEL BAY film, an action sequence must take place IMMEDIATELY. Cue comedic token black guy screaming ‘shitttt dawwwg’ as asteroids totally fuck up NY City.
Whitehouse – important looking older men in uniforms stand in rooms with big maps and graphs in the background, used to represent SCIENCE.
General 1 – What should we do? The mother ship/asteroid is heading straight for us!
General 2 – Why, we simply hire a bunch of redneck hick drillers and send them into space so they can drill the asteroid into 2, thereby both missing earth entirely – isn’t that brilliant and completely doable?
General 1 – Well, err, as we only have 2 weeks till impact, instead of conducting this completely mental experiment of training uneducated people how to go into space, which usually takes years of training and educating, why don’t we quickly trained our qualified astronauts how to drill a rock?
General 2 – I think going into space is far easier to master than drilling some things. You’re fired!
MICHAEL BAY – BORING, NEXT SCENE!
Bruce Willis – Ah sure love drilling, why that was why I was put on this here earth. Oh hello Liv Tyler, my daughter (who looks NOTHING like me)
Liv Tyler – Hi Harry, I’m angry with you which is why I repeatedly call you HARRY instead of dad. We have grown apart and are very different people. Perhaps by the end of the film we would have learned about each other and I will be able to call you ‘dad’
Bruce – alright, alright, don’t make it TOO obvious now
Liv – ok HARRY
Bruce – anyway, I am also angry that you are dating Ben Affleck.
Liv – err why exactly?
Bruce – SHUT UP BITCH, you can’t ask questions like that, you’re just a woman in a Michael Bay film, just look alluring why don’t you?
Liv – who do you think I am, Megan Fox? Now please excuse me, I’m going to have sex with Ben Affleck, where an Aerosmith song will play in the background. The lead singer of Aerosmith is my dad. This is soo wrong.
MICHAEL BAY- Ohhhhh yeaaaahhh
Billy Bob the president – an asteroid is heading to earth. (MICHAEL BAY quietly orgasms) we will now teach you a lesson about ASTEROIDS
Conveniently, as the hicks are STUPID, NASA can S-p-e-l-l out how asteroids work so the thick audience can understand too!
One hour of hilarious training montages follow as Bruce and other hicks learn to be astronauts. They’re now fully trained!
They go to space and meet a whacky Russian character - errrhhhhh, drink some vodkaaa!
The camera shakily moves a lot around the dark meteor set and we can’t see what is happening for the majority of the time.
Eventually after a lot of drilling shots, Bruce eventually SACRFIICES himself for his daughter – they now decide that they love each other and want to spend time with one another, well a bit fucking late now!
Liv – I love you.....DAD!!!!
AIR GUITARRRR SOLOOOOOO plays as he blows himself up from numerous different angles.
We cut to earth, which shows glorious AMERICANS waving their flags and celebrating, and then to English men sipping cups of tea in their castles and then some other FOREGIN countries where they dance around their mud huts and fire in their rags.
Whitehouse – important looking older men in uniforms stand in rooms with big maps and graphs in the background, used to represent SCIENCE.
General 1 – What should we do? The mother ship/asteroid is heading straight for us!
General 2 – Why, we simply hire a bunch of redneck hick drillers and send them into space so they can drill the asteroid into 2, thereby both missing earth entirely – isn’t that brilliant and completely doable?
General 1 – Well, err, as we only have 2 weeks till impact, instead of conducting this completely mental experiment of training uneducated people how to go into space, which usually takes years of training and educating, why don’t we quickly trained our qualified astronauts how to drill a rock?
General 2 – I think going into space is far easier to master than drilling some things. You’re fired!
MICHAEL BAY – BORING, NEXT SCENE!
Bruce Willis – Ah sure love drilling, why that was why I was put on this here earth. Oh hello Liv Tyler, my daughter (who looks NOTHING like me)
Liv Tyler – Hi Harry, I’m angry with you which is why I repeatedly call you HARRY instead of dad. We have grown apart and are very different people. Perhaps by the end of the film we would have learned about each other and I will be able to call you ‘dad’
Bruce – alright, alright, don’t make it TOO obvious now
Liv – ok HARRY
Bruce – anyway, I am also angry that you are dating Ben Affleck.
Liv – err why exactly?
Bruce – SHUT UP BITCH, you can’t ask questions like that, you’re just a woman in a Michael Bay film, just look alluring why don’t you?
Liv – who do you think I am, Megan Fox? Now please excuse me, I’m going to have sex with Ben Affleck, where an Aerosmith song will play in the background. The lead singer of Aerosmith is my dad. This is soo wrong.
MICHAEL BAY- Ohhhhh yeaaaahhh
Billy Bob the president – an asteroid is heading to earth. (MICHAEL BAY quietly orgasms) we will now teach you a lesson about ASTEROIDS
Conveniently, as the hicks are STUPID, NASA can S-p-e-l-l out how asteroids work so the thick audience can understand too!
One hour of hilarious training montages follow as Bruce and other hicks learn to be astronauts. They’re now fully trained!
They go to space and meet a whacky Russian character - errrhhhhh, drink some vodkaaa!
The camera shakily moves a lot around the dark meteor set and we can’t see what is happening for the majority of the time.
Eventually after a lot of drilling shots, Bruce eventually SACRFIICES himself for his daughter – they now decide that they love each other and want to spend time with one another, well a bit fucking late now!
Liv – I love you.....DAD!!!!
AIR GUITARRRR SOLOOOOOO plays as he blows himself up from numerous different angles.
We cut to earth, which shows glorious AMERICANS waving their flags and celebrating, and then to English men sipping cups of tea in their castles and then some other FOREGIN countries where they dance around their mud huts and fire in their rags.
The Wedding Planner/Hitch
JLO/Will Smith – I love helping others in their love life, there isn’t anything I don’t know about love
Person – Hey JLO/Will Smith, how’s your own personal love life going?
JLO/Will Smith – Sheeet! I forgot about that old thing! I suppose logically, I can use my experience and expertise that people pay me to use in my own life. I’ll be the best person at love!
Twist – They aren’t! They’re clueless about love! Whu-oh – cue funky pop music, preferably something from a JLO/Will Smith album
JLO/Will Smith – Oh shit, I just don’t know what to do with a the member of the opposite sex
Person – Just use your techniques
JLO/Will Smith – Err, I choose to ignore that advise, where is a hilarious romantic comedy in that concept?
Person – where the fuck is the romantic comedy in the scenario that you are proposing?
JLO/Will Smith – does it matter? We’ll still make millions!
They do.
Person – Hey JLO/Will Smith, how’s your own personal love life going?
JLO/Will Smith – Sheeet! I forgot about that old thing! I suppose logically, I can use my experience and expertise that people pay me to use in my own life. I’ll be the best person at love!
Twist – They aren’t! They’re clueless about love! Whu-oh – cue funky pop music, preferably something from a JLO/Will Smith album
JLO/Will Smith – Oh shit, I just don’t know what to do with a the member of the opposite sex
Person – Just use your techniques
JLO/Will Smith – Err, I choose to ignore that advise, where is a hilarious romantic comedy in that concept?
Person – where the fuck is the romantic comedy in the scenario that you are proposing?
JLO/Will Smith – does it matter? We’ll still make millions!
They do.
The Sixth Sense
I see dead people...including you Bruce Willis!
Bruce – OMFG, I’m dead! Oh, actually that kinda makes sense. That’s why not a SINGLE person has spoken to me, acknowledged me or shook my hand for a whole year, including my wife. It all makes SENSE. Hmm, I really should have realised sooner, especially after the whole getting-shot-in-the-chest incident at the beginning of the movie that was quickly brushed over.
M Night Shamalalaal – OMFG, my twist was soooo awesome! It blew everyone the fuck away! This has given me the confidence I needed. I will abuse this confidence and carry on writing just as smart and well written twists in ALL of my future films!
7 years later after ‘The Happening’ is released
M Night Shmalalala’s lawyers with Jedi powers - hmm, M., it really isn’t working out. I think you better go home and rethink your life.
M night: Yes, I better go home and rethink my life.
Bruce – OMFG, I’m dead! Oh, actually that kinda makes sense. That’s why not a SINGLE person has spoken to me, acknowledged me or shook my hand for a whole year, including my wife. It all makes SENSE. Hmm, I really should have realised sooner, especially after the whole getting-shot-in-the-chest incident at the beginning of the movie that was quickly brushed over.
M Night Shamalalaal – OMFG, my twist was soooo awesome! It blew everyone the fuck away! This has given me the confidence I needed. I will abuse this confidence and carry on writing just as smart and well written twists in ALL of my future films!
7 years later after ‘The Happening’ is released
M Night Shmalalala’s lawyers with Jedi powers - hmm, M., it really isn’t working out. I think you better go home and rethink your life.
M night: Yes, I better go home and rethink my life.
Shallow Hal
Jack Black – Bleeurrgghhh! I’m so misogynist, I love to get me some fine ass, I mean, I am so sexy and physically alluring – as should all my sexual partners who I inexplicably pull.
Guru – hmm, I disagree with the image you have of women Jack, I will secretly put a spell on you – you will only see ‘inner beauty’ if women are beautiful on the inside, they will be beautiful on the outside.
Jack sees gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow
Jack: Yeaaaahhh, I’ll get me some!
Little does he know that Gwyneth is actually a 40 stone whale. However, beauty on the insssiiiiide. The film only shows us true appearance in brief half a second flashes. The audience cannot bear to subjected to anymore obese people after all that jack Black’s jiggling-on-the-pull dance.
Isn’t that a nice lesson about beauty? Hmmm, not really. This surely just cements the idea that thin and blonde = beautiful and overweight = UGLY, too ugly in fact to even be shown. However, we are allowed to be shown Jack Black who has been cast as the romantic hero – but the woman has to be shown as the beautiful side. At least Shrek showed the ogres! Both Fiona and Shrek!
Liberating!
As well as being morally questionable, the film has ONE gag –
Jack – Hi generic friend character, meet my GORGEOUS girlfriend
Friend – But...she aint gorgeous! Look at her!
Jack – Huh? *confused look* Anywho, onto the next scene!
Jack - Hey other friend, isn’t she a looker?
Friend 2 – Who, Miss Piggy?
Jack – How odd of you to say that, I will ignore this however and do something whacky, probably something involving a guitar!
Guru – hmm, I disagree with the image you have of women Jack, I will secretly put a spell on you – you will only see ‘inner beauty’ if women are beautiful on the inside, they will be beautiful on the outside.
Jack sees gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow
Jack: Yeaaaahhh, I’ll get me some!
Little does he know that Gwyneth is actually a 40 stone whale. However, beauty on the insssiiiiide. The film only shows us true appearance in brief half a second flashes. The audience cannot bear to subjected to anymore obese people after all that jack Black’s jiggling-on-the-pull dance.
Isn’t that a nice lesson about beauty? Hmmm, not really. This surely just cements the idea that thin and blonde = beautiful and overweight = UGLY, too ugly in fact to even be shown. However, we are allowed to be shown Jack Black who has been cast as the romantic hero – but the woman has to be shown as the beautiful side. At least Shrek showed the ogres! Both Fiona and Shrek!
Liberating!
As well as being morally questionable, the film has ONE gag –
Jack – Hi generic friend character, meet my GORGEOUS girlfriend
Friend – But...she aint gorgeous! Look at her!
Jack – Huh? *confused look* Anywho, onto the next scene!
Jack - Hey other friend, isn’t she a looker?
Friend 2 – Who, Miss Piggy?
Jack – How odd of you to say that, I will ignore this however and do something whacky, probably something involving a guitar!
Tuesday 23 June 2009
Year One - Superbad goes prehistoric?
Laddish comedy -check!
Michael Cera in 'akward comedy mode' - check!
Fat more laddy than Michael Cera sidekick - check!
Gormless staring at audience poster - check!
Monday 16 March 2009
Deep Blue Sea
Typical teens have a party in the boat in the middle of the ocean at night.
Smart teens.
Whoops! They know over a bottle of RED wine in to the water. Oh, I get it, so it looks like blood, very clever scriptwriters. Even though Sharks use their sense of smell not their sight as their sight is pretty SHIT.
The shark however, decides to ignore this part of his biology and goes for the teens. Thomas Jane rescues them all by appearing out of nowhere.
Audience ‘how did..?
NEXT SCENE!
Saffron Burrows arrives in New York and talks Hollywood Science to Samuel L Jackson. The cure of Alzheimer’s was apparently in Shark’s brains all along!
She somehow convinces him to go to the SCIENCE station in the middle of the ocean. Don’t worry, its perfectly safe!
Aquatic station: Halfhearted attempts of character development are made.
This is quickly abandoned and a Shark is brought in for a science test.
They suck a bit of the brain out. Everyone cheers! Everything is going to be OK!
Shark, hearing all the celebrations, decides to ruin it and bites Stellan’s arm off.
Stellan hobbles about with his arm behind his back. He is put in a stretcher and airlifted into a helicopter. Slowly. Just at this moment, the most horrendous storm hits the scene! Damn you nature and your never failing ability to be inconvenient in Hollywood Blockbusters!
Shark leaps up and grabs Stellan and drags him under water. This then drags the helicopter into the station, which marjory EXPLODES EVERYTHING – YEEEAAAHHHH. The scene is essentially bayified.
At this point, the survivors are looking at Saffron for some answers.
Saffron ‘ as a result of the unspecified, undiscussed and unexplained SCIENCE experiment, the sharks got smarter as a side effect!’
To illustrate the point, a shark swims BACKWARDS in front of them all.
Very clever writers. Except of course, sharks do not swim backwards because they are too dumb and it just never occurred to them to swim backwards. Their biology does not ALLOW them too.
To really show what a mean spirited, malicious and clever the shark really is, he throws Stellan’s corpse into the glass – which FLOODS THE ENTIRE VACINITY.
Luckily, three men easily manage to shut and lock the door again the entire ocean flooding in. They are safe. For now!
Obligatory arguing amongst themselves scene takes place, giving the audience a chance to easily work out who will die and in what order. I.e. Wimpish girl, evil girl who love Alzheimer’s and jock cocky guy who panics under a crisis. But not Samuel L Jackson though, just let him get on with his speech about sticking together…Hmm, the speech is going on for a worryingly long time, and he’s stepping near the water, hmm I think something may come along and…oh yeah, there it is, shark leaped out of the water and ate him to get him to shut the fuck up, or you know, throw the audience off!
Wimpish girl dies next. She is pulled under the water.
Well, that’s the end of…
Oh wait, she emerges again sitting in the sharks open mouth (still alive). The shark just sort of parades his conquest in front of the rest of the cast, a bit too smugly. He then goes back into the water. To plot his next devilish plan to hurt their feelings, probably.
Jock wimpish in a crisis guy goes next. He gets bitten in half,. The CGI is so bad that he has two right feet.
Thomas, LL Cool J (Hey, Ice Cube did well out of Anaconda, why cant I?) and Saffron eventually make it to the top.
Thomas ‘ wait, the sharks have planned this, all of this. They know the fences at the very top were made of steel, which is easy to break through, unlike the electrocuted fence at the bottom. They therefore, planned to flood the entire vicinity in order to be free, free in the. …DEEP BLUE SEA!
Saffron ‘ but, how? How did they figure out that the fences are just steel at the top? They’re smarter yes, but they didn’t just develop a knowledge of materials and understand what they can barge through, also, they can't understand English, so they couldn’t have understood any conversations we had about the steel tops. They can’t know by ‘looking’ at the fences either. Also, how the FUCK could anyone have PLANNED all of this.
To shut Saffron up before she ruins the movie, the shark eats her.
Thomas then blows the shark up i.e. the end of Jaws.
LL Cool J raps.
Smart teens.
Whoops! They know over a bottle of RED wine in to the water. Oh, I get it, so it looks like blood, very clever scriptwriters. Even though Sharks use their sense of smell not their sight as their sight is pretty SHIT.
The shark however, decides to ignore this part of his biology and goes for the teens. Thomas Jane rescues them all by appearing out of nowhere.
Audience ‘how did..?
NEXT SCENE!
Saffron Burrows arrives in New York and talks Hollywood Science to Samuel L Jackson. The cure of Alzheimer’s was apparently in Shark’s brains all along!
She somehow convinces him to go to the SCIENCE station in the middle of the ocean. Don’t worry, its perfectly safe!
Aquatic station: Halfhearted attempts of character development are made.
This is quickly abandoned and a Shark is brought in for a science test.
They suck a bit of the brain out. Everyone cheers! Everything is going to be OK!
Shark, hearing all the celebrations, decides to ruin it and bites Stellan’s arm off.
Stellan hobbles about with his arm behind his back. He is put in a stretcher and airlifted into a helicopter. Slowly. Just at this moment, the most horrendous storm hits the scene! Damn you nature and your never failing ability to be inconvenient in Hollywood Blockbusters!
Shark leaps up and grabs Stellan and drags him under water. This then drags the helicopter into the station, which marjory EXPLODES EVERYTHING – YEEEAAAHHHH. The scene is essentially bayified.
At this point, the survivors are looking at Saffron for some answers.
Saffron ‘ as a result of the unspecified, undiscussed and unexplained SCIENCE experiment, the sharks got smarter as a side effect!’
To illustrate the point, a shark swims BACKWARDS in front of them all.
Very clever writers. Except of course, sharks do not swim backwards because they are too dumb and it just never occurred to them to swim backwards. Their biology does not ALLOW them too.
To really show what a mean spirited, malicious and clever the shark really is, he throws Stellan’s corpse into the glass – which FLOODS THE ENTIRE VACINITY.
Luckily, three men easily manage to shut and lock the door again the entire ocean flooding in. They are safe. For now!
Obligatory arguing amongst themselves scene takes place, giving the audience a chance to easily work out who will die and in what order. I.e. Wimpish girl, evil girl who love Alzheimer’s and jock cocky guy who panics under a crisis. But not Samuel L Jackson though, just let him get on with his speech about sticking together…Hmm, the speech is going on for a worryingly long time, and he’s stepping near the water, hmm I think something may come along and…oh yeah, there it is, shark leaped out of the water and ate him to get him to shut the fuck up, or you know, throw the audience off!
Wimpish girl dies next. She is pulled under the water.
Well, that’s the end of…
Oh wait, she emerges again sitting in the sharks open mouth (still alive). The shark just sort of parades his conquest in front of the rest of the cast, a bit too smugly. He then goes back into the water. To plot his next devilish plan to hurt their feelings, probably.
Jock wimpish in a crisis guy goes next. He gets bitten in half,. The CGI is so bad that he has two right feet.
Thomas, LL Cool J (Hey, Ice Cube did well out of Anaconda, why cant I?) and Saffron eventually make it to the top.
Thomas ‘ wait, the sharks have planned this, all of this. They know the fences at the very top were made of steel, which is easy to break through, unlike the electrocuted fence at the bottom. They therefore, planned to flood the entire vicinity in order to be free, free in the. …DEEP BLUE SEA!
Saffron ‘ but, how? How did they figure out that the fences are just steel at the top? They’re smarter yes, but they didn’t just develop a knowledge of materials and understand what they can barge through, also, they can't understand English, so they couldn’t have understood any conversations we had about the steel tops. They can’t know by ‘looking’ at the fences either. Also, how the FUCK could anyone have PLANNED all of this.
To shut Saffron up before she ruins the movie, the shark eats her.
Thomas then blows the shark up i.e. the end of Jaws.
LL Cool J raps.
The Reaping/P.S. I love you
Hilary ‘ Ahm jusht a gurl from a trailer pahrk who shore had a dream’
Agent ‘Well Hilary, 2 things, you’ve got 2 Oscars now, but both for extremely MASCULINE roles. You played a girl dressing up like a boy and then you really screwed it up by playing a boxer!
Hilary: I got my awardssshh though
Agent: Yes, but you never feature in FHM’s top 100 sexiest women, do you?
Hilary: Ah shuppose naht.
Agent: We need to get you to feminise it up, play girly parts! It’s also obligatory for best actress Oscar winners to destroy their careers after they win. As you’ve won twice, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Hilary: Hey, Ah was in the Black Dahlia playing a darn femme fat –
Agent: Sshh, don’t mention that film, it was AWFUL, I mean, really awful. And you were incredibly unconvincing.
Hilary: Ah shucks, what should we do Shir?
Agent: Try this combination: sugary vomit inducing romantic comedy, I use the term comedy loosely, and a single tough sassy tank top wearing woman in a horror film! I use the term horror loosely.
Hilary: Ah say Ah think it shore sounds a lot more feminine that ahm used to!
Set 1 – The Reaping
Hick 1: Oh no, all of these biblical plagues have spread amongst our small, isolated, simple town! Wait till everyone hears! These are natural phenomenon!
Hick 2: I don’t think we should report any of these mad, amazing insane occurrences, NOONE will be interested. However, I think we should ask feminine, sexy heroine Hilary Swank to help – she’s a character directly lifted from the Dan Brown’s School of writing complex female characters”!
Hilary is sceptical.
SFX explosion convinces her these occurrences are indeed real.
Hilary‘Ah shore think there may be a plague on this town –
Director: CUT!! SEXIER Hilary!! Sexier!
Slow motion Hilary runs about with tank top on, sweat running down her face and she keeps her mouth firmly shut.
Better!
Hick 1: So Hilary, was we right? Should we report the plagues to the news/army/police/government?
Hilary: Chuh, just leave it to the new improved Hilary Swank to sort this mess out!
Using Hilary Swank feminine super powers, she stops the plagues and no one ever mentions them again.
Hilary then runs to her next set:
Set 2 – P.S. I love you
Hilary and Gerard argue. This is meant to be sweet yet is just incredibly awful.
Hilary is in her bra to show how sexy she is.
Gerard does a WTF accent is that to show what a good actor he is.
Gerard does every stereotypical Irish thing ever. This is to show he is IRISH.
Writer: Hey, stereotyping makes writing so much easier! We can get away with it as well, as the incredibly un-stereotypical move of hiring Hilary Swank as a leading FEMALE will distract the audience from our incredibly narrow view of the world!
Writer 2: Whoa, Hilary is in this? You mean Julia/Sandra/Meg and even Kate Bloody Hudson turned this down!! Damn, we’re baaad writers.
Writer: Yeah, even Kate said yes to Bride Wars. We suck.
Gerard dies. However, he leaves incredibly lovely inspiring notes telling Hilary what to do with her life and therefore, disallowing her from moving on and getting over him.
Phoebe off Friends plays Phoebe off Friends – QUIRKY!
Hilary is told to…. Sing at Karaoke! Wow! How exciting! What an incredibly interesting storyline.
Hilary lets loose and SINGS.
Hilary then opens more annoying notes, ‘wash the bath out’ ‘do the shopping – buy more beans’ ‘go for a walk’ and ‘learn an incredibly valuable lesson through these notes about life!’
Hilary visits Ireland, i.e. the Teletubbies set to get CLOSURE – as the damn notes are NOT helping (surprisingly)
We are taught that we can love forever, but we need to get on with our own lives. Did we really need to go through all of those damn notes to get to such an obvious conclusion?
Hilary succeeds in ruining career.
Agent ‘Well Hilary, 2 things, you’ve got 2 Oscars now, but both for extremely MASCULINE roles. You played a girl dressing up like a boy and then you really screwed it up by playing a boxer!
Hilary: I got my awardssshh though
Agent: Yes, but you never feature in FHM’s top 100 sexiest women, do you?
Hilary: Ah shuppose naht.
Agent: We need to get you to feminise it up, play girly parts! It’s also obligatory for best actress Oscar winners to destroy their careers after they win. As you’ve won twice, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Hilary: Hey, Ah was in the Black Dahlia playing a darn femme fat –
Agent: Sshh, don’t mention that film, it was AWFUL, I mean, really awful. And you were incredibly unconvincing.
Hilary: Ah shucks, what should we do Shir?
Agent: Try this combination: sugary vomit inducing romantic comedy, I use the term comedy loosely, and a single tough sassy tank top wearing woman in a horror film! I use the term horror loosely.
Hilary: Ah say Ah think it shore sounds a lot more feminine that ahm used to!
Set 1 – The Reaping
Hick 1: Oh no, all of these biblical plagues have spread amongst our small, isolated, simple town! Wait till everyone hears! These are natural phenomenon!
Hick 2: I don’t think we should report any of these mad, amazing insane occurrences, NOONE will be interested. However, I think we should ask feminine, sexy heroine Hilary Swank to help – she’s a character directly lifted from the Dan Brown’s School of writing complex female characters”!
Hilary is sceptical.
SFX explosion convinces her these occurrences are indeed real.
Hilary‘Ah shore think there may be a plague on this town –
Director: CUT!! SEXIER Hilary!! Sexier!
Slow motion Hilary runs about with tank top on, sweat running down her face and she keeps her mouth firmly shut.
Better!
Hick 1: So Hilary, was we right? Should we report the plagues to the news/army/police/government?
Hilary: Chuh, just leave it to the new improved Hilary Swank to sort this mess out!
Using Hilary Swank feminine super powers, she stops the plagues and no one ever mentions them again.
Hilary then runs to her next set:
Set 2 – P.S. I love you
Hilary and Gerard argue. This is meant to be sweet yet is just incredibly awful.
Hilary is in her bra to show how sexy she is.
Gerard does a WTF accent is that to show what a good actor he is.
Gerard does every stereotypical Irish thing ever. This is to show he is IRISH.
Writer: Hey, stereotyping makes writing so much easier! We can get away with it as well, as the incredibly un-stereotypical move of hiring Hilary Swank as a leading FEMALE will distract the audience from our incredibly narrow view of the world!
Writer 2: Whoa, Hilary is in this? You mean Julia/Sandra/Meg and even Kate Bloody Hudson turned this down!! Damn, we’re baaad writers.
Writer: Yeah, even Kate said yes to Bride Wars. We suck.
Gerard dies. However, he leaves incredibly lovely inspiring notes telling Hilary what to do with her life and therefore, disallowing her from moving on and getting over him.
Phoebe off Friends plays Phoebe off Friends – QUIRKY!
Hilary is told to…. Sing at Karaoke! Wow! How exciting! What an incredibly interesting storyline.
Hilary lets loose and SINGS.
Hilary then opens more annoying notes, ‘wash the bath out’ ‘do the shopping – buy more beans’ ‘go for a walk’ and ‘learn an incredibly valuable lesson through these notes about life!’
Hilary visits Ireland, i.e. the Teletubbies set to get CLOSURE – as the damn notes are NOT helping (surprisingly)
We are taught that we can love forever, but we need to get on with our own lives. Did we really need to go through all of those damn notes to get to such an obvious conclusion?
Hilary succeeds in ruining career.
The Reader - old review - thought I'd post
Michael (David Kross) becomes infatuated and eventually falls in love with the older, mysterious Hannah Schmitz (Kate Winslet) in post-war Germany. After an exciting affair, filled with arguments, sex and a shared fondness of literature, Hannah inexplicitly disappears. Years later, as David enrols in Law school, he meets Hannah again, this time, she is on trial for crimes committed in her secret life as a holocaust prison guard. The events are remembered through Ralph Fienne’s memory as older David.
The Reader has all the ingredients for an Oscar baity movie: holocaust, period, sadness, forbidden love, Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, director Stephen Daldry and a lot of nudity. However, structurally, the film is not five star material, even though all the elements suggest it really could have been. The romance and chemistry between Kross and Winslet is very realistic and their scenes together are the most successful and captivating, especially their hidden weekend away on a biking holiday. Their romance is both sweet and dangerous. However, the romance is extremely rushed and almost forceful. The first sex scene comes out of nowhere and they fall in love very quickly. The performances of both the actors are very strong, however, I was more impressed with Winslet’s subtle performance in Revolutionary road and think the awards should have been focusing on her performance in that rather than The Reader. Kross holds his own and frequently steals the scenes he is in. Fiennes is the weakest out the three, but that is mainly because he is given the least to do, has the least interesting role and is suffering from Tom Hank’s Esq. Distracting haircut.
The first half, despite reservations about the forcefulness of the romance, is generally successful and far superior to the second half, which focuses upon the trail and the sad life Hannah then leads. The trial goes on for too long and the revelation takes too long to get to. A good 20 minutes could have been edited. Rumours of a rushed editing session to get the film released in time for award consideration suggest that they did not have time to create a coherent flowing script or find a satisfying ending. It feels almost unfinished and another month in postproduction would have helped.
The film feels like a big campaign advert for awards season, and shows that the combination of love and war is too Oscar baity for the voters to ignore, and that the quality of the film is ignored over the subject matter. This is even more annoying this year as some fantastic pieces of work such as The Wrestler, The Dark Knight and Wall E were denied a place in the best picture category and many point the finger at The Reader. I, however, point the blame toward the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Other elements such as beautiful and atmospheric cinematography, costume design all feel like the correct time period and work well, however, when this is more impressive than the plot and story, the film is not an overall success.
The Reader has all the ingredients for an Oscar baity movie: holocaust, period, sadness, forbidden love, Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, director Stephen Daldry and a lot of nudity. However, structurally, the film is not five star material, even though all the elements suggest it really could have been. The romance and chemistry between Kross and Winslet is very realistic and their scenes together are the most successful and captivating, especially their hidden weekend away on a biking holiday. Their romance is both sweet and dangerous. However, the romance is extremely rushed and almost forceful. The first sex scene comes out of nowhere and they fall in love very quickly. The performances of both the actors are very strong, however, I was more impressed with Winslet’s subtle performance in Revolutionary road and think the awards should have been focusing on her performance in that rather than The Reader. Kross holds his own and frequently steals the scenes he is in. Fiennes is the weakest out the three, but that is mainly because he is given the least to do, has the least interesting role and is suffering from Tom Hank’s Esq. Distracting haircut.
The first half, despite reservations about the forcefulness of the romance, is generally successful and far superior to the second half, which focuses upon the trail and the sad life Hannah then leads. The trial goes on for too long and the revelation takes too long to get to. A good 20 minutes could have been edited. Rumours of a rushed editing session to get the film released in time for award consideration suggest that they did not have time to create a coherent flowing script or find a satisfying ending. It feels almost unfinished and another month in postproduction would have helped.
The film feels like a big campaign advert for awards season, and shows that the combination of love and war is too Oscar baity for the voters to ignore, and that the quality of the film is ignored over the subject matter. This is even more annoying this year as some fantastic pieces of work such as The Wrestler, The Dark Knight and Wall E were denied a place in the best picture category and many point the finger at The Reader. I, however, point the blame toward the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Other elements such as beautiful and atmospheric cinematography, costume design all feel like the correct time period and work well, however, when this is more impressive than the plot and story, the film is not an overall success.
Sunday 15 March 2009
The Host
An opening lecture, oh I mean scene, shows us how EVIL Americans are and how they are polluting the earth.
An out of focus monster appears and attacks people.
Awkward blend of horror/comedy follows.
This goes on for sometime, until the characters become sick of the monster and decide to kill it.
They eventually do.
Someone falls over in a comedic fashion.
An out of focus monster appears and attacks people.
Awkward blend of horror/comedy follows.
This goes on for sometime, until the characters become sick of the monster and decide to kill it.
They eventually do.
Someone falls over in a comedic fashion.
Lover Actually
Richard Curtis goes through all of his unused sketches and deleted scenes from Notting Hill, Four Weddings and Vicar of Dibley and puts them altogehter in one BIG film that pretends that all of these people and incidents are related.
They aren't.
Everyone acts smugly.
The film pretends to be very romantic, however, ends up being nauseating.
Heathrow airport has a shit security system.
They aren't.
Everyone acts smugly.
The film pretends to be very romantic, however, ends up being nauseating.
Heathrow airport has a shit security system.
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Hello ladies, I am handsome Spanish actor Javier Bardem!
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
There will be Blood
Dig up oil
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
EPIC/DATE/SCARY/DISASTER MOVIE
Look a likes form an orderly queue and are rolled out on screen, say who they are meant to be and are subsequently hit by a passing car/crushed by a spacecraft/covered in shit. They then do a hilarious fart joke.
The films gross over $100 million each.
They keep making these films.
The films gross over $100 million each.
They keep making these films.
Batman Begins – again!
Christian grieves for his parents…his parents…angst angst angst
We are treated to a touching flashback of Christian and his father bonding over a stethoscope.
Christian decides to live in the mountains with boring actor Liam Neeson
Christian decides to become super tough and badass. Therefore, we are subjected to the obligatory training montage – ‘you will train’ quick edited shots of punching, push-ups and sword fighting. ‘You will learn’ – quick edited shots of tai chi, meditating and looking at old manuscripts.
After this, Christian decides that he is more badass than Liam Neeson and burns his entire village down.
Liam: Well, that’s the end of me. I’ll just die off screen nonchalantly. I definitely won’t be back later. (Dies off screen. Probably)
Flashback of bonding over a stethoscope (slightly less effective this time)
Christian decides to become BATMAN. To throw people off the scent that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he acts like a complete DICK to everyone he meets. Christian plays this side more convincingly than BATMAN.
BATMAN: RRRRAAAARRRR –I SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE!
Scarecrow plays with a bag.
Tom Wilkinson speaks with a New York accent so horrendous that he is thrown into Arkum Asylum.
The crew, meanwhile, having spent months of preparation, training and choreography have finally set up the best fight scene ever.
Chris Nolan: Whoa, whoa guys, I don’t actually want to SEE the scene. I want that camera zoomed in 10x to the actor’s torsos and the lights turned off please!
Crew: But then the audience wont be able to see what’s going on!
Nolan: Exactly!
Terrible fight scene – unable to tell what’s going on or who wins. Presumably BATMAN does.
Christian spies Katie Holmes, the new DA.
Christian ‘You! You’re the DA? You’re like 12! Even Kate Hudson is more convincing in a lawyer role.
Gary Oldman’s presence as a GOOD GUY is extremely distracting and makes the audiences continually suspect him as the surprise villain, as Gary is always the villain, always.
Liam Neeson surprisingly returns! He burns Christian’s house down and is extremely un-menacing.
Christian ‘ I don’t kill anyone, but I’m really gonna have to kill you. There’s no WAY you’re coming back in the sequel. We’ve booked the Joker!
Stethoscope flashback. (Completely ineffective).
We are treated to a touching flashback of Christian and his father bonding over a stethoscope.
Christian decides to live in the mountains with boring actor Liam Neeson
Christian decides to become super tough and badass. Therefore, we are subjected to the obligatory training montage – ‘you will train’ quick edited shots of punching, push-ups and sword fighting. ‘You will learn’ – quick edited shots of tai chi, meditating and looking at old manuscripts.
After this, Christian decides that he is more badass than Liam Neeson and burns his entire village down.
Liam: Well, that’s the end of me. I’ll just die off screen nonchalantly. I definitely won’t be back later. (Dies off screen. Probably)
Flashback of bonding over a stethoscope (slightly less effective this time)
Christian decides to become BATMAN. To throw people off the scent that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he acts like a complete DICK to everyone he meets. Christian plays this side more convincingly than BATMAN.
BATMAN: RRRRAAAARRRR –I SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE!
Scarecrow plays with a bag.
Tom Wilkinson speaks with a New York accent so horrendous that he is thrown into Arkum Asylum.
The crew, meanwhile, having spent months of preparation, training and choreography have finally set up the best fight scene ever.
Chris Nolan: Whoa, whoa guys, I don’t actually want to SEE the scene. I want that camera zoomed in 10x to the actor’s torsos and the lights turned off please!
Crew: But then the audience wont be able to see what’s going on!
Nolan: Exactly!
Terrible fight scene – unable to tell what’s going on or who wins. Presumably BATMAN does.
Christian spies Katie Holmes, the new DA.
Christian ‘You! You’re the DA? You’re like 12! Even Kate Hudson is more convincing in a lawyer role.
Gary Oldman’s presence as a GOOD GUY is extremely distracting and makes the audiences continually suspect him as the surprise villain, as Gary is always the villain, always.
Liam Neeson surprisingly returns! He burns Christian’s house down and is extremely un-menacing.
Christian ‘ I don’t kill anyone, but I’m really gonna have to kill you. There’s no WAY you’re coming back in the sequel. We’ve booked the Joker!
Stethoscope flashback. (Completely ineffective).
Sunday 25 January 2009
Saw – the films that too many people saw
Tobin ‘I have cancer me and hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING because of it’ Bell goes ape shit over having a terminal disease and decides the only thing that will make him feel better is devising insane torture devices that sophistically provide a moral lesson to the inflicted and teach them how to live better’ i.e. TORTURE PORN, yay!
Do I dare see Saw 1? – Cary and Adam find themselves in a derelict (my balls!) bathroom with a dead guy in the middle of them and shout corny dialogue at each other for 45 minutes. The obligatory scene of suspecting each other is the killer is present. Cary also talks slowwwlly to show that he is playing an Eeeemeriiccaaan and not the nice English theatre actor he is. What is he doing in this by the way?
BENJAMIN LINUS acts like the killer – even though he obviously isn’t.
To jazz the film up, we see the torture devises through obscure flash backs like in S7en i.e. the budge was too small to show the machines in their glory.
Cary decides enough is enough and has had enough of Adam and his terrible acting. Realising he has made a mistake in making this film, decides to saw his fucking foot off and escape. Cue close up of fake skin like material bleeding as Cary saws the foot off pretty quickly and neatly. Cary then does the worst acting ever committed to celluloid. Think of it as a cross between P-P-p-professor Q-q-quirrel!! and the hand guy off Scary movie 2. There that’s it. He hobbles out with his foot and so totally makes it out.
Adam is now located at the very front of the screen but to the right. Thus having enough room for the twist to happen behind him in the left. 10 seconds later – the twist! The dead guy on the floor was actually the baddie, ‘Alas! It was I!’ as this isn’t interesting enough on its own, we are treated to crazy ass edited flashbacks illustrating how CLEVER the twist is and how exciting this scene is.
The audience leave thinking that the film was OK but the twist was AMAZING.
Do I dare see Saw 2? – Tobin ‘I have the craziest grudge against my cancer’ Bell returns and doesn’t have to act like a dead body for the whole film, however, the result doesn’t look to much different to his performances as a corpse in film 1. He is SO unmenacing omg.
This time the plot revolves around a bunch of teens that have majoraly pissed Bell off. Filmmakers, showing a flash of brilliance, realised that horror movies usually focus upon teenagers. Thus, as Saw is SO original and edgy, they rip off the tried and tested horror movie method!
Bunch of swearing wise ass teens are locked in Bell’s funhouse of terror full of sick twisted machines, I mean, extremely cleverly symbolic attempts at revealing the flaws in their characters.
Donnie ‘hey my brother Mark has done pretty well, why cant I?’ Whalberg is a typical father figure. He loves his son, but cant express his emotions because of that damn masculinity and conflicting schedule so he can’t attend all of little Whalberg’s soccer games/school plays/karate class.
Oh no! The son is kidnapped! I did not see this twist in the tale, me thinks Donnie will have to prove his love to get his son back! Donnie will have to overcome his masculinity and reveal his heart of gold.
Bunch of teens are being recorded in the house. Tobin ‘FUCK YOU CANCER’ Bell is being interviewed by Donnie and generic donut eating cops with the recording in the background. Instead of getting down to business and finding the house and getting the teens out of there, Donnie is predictability seduced in the inevitable endless mind game dialogue scenes as Tobin tries to pretend he’s as clever and Hannibal Lecter. Sigh; get on with it!
Teens decide that the best way forward is of course to fight and swear, split up and pick on the outsider twitchy guy and blame him. Outsider is subsequently punished by being burned alive in a furnace. This is clever because err…once he burned a house down?
Oh, girl from the first film is also there, err this is brought in nonchalantly and not dwelled upon as her presence is unimportant. So, err, next torture scene please!
Shot in face, giant pit of needles, slow poisoning, death mask, crazy ass hand trap thing, which to be fair, she kind of deserved that one.
Even more masculine than Donnie guy of the group goes crazy over getting numbers of the back of people’s necks. He decides the best way of getting these is to KILL THEM ALL instead of asking them to turn around. When he needs his own number, instead of asking someone what it is or I don’t know, finding a fucking mirror, the logical answer is to carve his neck off as the camera stylistically flashes around him, showing the violence in its glory as the cameraman orgasms and the worst excuse for violence in a film ever.
To try and link this to the first film, they find themselves in the set of film 1 and the masculine man is killed by…a saw! The title saw is still relevant and therefore the issues of humanity are still relevant.
Donnie meanwhile FINALLY gets off his lazy ass and sends the cops to the house – but no one is there! But the tape recording clearly shows activity. That’s right, Saw 2’s masterful twist is directly lifted from Speed, even more shockingly, the plan that Keanu Reeves concocts. Dennis Hopper will be furious that he was fooled again.
Donnie finds himself in the bathroom and oh woman from the first film turns out to be working for Tobin ‘ torture machines are good for the cancer riddled soul’ Bell. OMG, did not see happening with the nonchalant passing mention from teen #2 ‘oh yeah, Amanda was in film 1 everybody – next topic please’.
Because the twist was so awesome, flashy cutting montage of flashbacks was not needed.
Do I dare see Saw 3? – Deciding that the popularity of films 1 and 2 were not the well devised plots or developed character but in fact the crazy scenes of torture, the filmmakers decided to completely eliminate the first two and focus entirely on torture machines with a handful of dialogue scenes to string them loosely together and also giving the audience time to wipe up their own vomit after each scene.
Within 16 minutes, we see Donnie ‘I hate my brother Mark’ Whalberg snap his own foot in half while he bitterly thinks about his brother’s recent Oscar nomination and how he is reduced to doing this for money, a guy slowly ripping chains out of his body before his exploded into several pieces and woman’s ribs are ripped out of her body and dangled on a washing line. Scenes that would make Marquis de Sade turn away in disgust. This happened in 16 minutes. 16 minutes (16 minutes oh yeah game on!)
Unfortunately, even though we’d all much prefer to just sit and watch scene after scene of not symbolic at all in fact mindless torture devises blowing off, Hollywood rules do insist at least some attempt of a plot and at least 4 dialogue scenes (Boring, I know) Saw 3 writers give it a good shot though. Tobin ‘thank god I’m nearly dead of my cancer as I’m struggling to think of original trap devises, its getting exhausting’ Bell goes all out and decides to punish a poor couple who have just lost their son and are grieving. HOW DARE THEY? THYE MUST APPRECIATE LIFE!!! WILL HAVE TO PUNISH IN OBSCURE TORTURE DEVICES’
As I have only seen the first 16 minutes I can only assume it all gets worse. One scene has a man and woman in a giant freezer. According to the writers, they were originally going to dress the woman in a t-shirt and pants. This was deemed too sexual and instead of going for jumper and trousers, decided completely naked was fair and not at all sexual. What about the guy? God, keep him clothed! People don’t wanna see that!
Tobin does die. Geoff (who? Who cares?) kills him which then turns into a twist of some sort.
Producers – guys, we really need another Saw next year
Writers: oh shit, we just killed off the killer!
Producers – hmm, just pull a pulp fiction and rip off Quentin. He won’t mind, he loves that type of shit and is ripping off you guys with the hostel movies!
Do I dare see Saw 4? - It begins with Tobin’s autopsy, the most OTT autopsy ever conducted in the history of the universe.
Docter#1 – well Jim, I think it’s a simple throat slash. Case closed
Dcotoer#2 – Hmm, I dunno, I think I better y’know, violently rip open his chest, cover myself in his cold blood and then throw his organs every where whilst laughing and then dry hump his body (ABBE! ABBBEEE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABBE!!!!!)
TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS
Twist = all of this happened at the same time as Saw 3! The autopsy scene was in fact the last scene! Isn’t that clever! Not at all a terrible attempt in including Tobin Bell.
Writers – phew, thank god we got away with that one. Now I’m gonna try and write that holocaust, gay crippled old man piece.
Producers – err guys, Saw 5 is needed.
Writers – but the story! It’s ended!
Producers- you can’t argue with the box office figures fellas. Get your asses writing something so gory that I’ll need an exorcist to cleanse the script.
Writers – sigh, we just got away with the last twist…do you think anyone will notice if we use it again?
Producers – I think you overestimate the intelligence of our target audience. Just use the same twist and change the traps! It’s a sure fire hit!
Do I dare see saw 5? - Traps, blood, I hate cancer, autopsy orgasm number 10, action, lost love, morality lecturing, ice blocks crush face, pull teeth out, dialogue scenes are so boring I’ll just do another trap, electrocute self, twist happens.
Audience – wow shit man! That end was so cool! These movies are so awesome and the violence is like so clever man, it has like, meaning. Those critics don’t understand the kids and what we want.
Rest of the world – I wish these films would stop and go away.
Marketing team – how about we use the misleading tag line ‘you’ll never guess how it ends!’ the twist is, it doesn’t!
Producers – that’s right boys, Saw 6 will be needed. We’ll need that twist again so we can legitimises Tobin ‘I just want to retire now and stop doing this shit ‘Bell’s presence!
Do I dare see Saw 6? - I dare, I just don't want to.
Do I dare see Saw 1? – Cary and Adam find themselves in a derelict (my balls!) bathroom with a dead guy in the middle of them and shout corny dialogue at each other for 45 minutes. The obligatory scene of suspecting each other is the killer is present. Cary also talks slowwwlly to show that he is playing an Eeeemeriiccaaan and not the nice English theatre actor he is. What is he doing in this by the way?
BENJAMIN LINUS acts like the killer – even though he obviously isn’t.
To jazz the film up, we see the torture devises through obscure flash backs like in S7en i.e. the budge was too small to show the machines in their glory.
Cary decides enough is enough and has had enough of Adam and his terrible acting. Realising he has made a mistake in making this film, decides to saw his fucking foot off and escape. Cue close up of fake skin like material bleeding as Cary saws the foot off pretty quickly and neatly. Cary then does the worst acting ever committed to celluloid. Think of it as a cross between P-P-p-professor Q-q-quirrel!! and the hand guy off Scary movie 2. There that’s it. He hobbles out with his foot and so totally makes it out.
Adam is now located at the very front of the screen but to the right. Thus having enough room for the twist to happen behind him in the left. 10 seconds later – the twist! The dead guy on the floor was actually the baddie, ‘Alas! It was I!’ as this isn’t interesting enough on its own, we are treated to crazy ass edited flashbacks illustrating how CLEVER the twist is and how exciting this scene is.
The audience leave thinking that the film was OK but the twist was AMAZING.
Do I dare see Saw 2? – Tobin ‘I have the craziest grudge against my cancer’ Bell returns and doesn’t have to act like a dead body for the whole film, however, the result doesn’t look to much different to his performances as a corpse in film 1. He is SO unmenacing omg.
This time the plot revolves around a bunch of teens that have majoraly pissed Bell off. Filmmakers, showing a flash of brilliance, realised that horror movies usually focus upon teenagers. Thus, as Saw is SO original and edgy, they rip off the tried and tested horror movie method!
Bunch of swearing wise ass teens are locked in Bell’s funhouse of terror full of sick twisted machines, I mean, extremely cleverly symbolic attempts at revealing the flaws in their characters.
Donnie ‘hey my brother Mark has done pretty well, why cant I?’ Whalberg is a typical father figure. He loves his son, but cant express his emotions because of that damn masculinity and conflicting schedule so he can’t attend all of little Whalberg’s soccer games/school plays/karate class.
Oh no! The son is kidnapped! I did not see this twist in the tale, me thinks Donnie will have to prove his love to get his son back! Donnie will have to overcome his masculinity and reveal his heart of gold.
Bunch of teens are being recorded in the house. Tobin ‘FUCK YOU CANCER’ Bell is being interviewed by Donnie and generic donut eating cops with the recording in the background. Instead of getting down to business and finding the house and getting the teens out of there, Donnie is predictability seduced in the inevitable endless mind game dialogue scenes as Tobin tries to pretend he’s as clever and Hannibal Lecter. Sigh; get on with it!
Teens decide that the best way forward is of course to fight and swear, split up and pick on the outsider twitchy guy and blame him. Outsider is subsequently punished by being burned alive in a furnace. This is clever because err…once he burned a house down?
Oh, girl from the first film is also there, err this is brought in nonchalantly and not dwelled upon as her presence is unimportant. So, err, next torture scene please!
Shot in face, giant pit of needles, slow poisoning, death mask, crazy ass hand trap thing, which to be fair, she kind of deserved that one.
Even more masculine than Donnie guy of the group goes crazy over getting numbers of the back of people’s necks. He decides the best way of getting these is to KILL THEM ALL instead of asking them to turn around. When he needs his own number, instead of asking someone what it is or I don’t know, finding a fucking mirror, the logical answer is to carve his neck off as the camera stylistically flashes around him, showing the violence in its glory as the cameraman orgasms and the worst excuse for violence in a film ever.
To try and link this to the first film, they find themselves in the set of film 1 and the masculine man is killed by…a saw! The title saw is still relevant and therefore the issues of humanity are still relevant.
Donnie meanwhile FINALLY gets off his lazy ass and sends the cops to the house – but no one is there! But the tape recording clearly shows activity. That’s right, Saw 2’s masterful twist is directly lifted from Speed, even more shockingly, the plan that Keanu Reeves concocts. Dennis Hopper will be furious that he was fooled again.
Donnie finds himself in the bathroom and oh woman from the first film turns out to be working for Tobin ‘ torture machines are good for the cancer riddled soul’ Bell. OMG, did not see happening with the nonchalant passing mention from teen #2 ‘oh yeah, Amanda was in film 1 everybody – next topic please’.
Because the twist was so awesome, flashy cutting montage of flashbacks was not needed.
Do I dare see Saw 3? – Deciding that the popularity of films 1 and 2 were not the well devised plots or developed character but in fact the crazy scenes of torture, the filmmakers decided to completely eliminate the first two and focus entirely on torture machines with a handful of dialogue scenes to string them loosely together and also giving the audience time to wipe up their own vomit after each scene.
Within 16 minutes, we see Donnie ‘I hate my brother Mark’ Whalberg snap his own foot in half while he bitterly thinks about his brother’s recent Oscar nomination and how he is reduced to doing this for money, a guy slowly ripping chains out of his body before his exploded into several pieces and woman’s ribs are ripped out of her body and dangled on a washing line. Scenes that would make Marquis de Sade turn away in disgust. This happened in 16 minutes. 16 minutes (16 minutes oh yeah game on!)
Unfortunately, even though we’d all much prefer to just sit and watch scene after scene of not symbolic at all in fact mindless torture devises blowing off, Hollywood rules do insist at least some attempt of a plot and at least 4 dialogue scenes (Boring, I know) Saw 3 writers give it a good shot though. Tobin ‘thank god I’m nearly dead of my cancer as I’m struggling to think of original trap devises, its getting exhausting’ Bell goes all out and decides to punish a poor couple who have just lost their son and are grieving. HOW DARE THEY? THYE MUST APPRECIATE LIFE!!! WILL HAVE TO PUNISH IN OBSCURE TORTURE DEVICES’
As I have only seen the first 16 minutes I can only assume it all gets worse. One scene has a man and woman in a giant freezer. According to the writers, they were originally going to dress the woman in a t-shirt and pants. This was deemed too sexual and instead of going for jumper and trousers, decided completely naked was fair and not at all sexual. What about the guy? God, keep him clothed! People don’t wanna see that!
Tobin does die. Geoff (who? Who cares?) kills him which then turns into a twist of some sort.
Producers – guys, we really need another Saw next year
Writers: oh shit, we just killed off the killer!
Producers – hmm, just pull a pulp fiction and rip off Quentin. He won’t mind, he loves that type of shit and is ripping off you guys with the hostel movies!
Do I dare see Saw 4? - It begins with Tobin’s autopsy, the most OTT autopsy ever conducted in the history of the universe.
Docter#1 – well Jim, I think it’s a simple throat slash. Case closed
Dcotoer#2 – Hmm, I dunno, I think I better y’know, violently rip open his chest, cover myself in his cold blood and then throw his organs every where whilst laughing and then dry hump his body (ABBE! ABBBEEE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABBE!!!!!)
TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS TRAPS
Twist = all of this happened at the same time as Saw 3! The autopsy scene was in fact the last scene! Isn’t that clever! Not at all a terrible attempt in including Tobin Bell.
Writers – phew, thank god we got away with that one. Now I’m gonna try and write that holocaust, gay crippled old man piece.
Producers – err guys, Saw 5 is needed.
Writers – but the story! It’s ended!
Producers- you can’t argue with the box office figures fellas. Get your asses writing something so gory that I’ll need an exorcist to cleanse the script.
Writers – sigh, we just got away with the last twist…do you think anyone will notice if we use it again?
Producers – I think you overestimate the intelligence of our target audience. Just use the same twist and change the traps! It’s a sure fire hit!
Do I dare see saw 5? - Traps, blood, I hate cancer, autopsy orgasm number 10, action, lost love, morality lecturing, ice blocks crush face, pull teeth out, dialogue scenes are so boring I’ll just do another trap, electrocute self, twist happens.
Audience – wow shit man! That end was so cool! These movies are so awesome and the violence is like so clever man, it has like, meaning. Those critics don’t understand the kids and what we want.
Rest of the world – I wish these films would stop and go away.
Marketing team – how about we use the misleading tag line ‘you’ll never guess how it ends!’ the twist is, it doesn’t!
Producers – that’s right boys, Saw 6 will be needed. We’ll need that twist again so we can legitimises Tobin ‘I just want to retire now and stop doing this shit ‘Bell’s presence!
Do I dare see Saw 6? - I dare, I just don't want to.
The Holiday
Love love love love – see even someone like Jack Black can be loved!
Kate wants to be loved
Cameron is NEUROTIC and dumps her unattractive boyfriend. She plays the same character she has ever played, ever.
Cameron can’t cry. This is made a big point of. Me thinks she will learn to cry by the end?
Kate and Cameron despite never meeting or talking, assume that both are attractive trustworthy women with wonderful houses and exchange everything. The website even has an msn software built into it, to make the arrangements be made very fast to get the plot going – wait, plot?
Kate jumps around like an idiot trying to be funny e.g. doing air guitar when she wakes up in the morning, who the FUCK does that
Kate isn’t funny at all
As the attention is on Cameron, they don’t have time for a Kate romance storyline, so she just spends her time following around an old quack. This is both boring and frightening to watch.
Jack Black pops up now and again looking diseased and also EXTREMELY uncomfortable ‘must…not…do…outrageous…comedy’.
Kate fake laughs at everything he does – see; funny fat guys need love too!
Cameron meanwhile falls for heart of gold Jude Law – he cries! He has children! He’s English! You can see Jude Law looking EXTREMELY uncomfortable playing such a nice sweetheart ‘must…not…be…a slime ball- must win Sienna back’
His kids incidentally are something between the exorcist/shining representations of children. They are FRIGHTENING. I never want to have children.
Jack and Kate somehow get together, despite not saying I like you, holding hands or even one kiss – they just kind of fall together at the end.
This is probably for the best – no one wants to see Jack eat Kate’s face off.
Jack therefore eats himself
Kate wants to be loved
Cameron is NEUROTIC and dumps her unattractive boyfriend. She plays the same character she has ever played, ever.
Cameron can’t cry. This is made a big point of. Me thinks she will learn to cry by the end?
Kate and Cameron despite never meeting or talking, assume that both are attractive trustworthy women with wonderful houses and exchange everything. The website even has an msn software built into it, to make the arrangements be made very fast to get the plot going – wait, plot?
Kate jumps around like an idiot trying to be funny e.g. doing air guitar when she wakes up in the morning, who the FUCK does that
Kate isn’t funny at all
As the attention is on Cameron, they don’t have time for a Kate romance storyline, so she just spends her time following around an old quack. This is both boring and frightening to watch.
Jack Black pops up now and again looking diseased and also EXTREMELY uncomfortable ‘must…not…do…outrageous…comedy’.
Kate fake laughs at everything he does – see; funny fat guys need love too!
Cameron meanwhile falls for heart of gold Jude Law – he cries! He has children! He’s English! You can see Jude Law looking EXTREMELY uncomfortable playing such a nice sweetheart ‘must…not…be…a slime ball- must win Sienna back’
His kids incidentally are something between the exorcist/shining representations of children. They are FRIGHTENING. I never want to have children.
Jack and Kate somehow get together, despite not saying I like you, holding hands or even one kiss – they just kind of fall together at the end.
This is probably for the best – no one wants to see Jack eat Kate’s face off.
Jack therefore eats himself
A Walk to remember
Rebel guy is so rebellious
Christian girl is so Christian.
Rebellious guy needs a tutor.
Christian girl ‘ Ok, I’ll tutor you, but you have to promise that you wont fall in love with me’
Rebel – ‘Chuh, don’t worry, that wont happen!’
Pause
Rebel – ‘I’m in love with you!’
We are supposed to buy that rebellious 17 year old is in chaste love with boring Christian girl.
Luckily, he escapes his boring sex free existence as the film turns into a channel 5 soap opera and she has leukaemia. She dies.
‘Love is like the wind. You can’t always see it, but you can always feel it’.
I didn’t make that line up.
Christian girl is so Christian.
Rebellious guy needs a tutor.
Christian girl ‘ Ok, I’ll tutor you, but you have to promise that you wont fall in love with me’
Rebel – ‘Chuh, don’t worry, that wont happen!’
Pause
Rebel – ‘I’m in love with you!’
We are supposed to buy that rebellious 17 year old is in chaste love with boring Christian girl.
Luckily, he escapes his boring sex free existence as the film turns into a channel 5 soap opera and she has leukaemia. She dies.
‘Love is like the wind. You can’t always see it, but you can always feel it’.
I didn’t make that line up.
Charlie and the chocolate factory
Narrated by Christopher Lee, who never, EVER, turns a role down.
Charlie is so poor, poor but good, poor poor. Helen Bonham Carter plays his mother because she is a versatile actress, not because she is Tim Burton’s wife.
The only bit of light in Charlie’s life is his obsession with the Chocolate factory and Willy Wonka – he even builds a model of it using toothpaste caps.
Grandpa ‘Oh you know, I used to work there’
Charlie – ‘WHAT???? You just thought you’d mention it now!!!! Even though I am obviously really obsessed with the factory and we’d have common interest and it obviously took me MONTHS to build that model out of fucking toothpaste caps and you just fleetingly mention this incredible fact now???? What were you thinking!!’
Just before Charlie organises the giant bed and the grandparents to be shipped off into a nursing home where they belong, it is announced coincidentally that tickets for a tour of the factory are on sale.
Fat Augustus and greedy Veruca get their tickets. Now its Charlie’s turn! Oh wait, Charlie can’t be third, he has to be LAST to show he is important. We are treated to a scene where he obviously won’t find the ticket.
Violet and Mike Teevee get theirs and finally Charlie is allowed his.
The film delays Wonka’s entrance about 20 more times before we see him and mistake him for Michael Jackson.
A little man enters the scene
What is it?
It’s an oompa loompa, i.e. an illegal immigrant worker I’ve kidnapped and don’t pay! They are played by one actor as well, to show they are not individuals and simply workers. They live to work.
Audience – ‘hey they’re not singing the oompa loompa song! They’re singing some crazy other song’.
These people are in fact idiots, as oompa loompa dooompty doo was never, EVER in the book. Neither was the dam bubble machine that makes Gene Wilder unreasonably angry with Charlie.
Several flashbacks to Christopher Lee as Wonka’s sadist father. He hates his child and lets him go trick or treating just so he can dangle the chocolate in Willy’s face and throw it in the fire and laugh evilly. MWAHAHAHAA!
Wonka, getting impatient now, gets rid of Augustus (too fat), Veruca (guessing she is ungenerous lover), Violet (bitch!) and Mike (mumbler!) and picks Charlie. The best out of a bad bunch.
In fact all of the punishments had been set up to symbolically show the flaws in the children’s characters and teach them a life lesson. Wait a minute, this is just Saw for kids!
The film eventually ends and Tim Burton sighs a sigh of relief, ‘I just want to go back and make twisted horror movies’.
Producers – well we are currently recruiting for Saw 17, Tim.
Charlie is so poor, poor but good, poor poor. Helen Bonham Carter plays his mother because she is a versatile actress, not because she is Tim Burton’s wife.
The only bit of light in Charlie’s life is his obsession with the Chocolate factory and Willy Wonka – he even builds a model of it using toothpaste caps.
Grandpa ‘Oh you know, I used to work there’
Charlie – ‘WHAT???? You just thought you’d mention it now!!!! Even though I am obviously really obsessed with the factory and we’d have common interest and it obviously took me MONTHS to build that model out of fucking toothpaste caps and you just fleetingly mention this incredible fact now???? What were you thinking!!’
Just before Charlie organises the giant bed and the grandparents to be shipped off into a nursing home where they belong, it is announced coincidentally that tickets for a tour of the factory are on sale.
Fat Augustus and greedy Veruca get their tickets. Now its Charlie’s turn! Oh wait, Charlie can’t be third, he has to be LAST to show he is important. We are treated to a scene where he obviously won’t find the ticket.
Violet and Mike Teevee get theirs and finally Charlie is allowed his.
The film delays Wonka’s entrance about 20 more times before we see him and mistake him for Michael Jackson.
A little man enters the scene
What is it?
It’s an oompa loompa, i.e. an illegal immigrant worker I’ve kidnapped and don’t pay! They are played by one actor as well, to show they are not individuals and simply workers. They live to work.
Audience – ‘hey they’re not singing the oompa loompa song! They’re singing some crazy other song’.
These people are in fact idiots, as oompa loompa dooompty doo was never, EVER in the book. Neither was the dam bubble machine that makes Gene Wilder unreasonably angry with Charlie.
Several flashbacks to Christopher Lee as Wonka’s sadist father. He hates his child and lets him go trick or treating just so he can dangle the chocolate in Willy’s face and throw it in the fire and laugh evilly. MWAHAHAHAA!
Wonka, getting impatient now, gets rid of Augustus (too fat), Veruca (guessing she is ungenerous lover), Violet (bitch!) and Mike (mumbler!) and picks Charlie. The best out of a bad bunch.
In fact all of the punishments had been set up to symbolically show the flaws in the children’s characters and teach them a life lesson. Wait a minute, this is just Saw for kids!
The film eventually ends and Tim Burton sighs a sigh of relief, ‘I just want to go back and make twisted horror movies’.
Producers – well we are currently recruiting for Saw 17, Tim.
The Departed
Jack Nicholson swears relentlessly to show what a bad ass he is and that Jack really is back.
Mark Whalberg though still manages to score an Oscar nomination.
Mark Whalberg though still manages to score an Oscar nomination.
My Bloody Valentine in 3D (not in 3D!)
Typical surfer teens Cody, Zach, Brad, Clarissa, Candy and plain virgin Jane are getting ready to celebrate valentine’s day where nothing will go wrong.
Alas, some big jerk is majorally pissed off with these teens acting upon their hormones and having a good time. THEY WILL PAY!!! (in 3D!)
Candy is babysitting and getting ready for the dance. How the fuck dare she?? Mr Valentine=death sl…o…wl….y creeps into the house and we see through his POV, watching her get ready. Most likely involving her stripping completely naked and feeling herself, like all women do when they get ready. Just before Mr Valentine is about to cum he shouts Surprise! And wields a lovely chainsaw!! She runs naked because err…it will make her run faster without those pesky cloths (this excuse is nothing, see Deep Blue Sea for worst example of woman nakedness needed for survival). She runs incredibly fast and he walks at a slow, menacing pace. He manages to beat basic physics and catches up with her. He then turns her into his own bloody valentine! (in 3D!)
Meanwhile at the dance, the others wonder where Candy is for 10 seconds after concluding that she must be playing a prank on them.
Cue oh so totally choreographed dance scene like in She’s all that.
Cody and Clarissa decide to go and make out in the alley. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ asks bitter Brad, ‘no way man! We’ll be right back!’
They make out, all the while being watched by Mr Valentine=death. He really really hates it when people kiss or show affection and decides to rip them apart. He kills Cody swiftly and quickly and then has to chase Clarissa for 10 solid minutes. Despite being in a public place and when there is a fucking dance going on, neither of them run into a passer by or student. Surprisingly, she dies!
Brad starts to endanger himself by getting a bit drunk and acting surly. He is subsequently punished. Mr Valentine=death hates people who cant handle their drink.
Plain virgin Jane uses her virgin super powers and outsmarts, defeats and arrests Mr Valentine=death.
Cop: Why’d you do it?
Mr Valentine=death ‘ I just want to be loved!’
Cop: Don’t worry Mr, lots of men find love in prison, They’ll go crazy over a little flower like you.
Mr Valentine=death is majorally raped in prison, in 3D!
Alas, some big jerk is majorally pissed off with these teens acting upon their hormones and having a good time. THEY WILL PAY!!! (in 3D!)
Candy is babysitting and getting ready for the dance. How the fuck dare she?? Mr Valentine=death sl…o…wl….y creeps into the house and we see through his POV, watching her get ready. Most likely involving her stripping completely naked and feeling herself, like all women do when they get ready. Just before Mr Valentine is about to cum he shouts Surprise! And wields a lovely chainsaw!! She runs naked because err…it will make her run faster without those pesky cloths (this excuse is nothing, see Deep Blue Sea for worst example of woman nakedness needed for survival). She runs incredibly fast and he walks at a slow, menacing pace. He manages to beat basic physics and catches up with her. He then turns her into his own bloody valentine! (in 3D!)
Meanwhile at the dance, the others wonder where Candy is for 10 seconds after concluding that she must be playing a prank on them.
Cue oh so totally choreographed dance scene like in She’s all that.
Cody and Clarissa decide to go and make out in the alley. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ asks bitter Brad, ‘no way man! We’ll be right back!’
They make out, all the while being watched by Mr Valentine=death. He really really hates it when people kiss or show affection and decides to rip them apart. He kills Cody swiftly and quickly and then has to chase Clarissa for 10 solid minutes. Despite being in a public place and when there is a fucking dance going on, neither of them run into a passer by or student. Surprisingly, she dies!
Brad starts to endanger himself by getting a bit drunk and acting surly. He is subsequently punished. Mr Valentine=death hates people who cant handle their drink.
Plain virgin Jane uses her virgin super powers and outsmarts, defeats and arrests Mr Valentine=death.
Cop: Why’d you do it?
Mr Valentine=death ‘ I just want to be loved!’
Cop: Don’t worry Mr, lots of men find love in prison, They’ll go crazy over a little flower like you.
Mr Valentine=death is majorally raped in prison, in 3D!
Closer
Singing – ‘I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off you, I can’t take my eyes off youuu’
Ten minutes later:
Eyeeesss, offfff yooooouuuu, eeeyyyyes
Natalie, having enough of the song decides to throw herself in front of a taxi. Unfortunately, she survives and even more unfortunately, is rescued by sleeze ball Jude Law.
Natalie bangs on about stripping; Jude bangs Julia Roberts while Clive Owen wants to bang Julia Roberts and engages in Internet sex chat with Jude.
Links are therefore all established between the characters in very clever ways. They all want to sleep with each other and throughout the film they all do.
Mind games and stage like awkward dialogue goes on for an hour.
Clive: I had an affair, I’m sorry.
Julia: oh that’s OK, don’t worry about it
Julia: speaking of, I kinda had an affair too
Clive: WHAT???? THAT IS TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE AND DIFFERENT TO WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE. FUCK YOU, C*NT YOU’RE A BITCH WHAT DOES JUDE TASTE LIKE???????? FUCKFUCKFUCK
Scene = justice
‘I can’t take my eeysss off youuuuuuu. Oooooooh’
The film pretends it has a message. It doesn’t.
Except we all learnt that Jude is sweeter tasting that Clive!
Ten minutes later:
Eyeeesss, offfff yooooouuuu, eeeyyyyes
Natalie, having enough of the song decides to throw herself in front of a taxi. Unfortunately, she survives and even more unfortunately, is rescued by sleeze ball Jude Law.
Natalie bangs on about stripping; Jude bangs Julia Roberts while Clive Owen wants to bang Julia Roberts and engages in Internet sex chat with Jude.
Links are therefore all established between the characters in very clever ways. They all want to sleep with each other and throughout the film they all do.
Mind games and stage like awkward dialogue goes on for an hour.
Clive: I had an affair, I’m sorry.
Julia: oh that’s OK, don’t worry about it
Julia: speaking of, I kinda had an affair too
Clive: WHAT???? THAT IS TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE AND DIFFERENT TO WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE. FUCK YOU, C*NT YOU’RE A BITCH WHAT DOES JUDE TASTE LIKE???????? FUCKFUCKFUCK
Scene = justice
‘I can’t take my eeysss off youuuuuuu. Oooooooh’
The film pretends it has a message. It doesn’t.
Except we all learnt that Jude is sweeter tasting that Clive!
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Hello ladies, I am handsome Spanish actor Javier Bardem!
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
Lady: Hey! Weren’t you that killer off…
Javier: No! That wasn’t me…I have short hair now! Ergo, tres sexy!
Now, come to my orgy house of sex and horrors. We’ll decide your fate with a coint toss. Corrrrl ittt
Lady: Call it?
Javier: I cant corrl it for you, it wouldn’t be fairrrrrr
Lady: Fine, heads
Javier: Ah, sex it is then, we’ll save death with blast gun later.
Javier does this to every woman in Spain until 50 women including Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz live with him as well.
Penelope acts like a bitch and Javier wishes she had picked tails, but he can’t argue with the rules of a coin toss.
Stuff happens, he has sex with everyone under the Italian sun with wine, making the audience wish they had saved their money they spent on seeing this on their summer HOLIDAY.
Producers: Woody, you know, there really isn’t a plot or anything interesting happening in this film, no one will see it!
Woody: Well, I’ve got the answer – Scarlett and Penelope should engage in a LESBIAN KISS!
Producers: Brilliant! Does it help move the plot along or contribute in any way?
Woody: Of course not! But come on! Everyone wants to see that. Especially me!
Scarlett eats Penelope’s face in a non-gratuitous scene.
The film goes on for a bit more and eventually ends.
There will be Blood
Dig up oil
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
I am an oil maaaan!
I love Christ! I hate Christ! Scratch that, I hate everyone!
I love you Dad!
I hate you son!
Will you give me some money please now Daniel?
No! But I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE
SLURRRRRRRRRP
I kill you now!
I am an oldddd oil man. Give me an awaaaaardd please.
Twilight
Bella – angst, angst, angst
Bella arrives at a new school and sees Edward Cullen and his HAIR (fangirls - *squeel!!! * omg omg omg!)
Who is he?
Oh that’s Edward Cullen, don’t worry about him, he NEVER dates anyone, ANYONE
Despite having very high standards, Edward somehow finds boring bland Bella incredibly attractive.
He shows this by pretending to be sick at the very sight of her to hide his lust.
To make up for this rude behaviour he kinda owes her and nonchalantly saves her life with super powers.
He shows his true nature by standing in the light. He looks a little sparkly = VAMPIRE!
Falling in love montage of dialogue hidden behind music.
Edward I love you!
Bella I love you for no apparent reason! I desperately want to have sex but I will accidentally kill you, I wont be able to stop myself because of the blood.
Metaphors for chastity are rammed down our throats for an hour.
Bella and Edward’s vampire play baseball. Ye old tradition rooted in Bram Stoker. Evil vampires decide Bella is so delicious that they chase after her for 20 minutes. Edward stops them.
They break up eventually though as Bella’s periods prove too much for Edward to handle.
Bella arrives at a new school and sees Edward Cullen and his HAIR (fangirls - *squeel!!! * omg omg omg!)
Who is he?
Oh that’s Edward Cullen, don’t worry about him, he NEVER dates anyone, ANYONE
Despite having very high standards, Edward somehow finds boring bland Bella incredibly attractive.
He shows this by pretending to be sick at the very sight of her to hide his lust.
To make up for this rude behaviour he kinda owes her and nonchalantly saves her life with super powers.
He shows his true nature by standing in the light. He looks a little sparkly = VAMPIRE!
Falling in love montage of dialogue hidden behind music.
Edward I love you!
Bella I love you for no apparent reason! I desperately want to have sex but I will accidentally kill you, I wont be able to stop myself because of the blood.
Metaphors for chastity are rammed down our throats for an hour.
Bella and Edward’s vampire play baseball. Ye old tradition rooted in Bram Stoker. Evil vampires decide Bella is so delicious that they chase after her for 20 minutes. Edward stops them.
They break up eventually though as Bella’s periods prove too much for Edward to handle.
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